Don't Set Goals, Create a Way of Life

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Tom wants to make partner in his law firm or become a district manager. Allie wants to move out of her apartment and have a house of her own. Setting goals—taking charge of your life. Good idea, right? Not always.

Goals: Outcome versus process

While goals can create structure in your life, give you something to strive for, and even inspire you, reaching the goal itself is a result of what you do to get there. The actions you take are the process—how you’re actually filling the time that is your life.

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, what you do is fulfilling; it brings out the best in you—your talents, interests, and skills. But often, that’s not the case—I’ve met them, you’ve met them—people who have to “pay their dues” to move up the ladder. Tom will have to work 100 hours a week or do overtime for a few years to make partner or manager. Allie might need to accept a promotion to a boring, paper-shuffling job, rather than being out in the field she loves, just to have enough money for a down payment on a house.

Goals can come with expectations that are often set by others. They can shape and lock you into a lifestyle you did not choose, but have learned to accept.

The alternative: Build your way of life

Rather than starting with goals, begin with your vision of the life you want to live. What is that ideal mix of family, couple, and individual time? What are activities that you enjoy and look forward to, what makes you feel alive, happy, that make a good life?

By starting here instead of with goals, you prioritize the process—what you do and want to do—over that often elusive outcome. You genuinely control your life because you have a vision of it before the expectations of others influence you. Once you have that vision as your foundation, then set goals—like finding work that helps Tom and Allie live the way they truly desire.

And even if you’re not clear about what that way of life might be, asking yourself the question and exploring keeps lifestyle on the front burner, and prevents you from settling for what might come along.

Take stock

Where are you now? Here are some questions to help you distinguish between visions and goals:

• 1: If you could build your ideal life from scratch today, what would it look like? What would you do on that perfect day, week, or year? What balance would you strike between personal time and time with others?
• 2: How much are your current goals helping or hindering the creation of your vision? Do you enjoy what you do daily?
• 3: What needs to change to make your lifestyle the priority? Change careers? Adjust your goals? Keep what you do, but make tweaks—for example, stop working overtime, change responsibilities.
• 4: What action steps can you take now—explore other jobs, talk to your supervisor about your work assignments, consult a financial advisor for a reality check, or develop other strategies.

The bottom line is that this is your life. You’re lucky, simply because you're a human being and not an animal or plant, to have choices, even if they are hard sometimes. This is freedom.

Time to take charge? If not now, then when?