Feeling Like You Both Have Less in Common? Time to Update

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In the early years of their relationship, Julie and Jack will admit that they did a lot of partying, while for other couples, the glue of their relationship might be going through school together, working on politics, or a sport. But life has changed for Julie and Jack. Partying has been replaced with jobs and kids. Date nights feel a bit strained—lots of talk about kids, jobs, and logistics, but little else. Apart from the kids, they find that they no longer have much in common.

You’ve changed, and life has changed

Julie and Jack are not unique. Many couples find that what initially brought them together and shared has withered away. Partying for Julie and Jack, or for other couples, school, is no longer something they want or need to do; they’ve naturally grown and changed as individuals. As a result, their lives, once built around each other and their shared interests, have now been replaced—jobs and careers, the soccer games and ballet lessons, the mowing of the grass or the pulling of weeds.

Tipping points

While changes grow over time, there are predictable developmental tipping points. For many couples, it comes around the seven-year itch mark—most couples get divorced at 8.2 years—where they discover that the life they’ve built with its rules and routines no longer fits them. Rather than taking on the challenge of revamping their relationship, too many couples move their relationship to the back burner. They downshift to mom and pop or workaholics, and, not surprisingly, struggle through the date nights that Julie and Jack experience.

Or, they skip through the seven-year itch, but as the kids become launched, are no longer the focus, and the mom-and-pop roles are withering, along comes the midlife crisis; they realize they have 20 good years left, and split up in hopes of starting over with a new connection. And finally, some hobble through and cobble a life together till retirement, but once the demands and distractions of kids and jobs are completely gone, they find that there isn’t much left to hold them together.

By the time many couples are sitting on my office couch, they have reached one of these tipping points. They’re bored or feeling like they are on the ropes; they can’t imagine continuing the same way for the next 10 or 20 years. Their challenge is continuing to have common interests as a couple, rather than continuing to be carried along on the routines and demands of everyday life.

Here's how to get started:

Take stock

Just as it’s important to periodically schedule a physical exam with your doctor to check on the physical state of you, it’s equally important to check in on the state of your relationship: Are you each getting what you need? What is your overall level of happiness? What do we need to tweak in terms of daily routines, but also quality time as a couple to improve our relationships and lives?

The challenge here is often less about what you ulitmately say, but making time to have these conversations; and more importantly, being honest—not just going on autopilot, saying everything is OK to avoid creating a confrontation or hurting the other’s feelings—but actually having the courage to say that you’re bored or feel disconnected, or really want to do x. Just as your doctor doesn’t hold back about what your lab results show, neither should you about what you want.

Explore

OK, you’ve gotten things on the table—next steps? Time to take to heart each other’s preferences, but also a good in this period of transition to think outside the box and explore. This is where some couples return to earlier interests—sports, hiking, politics—even if it is in a modified form. For other couples, it’s about breaking out—following whatever wisp of an idea that creates excitement—signing up for a cooking class or tango lessons, or volunteering at the local animal shelter. The attitude to embrace is let’s try, let’s discover, and explore together. Do it, and see what sticks. But the fact that you’re both working toward the same goal is what is most important.

The danger is you don’t do any of the above; resign yourself to what is, or feel that you’re only escape is escape—leaving and starting over.

Our long-ago ancestors never had these struggles—partly because life was more difficult and life’s demands were always on the front burner—but also because lifespans were shorter. If you only lived into your 40s, you were married at best for 20 years or less. Now, marriage can last for 30, 40, or 50 years.

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So, does your relationship reflect who you are now? Is it time to update?