What Is Missing From Your Life?

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When I see couples or individuals in therapy, our initial focus is clearly on their presenting problems—stopping out-of-control arguments, finding tools to calm their anxiety. But once these issues begin to recede, there’s an opportunity to turn a corner: to move beyond merely eliminating the negative and actively improving the quality of their everyday lives. It usually starts with the question: What is missing from your life now?

Answering this question and then implementing the answer can be a challenge. To answer, you need to step back about 50 feet from your life to determine, from all that is happening in your everyday life, what is #1 on your list—your top priority right now. Next, the challenge is translating your need into concrete action.

Here are four steps to get you started:

#1: Step back and survey your life

One effective way to do this is to enter a relaxed or meditative state by sitting quietly and focusing on your breathing. When you are comfortable, simply ask yourself: What is missing most from my life? See what comes to mind as a word or image.

You can also sit quietly and mentally run through your average day with its routines and tasks. What’s the emotional tone of such a day—harried and stressful, boring or lonely? What would make such a day better? Again, see what comes to mind in terms of a word or image.

#2: Drill down

So, suppose what comes to mind is adding more fun to your life or your marriage, pursuing a serious relationship, or working in a more challenging job. But don’t stop there. Dig a little deeper: What does fun, a serious relationship, and a challenging job look like? Maybe fun translates into going out with friends more frequently, or you and your partner stepping outside your comfort zones to try something new. A serious relationship means having an intimate partner to rely on or be affectionate with, a counter to your in-and-out, always-busy friends, or to that low-grade but chronic feeling of loneliness that you often experience. A challenging job means utilizing your passions and skills or fostering a greater sense of purpose in your life.

By drilling down, you’re trying to discover what your primary need is, the “it” that is most missing so that you can then translate it into concrete behavior.

#3: Focus on your obstacles and challenges

OK, you’ve figured out where you want to go. What’s going to get in the way of fulfilling your journey?

Perhaps going out with friends, even those you’ve known for a long time, triggers social anxiety, or suggesting something new to your partner may create backlash. Or, you feel overwhelmed by dating websites, or your low-grade depression leads you to feel pessimistic about whether it’s worth your time. You don’t apply for more challenging jobs because you live in a small community with limited options.

Identifying what stands in your way helps you determine your next step: it might be time to work on your anxiety, depression, or perhaps consider moving or expanding your job zone.

#4: Line up the support you need to be successful

You likely can’t do this all by yourself; if you could, you would have probably already done it. You need some support: perhaps a friend with whom you can check in to encourage you and hold you accountable; maybe seeing a doctor for medication to help ease the anxiety or depression, or a therapist to work on your marriage; possibly a life coach, headhunter, or even a realtor to help you outline concrete steps toward a better job.

Deserving a better life

On too many days, it’s easy to feel as though our lives consist of plowing through problems or sweeping them under the rug. However, life can be more than that; it doesn’t need to focus solely on eliminating the negative but also embracing the positive. After all, the reality check is that you probably only have one life to build and enjoy.

So, what is missing from your life? Time to try and get it? If not now, when?