6 Types of Parents: Which One Are You?

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When we consider parenting styles, our parents are the obvious role models. We bounce off of them, tending to try to replicate their approach or, if negative, drift towards the opposite. But personality and your relationship with the other parent-partner are also part of the mix.

Here are six common parenting styles, along with their strengths and weaknesses. See where you fit most:

Drill sergeant.

As the name implies, drill sergeant parents (to mix metaphors) run a tight ship—think Captain Von Trapp from the Sound of Music.

Strengths: They have clear standards, so children understand what is expected. They are good with discipline, allowing children to learn not only what is expected of them but also how to regulate their emotions.

Weaknesses: This is not the warm and fuzzy parent. There is little nurturing; children can feel anxious and wired for criticism; their worldview is that adults can be demanding and critical. More importantly, perhaps, creative children feel dampened and frustrated because they are afraid to break the rules. Other children rebel and act out, especially in their teen years.

Nurturing.

Where the drill sergeant is strict, the nurturing parent is caring. Some couples fall into these polar opposite roles, with one overcompensating for the other, while some parents are simply that way.

Strengths: Unlike the drill sergeant, children receive a lot of emotional support. They feel cared for, less anxious, and can believe they can lean on their parent when they are struggling. Their worldview is that adults can be kind.

Weaknesses: Often, the nurturing parent fears conflict or overreacts due to their own drill-sergeant parents. While supportive, this style can result in indulgent and entitled, spoiled children.

Inconsistent.

These parents are unreliable because they are often scattered and emotionally driven.

Strengths: None.

Weaknesses: The consistency that the drill sergeant and nurturing parent provide creates a foundation for children to settle into or learn to navigate. Inconsistency, particularly if emotionally volatile (such as a parent who is addicted or has mental health problems), keeps children off-balance. To survive, the children become hypervigilant—always looking around corners, trying to decide how to behave. This may translate into adult life as generalized anxiety disorder, if not trauma.

Crisis-oriented.

Some parents are particularly good at responding to a crisis. They may be withdrawn or overwhelmed in their everyday lives, but when a crisis hits, they spring into action.

Strengths: The ability to be proactive and clear-headed when crises come.

Weaknesses: Crisis-oriented individuals are often wired to be reactive rather than proactive. Some grew up in families with these role models, while others have developed a preference for the adrenaline rush that crises create. Regardless of the source of their reactiveness, the downside is that after a crisis, they feel exhausted and often fail to address what needs to be done to prevent the next crisis, perpetuating the cycle.

Neglectful.

Clearly, this exists along a continuum. However, as the word suggests, these parents, often despite their best efforts, cannot provide their children with the attention and often the necessities they require to survive and hopefully flourish.

Strengths: Though the parents may strive to do their best, the children learn to take care of themselves.

Weaknesses: Children in such situations become survivors. Individually, they often strive to get what they need in any way they can. If there are siblings, they often learn to work together to run their own lives without parents—the oldest, for example, stepping in as a surrogate parent or the children working together to prepare meals.

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Balanced.

This is the best of all possible worlds, combining the strengths and eliminating the weaknesses of the others: able to set standards and create structure while still being nurturing; handling crises while proactively avoiding future ones. This is where you want to be.

Upgrading your style.

Our role models and personalities guide us toward adopting a primary parenting style and a secondary style that we tend to use when we are stressed. Stepping back, what do you identify as your strengths and weaknesses? In what ways are you a different parent than your parents were? What behaviors would you most like to change?

Upgrading your parenting style doesn’t require years of therapy or unraveling your past; it just requires learning new skills. Begin by searching for parenting classes in your community or finding counselors and coaches, whether in person or online, who specialize in parent training.

Ready to become the parent you want to be?