What to Do if You're Feeling Trapped

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Maybe you feel stuck in a job you hate or a relationship that long ago went stale. Feeling trapped is like being at the bottom of a well where you can see the sky but realize that you can’t get out. You give up—why bother? You get depressed.

While the situation is real and your feelings make sense, staying in this one-down position where the job or relationship is controlling your life only continues to fuel those feelings of powerlessness, resentment, and depression. Here are four tips for breaking out and reclaiming your power:

1. Realize when you’re falling into your victim role.

On an average day, the job is never great but tolerable—a 5 on a 10-point scale; ditto for the relationship, but you also know that being a steady presence for your kids is your priority. But then there are those other days where you’re miserable, hitting an 8 or 9 on the miserable scale.

If these feelings come and go, you want to be curious about why today and not yesterday: What might trigger you? Sometimes, it has nothing to do with the situation itself but something else—as simple as not sleeping well the night before or worrying about doing your taxes. This is where you realize your job or the relationship is your Achilles Heel that flares with stress or anxiety, driving you down that well-worn emotional rabbit hole. Stepping back and seeing other causes allows you to change your perspective and tackle the underlying driver—getting a good night’s sleep doing your taxes.

2. Know what you can control and can’t.

But though tolerable at Level 5, you realize it is not how you want to spend your life. The antidote to feeling stuck is action, but the key is knowing where to put your energy. When you feel trapped, it is natural to think that the only way out is getting the other person—your boss, your partner—to change their view of you. And, so, you try to do the “right” combination of stuff—work more hours, compliment your boss, not complain about your partner’s habits, or initiate more sex. This is a little-kid, one-down solution based on magical thinking—if you do better, they’ll be better.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to find the perfect strategy. Instead, replace this anxiety-driven, roundabout approach with bold, direct, adult action: talking with your boss about your job and or with human resources to get their support and mediate, or talking with your partner about the state of the relationship or suggesting you both go to couple counseling.

3. Have a Plan A, B, and Z.

Turn these ideas into a solid plan: Set appointments to talk with your boss or HR; make time to talk to your partner; find a counselor. And so you don’t feel stuck, have a Plan B: Start looking for another job so you can quit; go by yourself to a counselor to get behavioral tips, or meet with a lawyer to answer your questions about divorce and your children.

Finally, have a Plan Z: If you’re prepared for the worst—you get fired or divorced—there are no surprises, and the worst you’re imagining will never happen. You’re again managing anxiety with action.

4. Get support.

Can you do this on your own? Sure, but the challenges are less daunting if you have some support: a friend you check in with before or after your meeting with your boss or supervisor, partner or therapist, or lawyer. Not only do you feel less alone, but you also have some accountability.

As with most challenges in life, the criteria for success is doing the best you can do. You can set the pace, and baby steps are OK. As the Chinese proverb says, “There is no shame in going slow, only in standing still.”

Don’t stand still. Ready to move forward?