Trust Is a Decision, Not a Feeling

Source: LisaLove2Dance

Jake discovers that Karla is having an affair, and Simone has caught Anne lying, yet again, about money and what she spent and didn’t spend. What Jake and Simone have in common is the feeling that they can’t trust their partners.

Trust is the foundation of any good relationship; its core is honesty. But when that trust is shattered or eroded, words lose meaning, and suspicion sets in, all understandable. What often happens next only makes the problem worse, not better.

Demands and controls

Jake needs to know that Karla’s affair is over, so he demands that she give him access to her phone or delete her Instagram account. Or, Simone wants Anne to give up her credit cards or show her the credit card statements each month. Both believe that the only road to rebuilding trust is making sure the other is changing their behavior. The road to regaining trust is ensuring the other’s behavior has changed.

However, this strategy can backfire. Karla and Anne get fed up with being supervised and treated like children, often leading them to act out again, killing what little trust had been rebuilt and only confirming Jake’s and Simone’s ever-present suspicions. But this approach—needing to control and change the other’s behavior—also leaves Jake and Simone feeling relatively powerless because their feeling better depends on what Karla and Anne do.

Managing mistrust is about managing anxiety

What drives Jake and Simone’s mistrust is not what their partners are doing but their anxiety about what they could be doing now and in the future, again, behaviors that Jake and Simone can’t control. On bad days, when Jake or Simone’s anxiety flares, they tighten their control and look more closely over Karla’s and Anne’s shoulders, potentially recreating the problem rather than fixing it.

Trust is a decision, not a feeling

The way out of trying to regain trust and reduce anxiety through control is to sidestep control altogether. Here, Jake and Anne decide to proactively trust and believe what Karla and Anne say and assume good behavior. By focusing on themselves and what they can do rather than others, they reduce the micromanaging and the danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Might your trust be shattered—sure. You’re doing your best and taking the higher ground, but you still can’t control the other person. To help you reduce that anxiety, create a Plan B—next steps—leave, go to counseling—if your trust is broken again. Mapping this out gives you some control over the future rather than worrying endlessly about it.

Define, fix, and track the real problem.

Finally, the most effective way of reducing your anxiety and desire for control is to see Karla and Annes’ behaviors as bad solutions to other problems. The affair, perhaps, filled a need for appreciation that she wasn’t getting from Jake; Anne’s lying and even spending were bad solutions to avoiding Simone’s endless criticisms or rebelling against her control. Defining and fixing these underlying issues is the true pathway to rebuilding trust. Focus together on fixing these problems rather than endlessly getting stuck in the quagmire of the past. Make a plan, check how well it is going, and tweak it as needed. If you struggle to do this on your own, get some help from even brief counseling.

And if your trust is broken again?

1: Don’t regret your decision to trust. You made that decision for you, not them.

2: Go to Plan B. You already have mapped out your options: You leave, work on it, change nothing, and keep going—your choice. The key is making an honest, responsible adult choice rather than acting impulsively, going on autopilot, or giving up.

Trust is a byproduct of the dynamics of a relationship: Do I feel safe to say how I feel? Can I tell you about my problem, and can we devise a plan to fix it together? After a relationship shake-up or trauma, it’s natural to be anxious and controlling. Instead, move forward, commit, map your options, and see what happens. Don’t be a victim.