Loneliness
Couples Who Don't Talk
Maybe it's time to break the silence and loneliness.
Posted August 13, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- Because they may have grown up in conflictual or silent families, some couples have trouble having deeper conversations.
- The results are that problems aren't solved. The partners live parallel lives, are lonely, or are child or work centered.
- To break the pattern one person needs to take baby steps to share emotions and raise issues. The focus must be on change and risk-taking.
Some couples simply don’t talk. Well, they talk mostly about logistics—who’s picking up the kids, what time are you getting home—or superficial matters—the how-was-your-day? They don’t have serious conversations—intimate ones about how they really feel and what is going inside them and in their lives—or about problems in the relationship.
The reason? Generally, they either grew up in families where the parents did the same—never talked—or they grew up in the opposite, where there is not just talking but conflict. One learned to naturally hold everything inside, while the other learned to walk on eggshells, withdraw, and fear strong emotions and conflicts even as an adult. And often, partners can mix and match: both avoid conflict, one avoids, and the other is simply silent, or both are silent.
Both all this no-talking has an obvious impact on the relationship. Here are the most common consequences:
They live parallel lives.
Without serious communication, it's hard to solve problems. Instead, they are swept under the rug, and conflict and problem-solving are replaced by distance. In such parallel universes, emotional intimacy is absent; the partners become roommates rather than lovers, who essentially share the same space but live in their own silos.
They become children or work centered.
One way to fill the gap between them is to focus on children, work, or both. Busy, busy; they become mom and dad instead of partners; they work 60 hours a week. Crises are around the corner as the children become more independent or leave home or retirement looms.
The children fight their battles or become surrogates.
There's always a tension in the air that the kids can sense and often handle by engaging in above-normal sibling rivalry. The parents may emotionally jump in and take sides—why don’t you leave your sister alone, why are you always siding with him—or lean on an older child for support—dad talking about his worry about money with his teen son or even complaining to him about the mother.
They periodically blow up.
The ever-present but unacknowledged tension, the stress of the unsolved problems and needs periodically reach a flash point, and there is a blow-up usually around something minor—dirty dishes in the sink, a cat throwing up on the rug. This scares them both, reaffirming what they already believed about strong emotions and problems, and they quickly patch it up and push it back under the rug with everything else.
They are both lonely and at risk of acting out.
Alcohol, drugs, and porn are all temptations and ways of salving the feelings of disconnection. They are also at risk of having affairs. They stumble into a history-less relationship, where initial common interests, such as work, newness, and attraction, are powerfully seductive. They get a taste of intimacy and realize what they have been missing.
Breaking the Pattern
Time to talk about the elephant in the room before a crisis—the affair, the drug use, a problem with one of the kids—forces it to happen. Someone has to step up and break the code of silence.
Take baby steps towards deepening conversations.
You don’t need to jump off the high diving board; you can slowly wade into the conversational waters. Make how-was-your-day a few sentences more than fine, same-old, same-old. Talk about what you really did and what frustrated you. What you’re doing here is desensitizing yourselves to emotions and the simple act of talking.
Take baby steps toward discussing problems.
Dishes piling up? Stopping being the martyr and simply doing them all. Instead, make a two-sentence comment about needing to work out a chore system, so you’re not doing it all. Even if it takes three days to get up the courage to do it, or you have to write a note and leave it on the counter, that’s fine. You can start with small stuff and gradually move toward heavier topics. What’s important is going against your emotional grain and taking the risk.
Plan to do things together as a couple.
The key here is to plan it out deliberately—dinner and movie laminated on the calendar. Will it feel awkward? Yes. Will you probably just talk about work and kids for most of the night? Likely, that’s okay. Push yourself to deepen the conversation even a bit. You’re breaking the pattern, creating shared memories, and getting out of the silo–pat yourself on the back for simply doing it.
Get a help book and go for counseling.
There are plenty of books about increasing emotional intimacy in your relationship. Get one, read it, and ask your partner to read it or specific pages. Or there may be exercises that ask hard questions that you can work through together for a half hour on a Saturday night just to get the ball rolling. Or, if brave enough, go for a couple of counseling sessions, online or in person. The counselor can ask the hard questions and help you feel safe to speak up.
All this is about is rewiring your brain, doing now what you each weren’t able to do as a child, and changing the climate of your relationship. Keep expectations low; you can’t make a mistake as long as you focus on moving forward, doing it differently rather than doing it right, pushing against those little-kid fears.
What do you have to lose?
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
