Why We Struggle to Forgive, and What to Do About It

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Jake can't let go of how his brother ignored him when he struggled and looked for support; Anna is still angry at how critical her mother was of her moving across the country for a new job; Sharice can't forgive her boyfriend for cheating on her.

While some can "forgive and forget," many others can't. Not only does this usually kill a relationship, but all too often, these wounds accumulate, occupying too much mental space, pulling you down, coloring your present.

Not forgiving isn't the problem, but often the outcome of other underlying issues. If you're struggling with letting go of the past, here are five common culprits.

Believing you need to feel better to act better

"I know I should forgive, but I'm not feeling forgiving." Emotions, especially when wounded, lag behind your thoughts and behaviors. Telling yourself that you should feel better will not make you feel better. Instead, choosing your values and having the intention to repair a relationship, might. If you choose to forgive, you can now take the next step and change your behavior. Act differently. Be kind and generous despite how you feel.

If you do this long enough, you can change the emotional climate of the relationship. There's a good chance the other person will change their response (unless they hold onto grudges, too) and begin to repair the damage. If they don't, know that's you've done the best you can do.

The need for closure

Wounds from the past are often, at some deeper level, about loss and the inability to get closure—the opportunity to say what you couldn't say. If this is true for you, create that closure. If you can still contact that person, let them know that you need to talk—not to blame or argue over facts, but for them to understand how you feel, to get things off your chest. Let them know you only want sincere listening on their part: you want to be heard. Then, see if you can arrange a meeting—in person, on the phone, or by Zoom (texts messages might not be the most productive medium for this).

If they are not available—because you don't know where they are, or because they have passed away—write that letter that you will never send expressing all that you didn't get to say. Then write another letter back from them saying what you would ideally want them to say. This is about getting stuff out of your head.

The moral of the story: behavioral change

Being unable to forgive is often about broken trust—Jake, Anna, Sharice each worry that the brother, mother, or boyfriend will hurt them again—so you cut them off and protect yourself through withdrawal to avoid further pain. The antidote is to move forward, to talk about the lessons of what happened, to change the future. "If you hear me and change your behavior, I can begin to feel safer, can trust, can lean into the relationship." Be clear about what you want the other to do moving forward: not bringing roses, but saying sorry; not feeling dismissed, criticized, betrayed. Say what you need most.

Unresolved childhood trauma

You may be hot-wired to distrust, to expect others to manipulate you, dismiss you, hurt you. This is often about old wounds from way back that changed your overall view of the world and others that continue to bleed into all close relationships. If you suspect that that is true for you, go back to that source: What is it you need to do to put this old wound to rest? Again, this is about closure, writing, and confronting those who hurt you. Do it in real-time or in a letter that you won't send to put the past to rest.

Depression

If your focus on the grudges comes and goes, the question is: Why now and not yesterday? It may be about simple stress—this relationship and point in the past are your Achilles Heel that flares up when your defenses are understandably down. But it may also be about a more depressed state of mind. Depression causes us to focus on the past, as opposed to anxiety which is all about the future. If that is the pattern, look at your past wounds and regrets not as problems to tackle but red flags, letting you know that you're falling into some old emotional pothole and that something else is going on that you need to pay attention to.

The theme here is that struggling with forgiveness is not one problem but the outcome of several underlying issues. Find these and then take decisive action to put them to rest.