How to Handle Criticism

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Ask Kim, and she’ll say that Todd is criticizing her all the time. Ask Todd, and he’d say he’s just making “helpful” suggestions. The research shows destructive criticism takes a toll on the recipients¹—anger, avoidance, poor performance—but even constructive criticism, if all-too-frequent, can feel destructive, especially in intimate relationships.

What drives criticism? Here are typical culprits:

Childhood: Identifying with the Aggressor

If you grow up in a family where criticism is a constant, it becomes part of your relationship DNA. Some children in the family will learn to cope by withdrawing or striving to be good. Still, as in other forms of abuse, some will learn to identify with the critical parent and carry that forward into their adult relationships—their own versions of the like-father-like-son dynamic.

Power

If you have a narcissistic personality, are sociopathic, or are simply into power, criticism becomes one of your go-to ways of manipulating and controlling others in order to use them for your own needs.

Anxiety

Trauma and power undoubtedly drive some critical folks, but anxiety is probably the main driver for most. One of the primary ways individuals often try to cope with anxiety is through control: I'm worried about _____, but if I can only get you to do what I want you to do, I feel less anxious: This is the micromanagement that many partners complain about. But what criticism adds to the mix is judgment: "Not only do I want you to do what I want you to do, but I want you to do it the right way," implying that what you are doing is wrong.

Individuals who are critical are not only trying to manage their anxiety by controlling others, but they are also prone to black/white, right/wrong thinking, resulting in the criticism you constantly feel. And if it's any consolation, it's not only you they give a hard time, but usually themselves as well--they are constantly beating themselves up for minor mistakes.

Resentment

You’re tired of feeling/doing ____. You’ve been biting your tongue, sucking it up, but periodically you get fed up and explode in a storm of criticism. This is less about criticism but more about anger and unsolved problems.

Handling criticism

So, if you’re Kim, what to do about Todd? Some suggestions:

Decide what’s you

If you have a history of abuse, have low self-esteem, are depressed, tend to be critical of yourself, you're hot-wired for criticism, making even mild comments from others feel terribly negative. It's also easy for you to fall into that little-kid mindset. When Todd criticizes her, Kim automatically blames herself or thinks that the only way to get Todd to stop is for her to do better.

While understandable, Kim needs to stop doing this- caving into Todd's demands will only fuel his controlling pattern. Instead, it's time for her to step back, own her sensitivity, and try not to overreact. Here Kim can let Todd know a better way to present his ideas in a way that doesn't trigger her.

Push back

But Kim may decide it’s not about her but Todd; his critical comments are not some occasional incidents, but part of a larger pattern. If that's the case, she needs to avoid getting into the weeds with him about why she did x—that will only lead to an argument about whose reality is right and fuel the emotional fire. Instead, she needs to have a conversation with him when they are both calmer about the larger pattern—that she is feeling constantly micromanaged and judged, and that she wants him to stop.

Talk about anxiety

If Kim suspects it is Todd's anxiety, and not power, driving his criticism, she can talk about that: Rather than snapping back with, "Leave me alone," she can counter with, "What are you worried about? Why is my not doing ___ your way, upsetting to you? Help me understand you." By doing this, she's throwing the problem back where it belongs, namely, into Todd's lap.

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Solve the underlying problem

If it is about resentment over an unsolved problem--the dirty dishes in the sink are really about sorting out who does what chores in the relationship--or an imbalance in the relationship--I feel give you a lot of space to do your thing, but you seem critical of mine-try and have a calm conversation about putting it to rest. This is about coming up with a plan, a win-win compromise that works for both of you. The challenge here is to move the conversation out of the blame game, avoid arguing over means--who has to do what--and instead focus on the ends—the ultimate problem you are both trying to solve.

Stopping yourself

And if you're the critical one, if you realize that you are not the person you want to be, that you are too harsh on others and yourself, it may be time to set the goal of changing these behaviors. Here you will want to work on the underlying problem of anxiety.

Experiment with setting priorities—anxiety makes everything feel important. Sow down and realize that this is a first-world, not a third-world problem; slow down and notice when your anxiety is rising or find ways to lower your stress rather than moving automatically into control. Consider a short stint of therapy to help you learn these skills, or take online classes, or talk to your family doctor about medication. Not being critical isn't about biting your tongue but instead learning to express your worry and needs in a more assertive way, one that is less judgmental and controlling.

So, if you are the one feeling criticized, take the risk of being assertive and clear about what you need. And if is about you being the critical one, think about learning the skills you need to not only treat others more kindly but learn to treat yourself better as well.