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When Kary and Jake started their relationship a year and a half ago, sex was frequent. But in the last few months, it’s dropped off… a lot. They’re worried about what's wrong with them and their relationship.
Both Michelle and Renee say they would like to have sex more, but… they're too tired, too busy. Honestly, they don't have time to think about it or the energy to do it.
Paul admits that he and Maddy are feeling tense and disconnected. He thinks more sex would help, but for Maddy, it’s the last thing she’s interested in when their relationship is like this.
It’s all too easy for sex to be pushed to the back burner, for couples to become more roommates than lovers. Here are some of the common causes:
Too much stress, too much busyness
This is Michelle and Renee, and probably a lot of people you know, maybe you. When you’re tired all the time from work or kids, when you’re preoccupied with to-do lists or worries, it’s hard to feel and be romantic. "I’m tired, I have a headache" isn’t an excuse, it’s real.
Relationship tension
It’s said that sex is a concentrated version of all that is going on in the relationship—tension, power, safety, good times, bad times—and for Paul and Maddy this is likely what is going on. There also seem to be common male/female differences at work. When guys start to feel disconnected from their partners, they often are looking to have more sex to connect. For many women, sex is the outcome of feeling connected rather than the means. Bottom line: Maddy needs to feel more connected to Paul to get in the mood for having sex.
Physical/emotional individual issues
Antidepressant medication can kill your libido or reduce the ability to have an orgasm. Putting on 20 pounds can make you feel self-conscious about your body and attractiveness. Erectile dysfunction from age or stress can cause you to pull away.
These are some of the common culprits; you may identify more. But how do you reignite the spark, move sex to that front-burner of your relationship? Some suggestions:
Talk about it
You knew this was coming; this is the starting point for every couple problem. Time to stop with the jabs, the comments, the sexual innuendos, the grabby hugs. Get the topic on the table. Awkward, maybe, sure. But this is an Emperor’s-New-Clothes situation; someone needs to speak up. If talking is too difficult at first, send a text, write a note; take action.
Increase affection
Affection is affection, not sex. I’ve seen lots of couples where the roommate thing has been going on for so long that the mere thought of sex creates performance pressure and anxiety. The solution here is to start slow; time to desensitize and just get used to simple physical contact—hugs, snuggling on the couch while watching Netflix—just to get comfortable again with touching bodies.
Schedule a date night
This is about being deliberate, making time for emotional and physical intimacy rather than going on autopilot and drifting off to YouTube, TV, bed. That said, often, one partner believes that sex should always be spontaneous and has a hard time with any notion of possible planned sex. Too bad. Obviously, the spontaneity approach is already not working. Put it on the calendar instead so you can plan for times when you both are not stressed or tired.
Keep expectations low
If it’s been a while the performance pressure is real and can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. Both may be too tense to enjoy what might unfold, so you individually decide to retreat into your silos again. Instead, start by having low expectations. See what naturally unfolds rather than trying to make date night into some Wagnerian opera.
Tackle the underlying problems
If there are relationship issues that are getting swept under the rug, if there are medical issues killing libidos or performance, if your everyday lifestyle leaves little room for intimacy and couple time, time to address them head-on rather than hoping they’ll just go away or that push-through sex will be the cure.
Sex keeps you both feeling connected, and being connected helps fuel sex.
Time to stop being roommates?
