Relationships
Are You Impulsive? 4 Tips for Putting on the Brakes
The key to being less impulsive is solving the underlying drivers.
Posted December 7, 2019 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
When Jess gets something in her head that she wants—new earbuds, that sweater she saw in a catalog—she gets obsessed: Gotta have it and have it now. She tries to hold back, knows she really can’t afford it, but then rationalizes—that she’ll be getting a bonus at work next month, that she can wear the sweater with a lot of different outfits—and caves in.
But then once she gets it, the buyer’s remorse sets in. She realizes that she really has only added more debt to her credit card and kicks herself for being so impulsive.
For Jess, her impulsiveness centers on shopping and managing money, but for someone else, it might be about sex or overdoing it on food or alcohol. And generally, the cycle is the same: an obsessive, laser focus on what they want, rationalization, a giving in, and then regret or negative consequences in the wake.
Generally, there are a few underlying drivers to these kinds of behaviors. Here are the common ones:
You’re entitled. Like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, who is always yelling, “And I want it now!” some folks grew up being catered to. They never learned self-restraint because there were no restraints. As a result, they came to believe that the world revolves around their needs; they became self-centered.
You have underlying anger or depression. Anger all too easily fuels acting-out behaviors. You may not explode and rant, but you may find yourself cheating on your boyfriend, eating that leftover cake in the fridge, or buying 10 pairs of shoes. And if you are depressed, you begin to think that the consequences don’t matter—what is one more charge on your credit card—or that doing what you want will somehow help you feel better.
Your relationships are out of balance. This is often tied to the above. If you feel one-down and/or like a victim in your close relationships, or tend to move towards being over-responsible and like a martyr, it’s easy to periodically feel resentful, which in turn fuels a feeling that you “deserve” to do/get whatever it is you want.
You are emotionally-driven. Being emotionally-driven means that you tend to do what you do based on how you feel. While on a good day, this way of running your life makes your life less rigid, more spontaneous, it also means that your rational brain is offline a deal of the time, and on a bad day, you are at risk of making bad decisions.
You may have untreated/undiagnosed ADHD. One of the symptoms of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder is impulsivity. The executive functioning that is part and parcel of your prefrontal lobes and your rational brain is impaired, making planning difficult.
How to break this pattern? Here’s how to get started:
1. Realize that your impulsiveness is the problem. After a spending spree, Jess says to herself that she needs to just get on a budget. Or, after binging out on food or alcohol, you focus on managing food or alcohol.
All good ideas and intentions, but the real core problem that you want to acknowledge and work on is the impulsiveness itself. While you likely have certain things that most trigger your impulsivity, generally, this type of behavior spreads across other areas of your life.
2. Take baby steps towards building up your willpower; practice restraint. While shopping may be a strong trigger for Jess that is difficult to break, she can begin by behaviorally experimenting with other situations that can help her put the brakes.
It may be a simple (and hard) as turning down an invite to go out lunch with a co-worker when she knows she really can’t afford it. Or it may be about her not going on autopilot and snacking all evening long, or putting the brakes on sexual urges.
It doesn’t matter where she starts, as long as she is becoming more proactive, more mindful, and less emotionally driven. When she gets that invite for lunch, she says, let me think about it, takes some deep breaths, and says no. She experiments with one night of no snacking after dinner or turns down sex even though she’s in the mood.
This isn't about lunch, snacking, or sex, but about her building up her willpower by taking small steps. And when she does, she pats herself on the back for doing a good job.
3. Tackle the underlying problem. If you’re entitled, you probably are not even reading this. But if you are and realize that it is making your life and relationships more difficult than they need to be, it may be time to take a hard look and begin getting out of yourself.
And if you do have untreated ADHD, depression, or anger, get help with the problem—medication, counseling, etc. If you are in an unbalanced relationship, work on changing those patterns—get these larger issues on the table, and do couples therapy.
4. Get support. Becoming less impulsive is about rewiring your brain, making behavioral changes, learning skills. Simply continuing to scold yourself for messing up is not the answer, nor is having someone else constantly looking over your shoulder and treating you like a child. Instead, get support, get coaching, and find someone who can help you put on the brakes yourself.
