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In the movie Up in the Air, George Clooney’s character has a side business doing motivational speeches entitled, What’s in Your Backpack? His message is encouraging his audience to look at how their lives would be different if they unloaded all the things they carry that weigh them down.
While most of us can’t unload all the things that may weigh us down, for many of us there is often something at the top of our list. What is it for you? What is the one thing that if you could eliminate it from your life, would make your life better?
No doubt several things immediately come to mind. Maybe your job, or someone in your family who drives you crazy, or your claustrophobic small town, or maybe even your intimate relationship.
Or maybe your burden is less about other people and more about you: the financial debt or weight that you carry; or chronic pain or depression or anxiety; maybe an addiction. Or something seemingly more subtle, but just as disabling—your perfectionism or that self-critical voice that constantly slows you down, beats you up; or your inability to say no, leaving you feeling perpetually over-stretched and walking on eggshells.
If you’re ready to break free, to get that monkey finally off your back, here are some suggestions to get you started.
Decide what is holding you back
Yes, it may be about limited choices, about feeling trapped: You don’t have the money, the options, the support you need to break out. But usually it is more complicated than this: The feeling that you have limited choices, that feeling of being trapped, are often held in place by underlying beliefs that you’re barely aware of. If you’ve been struggling for so long, you may, for example, understandably believe that nothing can ever change, and so you’ve given up. Your life and your burden have become over time your new normal.
Or maybe your beliefs are based upon magical thinking. I just need to win the lottery or get that high-paying job to get that financial monkey off my back. If I just figure out what he or she wants, if I just don't say x, if I just get the dance steps right—then he will stop hurting me, or she will appreciate me or give me the attention I desire.
Or maybe you’ve come to believe that whatever you do to change will make no difference. Here if you are already heavily in debt or are, say, way overweight, you say to yourself that adding that next charge on your credit card or eating those second desserts aren’t at this point going to make any difference. Or, more subtly, you may believe that you don’t deserve to get what you want: You blame yourself for what happens in an abusive relationship, or for your debt or your bad job, and are resigned. You see yourself as a loser; you’ve made your bed, and you deserve to lie in it. End of story.
These beliefs are about you, within you, but not necessarily tied to the real world. Take a hard look at the beliefs that may be holding you back. Once aware of them, you can begin to question them; by questioning them, you may begin to change them; and doing that can be the first step towards real change.
Make a plan
In 1895, the writer Mark Twain was what would now be the equivalent of several million dollars in debt. To get out of bankruptcy, he rented out his house in Connecticut and went on a world tour, giving 122 comedic lectures in 71 cities, and was on the road for several years. But his plan worked—not only did he repay all his debts, but when he died, he had an estate the equivalent of couple of million dollars.
If you’re in debt, you may not be able to work it off by going on a world tour, but you can, for example, look into the National Foundation for Consumer Credit, where you can get free financial counseling and debt management and take small steps to eliminating your debt. Or if you are in an abusive relationship, look into free shelters in your community. If stuck in the awful job, start looking for a new one, even if it means that the commute is longer, or even if part of you is saying that you won’t find anything. Explore and come up with an escape plan.
But as you build that plan, also take a step back and see what lessons you need to learn from your experience: maybe that you need to find ways to gain more skills before you can obtain that ideal job; that your spending is emotionally driven, and you need to learn to other, healthier ways of managing these stresses and impulses. Life is about learning lessons, and by carrying these lessons with you, you can use them to make better decisions in the future.
Realize what you can change
And if real escape right now seems out of the question, see what it is that you can do, that you can change. If you’re not in a position to leave that awful job, maybe you need to talk with HR about your relationship with your supervisor, or you need to talk with your supervisor about your schedule. Or if you feel unappreciated on your job or neglected in your close relationship, but can't yet end it, maybe you need to give up the magical thinking, the self-blame, and accept it for now, but then reach out and find relationships where you are appreciated and supported.
Changing you
And if it is you that you want to change—let go of your perfectionism or control, reduce your depression or anxiety, shed that addiction—again, come up with a plan. But resist the temptation to go big and do the make-over, the revamping of your life. Instead focus on and dedicate yourself to fixing one thing at a time, and then look for the support and skills you need to make it happen—AA or NA groups for your addiction, or therapy for your anxiety or depression, or self-help books for your perfectionism. What’s important is not the means—the particular group, therapist, or book—but the end—the starting itself, and then having the support you need to keep your momentum.
And this is often the hardest challenge: namely the challenge of realizing what you are ready to be free of and then beginning in spite of those voices that say, "Why bother?" or "I just need to get it right."
As Paul Simon said in his song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," sometimes you need to “just get yourself free.”
What are you ready to be free of?
