Our lives are littered with problems, but all problems are not created equally. There are the everyday ones — the sick child that upends our work day, the flat tire we find as we set off to work, the overdrawn bank account. And then there are the more serious or more lasting problems: Being strapped for money this month because of car repairs; the partner who is suddenly laid off from her job; the relationship going through a tough time for no clear reasons.
And then there are chronic problems, the ones that don’t go away, that seem to be not able to be worked through: Chronic pain, ongoing anxiety and depression, eating / weight issues, addictions, unresolved regrets or trauma from the past, feeling trapped, in a relationship, a job.
Our problems are never stand-alone, something out there that comes at us or suddenly falls in our lap. Instead we have an intimate relationship with our problems because they are always in the eyes of the beholder, always psychologically self-defined: The flat tire is an unexpected expense or becomes a good excuse to take a day off from work and miss the work meeting that you’ve been dreading; the job lay-off becomes a panic reaction about money or a wakeup call to finally get out of that job that you hated and find the one that fits your passions and talents. A problem only becomes a problem when you label it as one.
But with chronic problems, this relationship between ourselves and our problems is more complicated. Here’s why:
You’re more sensitized to the problem
The adage “What you think about you become” is particularly relevant to chronic problems. Thinking about a problem literally increases those neurological circuits in your brain, making them stronger. With these neurological highways in place, it’s easier for your problem to get triggered.
You build around the problem
If you have chronic back pain, you are understandably cautious about anything that might make it worse or trigger a flare. If you are anxious, your anxious mind tells you to avoid what might make you anxious. The problem begins to determine what you can and cannot do. Most often by listening to your problem your world becomes increasingly smaller.
But more importantly and subtly the problem can become a prism through which you begin to view your world; other problems and other emotions begin to be translated into the language of your problem: “I can’t do___ because of my back,” when it may be you can’t do because you don’t want to; “I’m anxious” when you may actually be angry. This is not about using your problem as some excuse, but rather the result of the power of the problem to dominate and mask other aspects of your life.
Your problem becomes part of your identity
With all this going on psychologically and neurologically, it’s no surprise that this comes inside and over time becomes part of your identity. Here you hear people say I’m just an anxious / depressed person; I’m an addict, rather than I’m a person who has a problem with anxiety or I’m a person who is dealing with addiction. The problem has taken over, is defining their self-image.
It also makes it easy to feel like a victim: It feels like my pain, anxiety, trauma, eating disorder is always there, always lurking, ready to strike, and I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, bracing myself for when this may happen. The problem controls me rather than me controlling it.
You have beliefs that hold the problem in place
Here is where over time you develop beliefs that may be conscious or less conscious: That this won’t ever get better or that I don’t deserve to have it get better, that I’m actually worried about what it would be like if it were to get better since so much of myself is tied up in being this way. Because these beliefs are often just outside of everyday awareness, these can be powerful and undermine your efforts — you’re easily frustrated or impatient, you make half-hearted attempts to solve the problem, you jump from one quick fix to another, you give up.
Changing your relationship with your problem
If some of this resonates and you want to begin to untangle your relationship with your problem, here are some ways to start:
Look at your beliefs
Are there some beliefs that you have that may be holding your problem in place and undermining your efforts? This may be as clear, for example, as realizing in the moment that in spite of your meal plan, you say to yourself that you deserve to have that extra slice of cake, or realizing that your problem has become so much of who you are, you just can’t imagine what life would be without it, fueling your sense of resignation.
Reflect, write down your thoughts, see which beliefs have the most impact. Once you realize what beliefs and fears may be undermining your efforts you can directly begin to challenge and change them.
Look at your triggers
Most chronic problems do not have the same intensity day-in and day-out. What you want to be curious about is the shift: What makes a better day different from a bad day? This is about defining triggers — stress, being tired, feeling lonely, physically overdoing it. Once you know what triggers the problem, you now know how to cut it off at the pass — by directly lowering you stress, getting rest, reaching out to others, paying better attention to your physical reactions.
Look for the emotions underneath
If you suspect that your problem is masking other emotions, you want to begin to rewire your brain to be able to discern them. So, when your anxiety or pain flares up, ask yourself: What else am I feeling?
The first 50 times you ask the question you will have no clue – I’m just anxious, in pain. But if you are able to identify some other emotions — that you are angry or depressed or frustrated — do something with that emotion: Express your anger or depression or frustration even if it is just writing or venting to a friend. It is not about the content of whatever you were anger, etc., about, but about neurologically grounding that emotion through some action.
Expand your identity
Because chronic problems have a way of absorbing who you are, you need to push back and take active steps to expand your view of who you are. Try applying new labels to yourself: If you like to paint, call yourself a painter even if you’ve never sold a painting. If you enjoy cooking or woodcraft throw yourself more into them. Take the time to note and appreciate those other talents and skills that you have.
Get help
You can do this on your own, but you don’t need to do this on your own. Look for professional supports like therapists, or more informal supports like family and friends. The goal is asking them to help you with your goal.
Chronic problems are real, painful in their own ways, and can all too easily psychologically seep into and entangle our everyday lives. Find ways to separate your chronic problem from the larger you, find ways to put your problem in its place and less on the front burner of your life.
Take steps to change your relationship with your problem and see what happens.
