Adolescence
Entitled Teens: 3 Causes, 3 Solutions
Reining in the runaway teen
Posted August 29, 2015
Jill is an only child and has been the center of her parents’ world for…forever. Her parents are great on nurturing, less great at setting limits. Now at 16 Jill pretty much does what she wants – staying out late, not completing her school work. Her parents’ philosophy is that she needs to have the freedom to make her own mistakes.
Sam, 14, is the oldest of 3 children in the family. His father was always the strict one, heavy on discipline, while his mother seemed afraid her husband, said little, and tried to empathize with the kids when they complained about their father. But last year Sam’s parents divorced, and Sam stepped up, helping his mother keep his sibs in line. Six months later he’s running the show, and hanging out with some shady 18 year-olds in the neighborhood. His mother feels unable to rein him in.
Entitled teens. They do what they want, ignore adults, control the emotional climate in the family. They may be like Jill who simply does whatever she feels like it, or Sam who is likely on the road to bigger trouble. Here are the common causes for such entitlement:
Permissive parents. This is Jill's parents and essentially she feels entitled because they treat her like she is entitled. She’s spoiled. They make no demands on her, set no consequences and rationalize their lack of structure with their laid-back philosophy.
Often such parents grew up in strict households where they learned to fear confrontation. They decided that they would do whatever needed to be done to not be like their parents, swinging, however, too far to the other side. And should the parents be having problems in their own relationship, being so child-centered on Jill makes for a good distraction. Finally, in spite of the parents’ belief that Jill can make her own decisions, she can’t, at least not good ones. Jill, like every other teen, doesn’t have fully developed prefrontal lobes, aka a fully functioning rational brain. Yes, she may learn from the consequences of his actions, but she might be flunking out of school in the process.
Being a replacement. When a parent leaves a family – divorce, death, desertion – a hole is created in the family structure, and it’s easy for one of the children, especially an oldest, to step up and fill that hole. This is what has happened with Sam. Sam's mother is strong on nurturance but doesn't have the skills or personality to take on the disciplinary role. Often times such parents were abused as children, which is why she tolerated the father’s strictness and couldn’t confront him.
Now Sam is unconsciously identifying with the aggressor – his father – and has filled into the hole in the family structure. His mother may appreciate his support at first, but when Sam ramps up his power and entitlement, his mother unconsciously views him like her ex, gets emotionally frozen, and is unable to rein her in.
Polarized parents. This is where parents simply are not on the same page, and have opposite approaches to childrearing – one tends to be laid back, the other more strict. They are polarized also because they overcompensate for each other – one’s way laid back because the other is so strict, the other strict because the other so easy. What happens is that the kids fall through and work through the cracks – going to easy dad and bypassing tough mom. The holes in the parental wall make it easy to slip through.
Reining in the Entitled Teen
If you have a runaway teen it’s time to rein him in. If they continue their ways, entitled teens struggle with authority, responsibility, and relationships in jobs, schools, marriages, or in worse case scenarios can wind up with a host of legal trouble. If you’re ready to put on the brakes, here’s what to do:
Step up. This is both a mindset and action. The mind part is realizing you’re a parent and doing your child no favors by letting them get away with what he wants. The action part is establishing expectations and consequences – about homework, about going out, about chores around the house. Map it out proactively rather than trying to make something up only when problems arise. State the expectation and consequence in a matter-of-fact tone, allow for some forced choice (You can clean the bathroom or do dishes, your pick) and expect some push-back or drama. The key is have a plan and then hold steady.
Get on the same page. If you and your partner are on different pages, work on getting on the same one. Yes, your styles may be different but you both want to enforce the same rules – so your teen doesn’t slip through the cracks, so you can support each other when the drama erupts.
If you can’t seem to come up with a unified plan, get some counseling even for a couple of sessions to work it out.
Get back up. Counseling is in a way is back-up for you in making clear decisions. But there is also back-up from the community. If your child doesn’t come in on time, gets aggressive at home, or doesn’t go to school, call the police, meet with the principal. Most communities have easy ways of petitioning the juvenile court which essentially puts the teen on probation with clear rules and legal consequences. This can be your muscle, and is especially helpful if, like Denise’s mom, you’re a single parent trying to cover all the bases.
You got the power. Don’t abuse, but don’t be afraid to use it.
