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In Part I of Enough is Enough, we covered how to assess whether it is time to put a relationship that is stagnating or going nowhere on probation. In Part II, we covered how to have a cost-of-loss talk and move away from the relationship in a way that optimizes the chances of your partner changing course and responding to your needs. Now in Part III, we look at 12 signs he or she is rising to the occasion and can be given a real chance at making things right with you.
As you pull away and show your partner what life is going to be like without you, he/she may respond with pleading or loving emails or texting. Or call and ask to spend more time with you. But before you rush back and pretend that everything is OK, ask yourself, "What’s really changed?" Talk is cheap. Actions rock! You can give them more contact but do not make it too easy, or they will fall right back into old relationship patterns. Ensure that your partner is sincere and most importantly watch for their follow-through on promised actions.
To help you determine whether the cost-of-loss has helped your guy or gal achieve a breakthrough I’ve prepared a list of 12 signs to look for. They range from modest improvements in behavior like a renewed appreciation for you to much deeper transformations that include self-reflection about what he or she did to sabotage the relationship and offering to act in ways that are deeply loving and meaningful to you. He may want to make amends for any cheating, go into therapy or coaching, or ask you to live together or get married. So if he or she does want to get back with you make sure you are having serious conversations about your future and what it’s going to get you guys there, like counseling, apartment hunting or ring shopping.
12 Signs Your Partner is Rising to the Occasion
- Your partner shows you that he’s worried or upset about losing you.
- You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
- Your partner realizes what he or she did wrong and is sincerely apologetic (not defensive).
- Your partner wants to make things up to you.
- He or she has renewed devotion towards you like helping you with a work project or other tasks.
- Your partner courts you in novel romantic ways (poems, thoughtful gifts, exciting dates).
- He or she is suddenly saying all the things you used to say about the relationship being great.
- Your partner expresses his appreciation for you and all you bring to his life.
- If another person was involved emotionally or sexually, your partner cuts all contact off with that person.
- He or she wants to enter psychotherapy or take a growth course either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better. If your partner goes into therapy, suggest seeing someone who can see both of you as well as him individually. It’ll work out better that way.
- Your partner actively pursues moving in together.
- Your partner proposes marriage.
Depending on where your relationship was lacking, some of these signs will be more significant than others. Only you can assess what you truly need to be fulfilled in your relationship.
By showing your partner the cost of loss by having a heart-to-heart followed by distancing yourself, you optimize the chances that your relationship will regroup, make it through the turbulence and get to the safety of a grounded loving commitment. This course of action often works. But it may take weeks or months. Of course, it doesn’t always work. If it doesn’t, you can leave the relationship gracefully and move on. By acting out of self-love and removing yourself from a relationship with no future you are closing the door on that chapter of your life and starting a brand new one in which you can have committed and fulfilling love. There are plenty of great fish out there. And at the end of this article, we’ll discuss how to end your relationship gracefully, if need be, and how to land back on your feet afterward.
I wanted to share a client story of how the courage to face loss can turn things around in a failing relationship. I hope it inspires you and gives you the strength to follow through on what has to be done.
When Sally Met Gary
After an on-again, off-again romance, Gary had pulled away from Sally. He used the excuse that he didn’t have enough time and energy to write his novel, earn a living blogging and build a relationship with Sally. It was too much for him. “It’s me, not you,” he said lamely. Sally was devastated and sought help from me and one of my coaches. Here’s how she describes the process:
I was horribly broken by Gary when he pulled away after a whole year together. We hadn’t slept together in two weeks and the daily texts were history. I was at my wit’s end. And still, he had the nerve to ask me for help with editing another chapter of his freakin’ novel!! And, sadly, I hate to say, I did it! Finally, I called Beth, the Love Mentor you had recommended. She was incredibly supportive to me but also a straight-shooter. She nicknamed me “Radiant Star” which made me giggle. We worked on my Love Intention and did a journaling exercise about this being the right time to believe in love. She suggested that I sit Gary down and tell him that I was not going to be editing his work anymore. That I needed more. Like sex and real love. Then she suggested that I go one step further: Tell him that we were no longer going to be friends or whatever he thought we were at that point.
At first, I refused and then canceled my next appointment with Beth. She called me and pointed out that my lack of self-worth and commitment fears were taking over and that by rejecting Beth and taking Gary’s meager crumbs I was wasting more precious time. Beth asked me to stand up and face my demons before it was too late. Then I saw Gary out drinking with his friends one night after he had broken a date with me. I was infuriated. I walked right up to him and told him we had to talk. He came outside and I delivered the bomb. Gary was shaken. I was shaken. I left and called Beth on the way home. She was very proud of me. The next morning I went over to Gary’s place and started collecting the few things I had left there. He was stone quiet. Then he asked for more time. I shook my head no. I didn’t hear from him for a while, but I kept busy with my friends, even went online and put my profile back up. I got a bunch of hits from some interesting-looking guys and went out on a coffee date.
Two weeks later, Gary called me. He came over and we made passionate love. He told me he loved me and wanted to work on things. Beth had me stay strong. But this was the turning point. A few months later Gary proposed and I moved into his place.
The bottom line is courage. No guts, no glory. Instead of investing so much time and energy in a relationship that is dragging you down, you can choose to set a limit. After all, you could be much happier in a new relationship with someone who is appreciative and actively building a future with you. You want a relationship to make your life better, not worse. Yes?
Ending Things Gracefully
When your partner has just not come through for you, you may reach the point where you need to exit the relationship. Your days, months and years are irreplaceable! Are you going to continue wasting them on a non-committed relationship? I hope not. But it’s best to end things with integrity in a win-win way so that, if possible, both of you can feel complete and whole about it—like there has been a net gain. There is no benefit to holding onto the notion that you are right and he or she is wrong, to holding onto disappointment, blame, anger or guilt. Those feelings will only poison you and resurrect your relationship-killer beliefs. Is that the future you want to live into? A future of bitterness and cynicism?
Here’s what I suggest you say to yourself: The relationship was what it was. You have both learned important lessons even if all you have learned is to take a stand and protect yourself. He or she has also gained. From this appreciative and mature place, meet with your partner, share what you have gained or learned and tell him or her that it’s over.
Now begin to regroup. Follow the steps in my book, Love in 90 Days. It has dozens of easy-to-follow and proven ways to meet and date lots of terrific partners. You can work the program quickly or at your own pace and find someone who is committed to a shared future with you. Since that book was published, I’ve received thousands of emails from thankful readers who have used it to create great love relationships that are just right for them. You can, too.
