Six Suggestions to Help Lower Your Fear and Anxiety: Part 2

In a previous post I discussed three ways that learning about the origins of common fears can help us reduce our anxiety:¹

First, if we look around, we may notice that we are not the only ones suffering from fear and anxiety. Secondly, if we look ahead and plan ahead, we are less likely to encounter frightening situations that could be difficult to manage. And third, I suggested that we look up to inspirational people and avoid looking up to people who model anxious behaviors.

Today I discuss another three suggestions.

4. Look out!

Sometimes we learn to fear a new situation as a result of the information we receive. When someone tells us to look out for certain type of people (e.g., those who are too friendly), that person is informing us that these people are a threat.

Such warnings can be useful, but remember that they also influence our perception of the world; too many of them and we suddenly find ourselves face to face with a warning wherever we turn.

The solution?

Be curious about the information you hear or read. Do not swallow the information whole, so to speak, but digest it.

For instance, if someone were to tell you, after a celebrity suicide, that there is a “suicide epidemic” and that you should rush to buy a book on suicide to prevent potential suicide in your family and friends, you might want to ask the following questions:

-A “suicide epidemic,” says who? Based on what data? Data collected from whom? Where is this information published?

-What were the suicide rates before? Over the years, has the rate been steadily increasing, or perhaps fluctuating?

-Assuming the rate has been steadily increasing, what is the cause of it? How do we know? And how do we know this new book will help?

This may sound like a lot of work, but truth is not always easy to spot, as many accomplished scientists would tell you. An alternative is to go to trusted sources, people and organizations that have a track record of providing useful information based on solid evidence.

The other benefit of asking questions is that it can be empowering. Though when facing fear we may run away or simply freeze in place, asking questions allows us to become unstuck and to move toward fear. And then, through it.

5. Look in.

Though we have much in common with each other, we are also special in our own ways, and different from each other. The origins of some fears are possibly related to this kind of difference.

For instance, we have different personality traits. You can see that even in very young children. Some are more anxious than others.

But personality is not easy to change, so what are we to do if we have an anxious temperament/personality?

Look inside. Get to know yourself. Learn about your personality, so that you can rearrange the world around you and live a life that is more you.

In an ideal world, of course, people (e.g., family, friends, coworkers) would accommodate us, but reality requires that we take a more active role, and try to find people and situations that fit with who we are and what we want out of life.

For instance, if you look inside and realize that you are introvert, and find that living in an extroverted world has been making you anxious, then why not try to spend more time with introverted friends, and with those who understand you?

Do not misunderstand me, I am not suggesting that an introvert can not be friends with an extrovert, or that we should reject people who do not match or complement our personality perfectly.

Indeed, if having friends with different personalities and values matters to you, then you are more likely to be happy when surrounded by such a group of friends.

But what I have been trying to say is that we are less likely to experience unnecessary fear and anxiety when we live a life that is closer to our nature, values, and desires.

And the way to do that is to look inside and become aware of who we are; we will then be in a better position to decide what kind of life feels soothing and natural to us, and conversely what feels disagreeable and unwelcoming.

6. Look!

One cognitive theory of the origins of common fears suggests that we fear certain types of objects or situations, ones that are dangerous, disgusting, uncontrollable, or unpredictable.²

Danger is often associated with physical harm. Riding motorcycles is considered dangerous in part because, in comparison with someone driving a car, a rider is more likely to be seriously injured in accidents.

Disgust is usually related to disease (e.g., spoiled food) even though sometimes it can be elicited by relatively harmless stimuli (e.g., slugs).

Situations or objects that are unpredictable or uncontrollable also make us feel vulnerable, as the following example illustrates.

If you criticize your abusive boss, what is he going to do? He could fire you...or humiliate you...or give you the silent treatment...or, of course, accept your criticism. And that lack of predictability can intensify your anxiety before your encounter. Furthermore, if you feel that you have no control over the encounter, its consequences, or even your own emotional reactions to it, you will likely feel additional anxiety.

So how can we apply the findings of this cognitive theory of fear to lessen our anxieties?

The first step―whether you need to face your fear in speaking your mind to your boss or, say, cornering a mean-looking spider in the basement―is to buy yourself some time; then, take a long look at the situation. If possible, use another pair of eyes (especially someone who can provide you with objective feedback).

Ask questions like:

• What harm can come from X (i.e., the situation)?
• Is X unpredictable?
• Do I have absolutely no control over how X will affect me?

In the boss confrontation example, for instance, you do have some control, such as over how you word your complaint, your emotional reaction, etc.

What if speaking your mind results in you being fired? When you ask your friend this question, the two of you end up talking about various scenarios, such as reporting your boss to human resources, suing the company if you are fired, and of course, your chances of finding another job.

In short, though it may have appeared to you that your boss controls your life, you realize that this is not so, and that you do have some power and a number of options. This understanding is likely to reduce your anxiety.

You can apply the same kind of thinking to other situations, whether you are dealing with fear of some illness, financial difficulties, relationship troubles....

I would like to end by noting that often times we have more power than we think; often there are more resources available out there than we imagine.

It is rarely easy, but if you can, stretch out your hands and part the curtain of fear a little, open our eyes, and look.

What do you see?