How Emotionally Attuning Can Enhance a Relationship

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People often look for a quick fix or hack when it comes to improving their relationships; however, it’s not quite that simple. A relationship is a complex dynamic that involves not only the partners but is also shaped by each person’s connections, lived experiences, and beliefs. Despite its complexity, there is actually a research-backed approach to enhance your connection: attuning to your partner.

Emotional Bids

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman describes turning toward a partner in terms of emotional bids. A bid is a request for connection and often involves a person sending a verbal or nonverbal message to their partner. An example of a verbal bid would be a person asking their partner explicitly to spend time with them. An example of a nonverbal bid would be a person making a move to hold their partner’s hand.

A person can turn toward, away, or against a bid, and each of these choices (conscious or subconscious) can alter the interaction between partners. Turning toward involves engaging with your partner. For example, if a person says, “Look at that bird!” you might walk over to the window and say, “Wow! It’s beautiful!” This creates a shared experience, and your partner is likely to feel heard.

Turning away, or more of a neutral response, would be if instead of walking over to the window, you were to stay on the couch, swiping through your phone apps. Now, this may not be an intentional move on your part, but it fails to connect you and your partner. When a person is preoccupied with their phone (such as in the case of phubbing), they may miss their partner’s bid to engage.

Turning against would involve a response such as, “Are you serious? Can’t you see I’m playing with my phone? Why would I get up to look at a bird?” This can be interpreted as hostile and also shuts down any potential connection in that moment.

Turning toward a partner builds trust, emotional intimacy, and the foundation of a secure relationship. By turning toward, you are emotionally attuned to your partner. In fact, Dr. Gottman found that in successful long-term relationships, couples who stay together turn toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Attunement

While John Gottman discusses emotional attunement in his work, it is one of the core features of Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT, which is built on attachment theory, shares that partners who are attuned to one another are emotionally present and responsive to one another and their emotional needs.

In an EFT session, a clinician will often model attunement by validating a client’s experiences and thoughts, and evoking and deepening their emotions. As couples learn to master this skill, they are able to recognize and respond to the emotions of their partner, which can lead to a sense of security and stability within the relationship.

The Tweak

After taking a closer look at the benefits of attuning to your partner through the lens of Dr. Gottman’s work and EFT, there is a way that you can employ this in your own relationship. Asking your partner, “How can I best be present for you right now?” reflects emotional attunement and communicates to your partner that you care about their needs and want to support them. This question is especially helpful in situations in which your partner is going through something challenging, and you aren’t sure if you should problem solve or simply be present and listen. Engaging with your partner in the way they need not only creates a joint experience but can deepen your bond.