Focus on You for Us

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Many people believe that in order to strengthen a relationship, one must focus solely on their partner. However, focusing on the self, specifically by practicing self-compassion, can enhance an interpersonal connection. This is because self-compassion not only affects how a person acts toward themselves, but how they interact with their partners, manage conflict and the aftermath of a disagreement, and regulate their emotions.

Kristen Neff (2003) defines self-compassion as a construct with three components: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness involves turning toward oneself in a caring way, as opposed to being critical or judgmental. Common humanity is the focus on the human experience, and mindfulness calls upon a person to hold their feelings in balanced awareness. Neff highlights the misconception that self-compassion would serve to separate or isolate the self from others. Specifically, she notes that self-compassion “recognizes that all individuals should be treated with kindness and caring, and that a compassionate attitude toward oneself is needed to avoid falsely separating oneself from the rest of humanity." (Neff, 2003)

Researchers have found that higher levels of self-compassion are associated with greater relationship satisfaction and that self-compassionate individuals tend to engage in healthier relationship behaviors (Neff & Berettas, 2013). Those high in self-compassion have also been shown to be lower in verbal aggression, controlling behavior, and detachment.

Körner, Tandler, Petersen, and Schütz (2024) have extended the research on self-compassion and relationships by adding an additional dimension: relationship-specific self-compassion. This construct focuses on how self-caring a person is to themselves after experiencing conflict within their relationship. The researchers found that general self-compassion was linked to an individual’s relationship satisfaction, but was largely unrelated to their partner’s relationship satisfaction. This suggests that general self-compassion is not a dyadic construct. Relationship-specific self-compassion, however, was associated with a person’s partner’s relationship satisfaction. Therefore, how self-compassionate an individual is after experiencing failure or conflict in a relationship can influence the experience of their partner. When looking at general self-compassion, the researchers found that those who reported higher levels of self-compassion also reported investing more into their relationship and experiencing higher sexual fulfillment. Self-compassionate individuals were also more likely to evaluate their relationship as enduring and as having potential, and they reported less mistrust.

Understanding the role that self-compassion can play, both with respect to the individual and the experience of their partner, is important. This is because self-compassion can be developed, and as such, therapeutic interventions or self-development in this area can have a profound impact on romantic relationships.

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