Not Enough! The Scarcity Mindset in Dating

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A person with a scarcity mindset believes that they will never have the things they want or need, experiences fear of limited resources, and focuses on what they don’t have rather than what they do. People who have adopted this mindset might live paycheck-to-paycheck despite having money in their savings, feeling as if they don’t have enough to survive or fearing that they will lose it all suddenly. This can create a great deal of anxiety, as the person will constantly feel the pressure of having to provide and succeed. With this mindset, despite having access to resources, the person feels as if there is never enough, which can be very damaging.

A scarcity mindset not only impacts our behavior and cognitions but also the way in which we relate to others. Research by Li et al. (2023) demonstrated that a scarcity mindset dampens the ability of people to empathize with the pain of others. Those with a scarcity mindset will instead focus on personal needs and self-preservation.

Research by Shah et al. (2012) demonstrated that inducing a scarcity mindset can affect decision-making. The researchers conducted a series of experiments in which the allocation of resources made some people “poor” while others were “rich.” Those who were “poor” focused more on immediate concerns, borrowing more money in the short term, which had negative long-term consequences. Resources and the perception of resources impact our choices.

Connection to Relationships

In the world of dating and relationships, the scarcity mindset can have profound effects. People with a scarcity mindset can feel as if they are inadequate, causing them to settle for any available relationship for the purpose of companionship. They may stay with a partner who doesn’t meet their needs, fearing that without them, they will never be able to find anyone. Those with a scarcity mindset may also have a fear of rejection, believing that they will never be able to show up in the way that is needed for someone else. They may also fear losing their partner due to their own perceived shortcomings. This may manifest as them being overly clingy and anxious within the partnership, which can, in turn, affect the quality of their relationship. This mindset can also lead to feelings of insecurity and jealousy.

What to Do

Overcoming the scarcity mindset involves reframing the way in which you view the world (and in the case of relationships, how you view love and connection). Adopting an abundance mindset would enable a person to view resources as limitless. Applying this to relationships, it is the view that there are plenty of potential partners and opportunities for connection. Additionally, it is important for a person to be present and embrace the dating process (even if that brings a great deal of discomfort). While the fear of the unknown, such as when a person will find a partner, can be anxiety-inducing, being present is important. It enables the person to assess interpersonal compatibility and is more likely to prevent them from settling for a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.