Couple Identity: The Relationship Post-Baby

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Hypothetical couple Steven and Sarah have been together for six years and have a 7-month-old daughter. They have a strong relationship and many interests. Before baby, they often spent weekends hiking and finding new restaurants to try out. However, since the arrival of their daughter, their relationship satisfaction has taken a dip. Both are devoted parents and support one another in their new roles as mom and dad. However, each has assumed their new parental identity, which has left little time for the two of them as a couple. They are aware of the issue, but feel guilty asking their families for help or taking time out from parenting, as they want to have a constant caring presence in their daughter’s life, especially during this stage.

Research has demonstrated a decline in marriage quality following the birth of a baby. In a series of studies conducted by the Gottman Institute, the researchers found that parents tend to feel underappreciated after the birth of a child and the frequency and intensity of relationship conflict increases (Lisitsa, n.d.). There are many reasons for this bump up in conflict, such as taking on new roles and responsibilities, lacking the time for self-care, parenting burnout, and added stress. Having a strong support system and an ally (your partner) definitely helps, but it is also important to go beyond your parenting duties and save time for yourselves, both as individuals and as a couple. Below are some ideas to help with maintaining your identity as a couple and safeguarding your relationship from that satisfaction slump.

Acknowledge and Accept

First, it is important to acknowledge that things have changed and accept the current state of the relationship. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you are satisfied with the current state of affairs, but rather it is an awareness of them. Once you acknowledge the level of stress, change in your relationship, and need for help, you are more likely to ask for it and devise a plan you will stick to.

Seek Support

If you and your partner are a team, as Steven and Sarah are, great. It’s important to branch outside of the couple relationship and seek support from family members and friends. It is OK to have someone come over to spend some time with the baby, relieving the two of you from your parental duties. Time spent together as a couple is important.

Find Your New Normal

The reality is that your situation has changed and expecting to go back to how things were, especially in the short term, is likely to leave you disappointed. The two of you do have a lot more responsibility, so scheduling a trip on a whim isn’t likely to happen (though this doesn’t mean that you can’t have a wonderful date night by planning ahead). Take some time to sit down with your partner and discuss what aspects of your life as a couple you most value (dinner out together, morning hikes, etc.), and try to incorporate those that are more important. Trying to fit everything back in all at once will likely create more stress, so picking one thing and slowly introducing it to your routine (with the help of your support system) will be much more successful.

As your family expands, your relationship will likely change. By maintaining your identity as a couple, you can have a healthy and satisfying relationship.