Choose Your Partner Wisely

If you are in the early stages of getting to know someone or relatively early into your relationship, and you are unsure whether this person is right for you, then this perspective is exactly what you need.

When you make important decisions like buying a house, you arrange a home inspection. When you make a financial purchase like a car or major appliance, you might go to Consumer Reports. You look for guidance from friends or online when choosing a doctor, picking out a restaurant, or hiring a plumber.

But where do you go when choosing a partner?

Consider this. In August 2021, a 22-year-old American woman and traveling “vlogger,” Gabby Petito, was killed by her fiancé, Brian Laundrie, while they were traveling together on a van life journey across the United States.

On September 19, her remains were found in Wyoming’s Bridger-Teton National Forest. An autopsy found that she was killed by blunt-force injuries to her head and neck and manual strangulation. A month later, Brian’s remains were found in Florida, an autopsy confirmed that he had died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. The FBI later announced that, in his notebook (found near his remains), he had admitted to killing Petito.

Petito was a beautiful and vital young woman who fell in love with Laundrie when she was 19. They “clicked,” and within a few months, they were steadily dating. Then they got engaged and decided to hop in a converted van and, as so many young people in love have been doing forever, take off to explore the world together.

How did this happen? How did her boyfriend get to the point of murdering her and then killing himself? What were the missed warning signs?

With the brilliance of 20-20 hindsight, the following were flashing warning signs. There was some physical aggression. Her friends and family told her that something seemed off about Laundrie. Petito consistently blamed herself when something went wrong between the two of them.

Laundrie became increasingly jealous and possessive. He would also “love bomb” her and shower her with extravagant gifts. He found ways to steadily isolate her from her friends and keep track of her while she was working. She felt bad about seeing him in pain and kept wanting to rescue and soothe him. Mixed in with the good times, they had more and more blowout arguments and tense fights.

No system that aims to predict future human behavior can ever be foolproof. We know that the accuracy rates for the prediction of relationship violence—even among clinical experts—leave a lot to be desired. Some people who show many warning signs may be fine partners. And others may fall through the cracks of this detection system.

These guidelines should be used to fine-tune your radar and significantly increase the likelihood of success. Fortunately, research advances in the past several decades (utilizing actuarial measures identifying key behavior patterns and attitudes in the past and present, not just clinical impressions) have significantly improved the validity of these predictions.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Individuals can make informed decisions about the abuse potential of prospective partners if they use multilayered resources, which include the following:

1. Knowing which “red flags” to look for in your prospective or current partner and paying close attention

2. Learning to “trust your gut” and any feelings of fear and or coercion (and learning when your gut feeling might lead you astray)

3. Questioning your partner about attitudes and past behaviors that might represent risk factors

4. Accessing social media that might yield information about possible developmental and current risk factors

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5. Getting feedback from trusted friends and family members about your compatibility with your proposed partner and their judgment of the potential for abuse

6. Paying close attention to the naturally occurring incidence of disagreements you have with your prospective partner and the maturity level of reactions

With this information, we can help make you smarter and safer, and you can make informed decisions about what to look for in perhaps the most important decision you will ever make.

I am not trying to scare you off from relationships, and I am not trying to paint a picture of most people being dangerous. If you are fortunate enough not to have dealt with these behaviors, congratulations.

But if you are not—and if you may be engaging in your own form of denial, minimization, and rationalization of these behaviors—then pay attention to the Gabby Petito story to help fine-tune your radar.