The Science of Magnetism: How to Become Irresistible

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After food, shelter, and safety, we all share the same basic need: meaningful relationships with the people in our lives. But the secret to strong relationships isn’t what we’ve been told by society. Research by Kim Cameron and his colleagues reveals what actually works.

Whether it’s lovers, coworkers, friends, roommates, or family members, life is just easier (and so much better!) when relationships work.

And it hurts when they don't.

Unfortunately, although we all want the same thing, most of us never learn how to make these relationships successful. It's not something we’re taught in school, and it shows—so many people complain about toxic workplaces, toxic relationships. The divorce rates are sky-high, and loneliness has been on the rise for decades.

What does society tell us? Look beautiful, get Botox and fillers! Be successful! Make lots of money! Exercise to look hot! Sigh. And then sooner or later, we find out none of this is actually true.

Researchers at the University of Michigan, led by Kim Cameron, discovered that certain people seem to be irresistibly attractive. Other people flourish around them and are drawn to them like magnets. When looking at workplaces, for example, they found that certain people created an incredible atmosphere around them that led to greater well-being, productivity, and energy. It's as if these people were life-giving for those around them.

Their secret? Something Cameron calls “positive practices.”

What Are "Positive Practices"?

Think of them as everyday kindnesses that build trust and warmth. While writing my latest book, Sovereign, I called them micro-moments of upliftment because that's what they are. They don't take a lot of time or effort, but they yield enormous impact.

• Caring for others and showing genuine interest in them—whether it's the person at the cash register, your coworker, your roommate, or your family. Sounds obvious (and even boring), but too often we're too wrapped up in our own concerns and stresses to take notice of others. We take them for granted—until they're gone. We may not mean to, but they feel it. And it stings.
• Supporting each other, especially during hard times. Many people are going through a challenging experience at any given time—whether it's financial, marital, or health-related. Sometimes, when someone comes off rude or cold, they've got a backstory. They're stressed at work, just got some bad news, or are feeling awful. When you are genuinely curious, attentive, and kind when you interact with others, you can shift that entire person's day, strengthen your relationship with them, and both of you will feel better after your interaction.
• Forgiving instead of blaming. Research shows that when we focus on the negative—which, by the way, is easy for us to do because of our brain's negativity bias—we drag other people down. By blaming them and pointing fingers, we don't just drag them down; we also drag ourselves down in the process. Pointing fingers is easy. But it often doesn't help. On the other hand, studies show that when we give others a break and forgive them, not only do they feel safer and happier with us, but our own load is lightened. We feel better, and our relationships improve. (This is not to say that you shouldn't have boundaries—especially in situations of abuse.)
• Inspiring one another. What does help is inspiring others to be their best selves. And it starts by being a role model ourselves. When you uplift others—through well-being practices like gratitude, getting enough rest, exercise, breathwork, and meditation—you uplift others by your presence. You become an example of how they, too, can be their best selves.
• Finding meaning in what you do together (even the boring stuff). Whether it's grocery shopping or volunteering, emphasize how important the other person is to you, and engage in conversations and actions that are generous, loving, and fun. A sense of humor is always the icing on the cake!
• Showing respect, gratitude, trust, and integrity. How do you feel around someone who is honest or who has integrity? You feel safe. How do you feel around someone compassionate? You feel cared for. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with. When you show up for others in this way, they will naturally gravitate toward you and want to be with you.

In short: It’s about treating people like they matter, uplifting them, seeing them for their best self, and letting them know you truly care.

Why It Works

Cameron and his team found that when people consistently treat each other this way, three big things happen:

• People feel good—and it shows. Positive emotions bring out the best in us; Barbara Fredrickson has shown this in her research. They help us think more clearly, connect better, and become more creative. When we feel emotionally safe, we’re more open and engaged. We naturally connect with others more easily. Our relationships improve.
• We handle stress better. Supportive relationships act like a buffer. When something goes wrong, we bounce back faster if we feel understood and cared for. We become braver and bolder. We feel like we can do anything.
• We bring out the best in each other. People are more loyal, cooperative, and motivated when they feel appreciated. They show up—not just physically, but emotionally.

Think about how this shows up in your own life:

• When your friend forgives you for snapping at them instead of holding a grudge.
• When your partner encourages you instead of pointing out what you did wrong.
• When a family member checks in, just to say they care.

It’s not grand gestures but small micro-moments that make a big difference.

The best part? When you uplift others—say, by offering a kind word, helping someone out, or lending an ear—your own energy increases. You feel better, too! In other words, uplifting others doesn't just strengthen your relationships; it increases your well-being, too.

How to Start

1. Say what you appreciate—out loud. We’re quick to point out what’s annoying. Try flipping that. Compliment the bagger at the grocery store. Tell your friend what you admire about them. Let your sibling know you notice how hard they’re working. Compliments are so easy to give, but we often forget to tell people what we appreciate about them. They land deeply when they’re sincere and can uplift others in an instant.

2. Be kind when it’s hardest. When someone messes up, resist the urge to blame. Try compassion instead. Everyone has off days. By showing this grace to others, you take the edge off the situation. Your relationship deepens.

3. Create tiny rituals of care. This could be texting a friend every Monday to check in, writing a quick thank-you note, or ending the day with a few minutes of conversation on the phone with a relative who lives alone.

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4. Focus on what’s right, not just what’s wrong. One of the CEOs Cameron worked with asked his team to name three things they liked about each other—something most people never hear. Try doing that in your own life. It’s easy to notice flaws; it takes love to see strengths.

These small gestures can seem so simple, but they're backed by hard data. Being kind, supportive, and respectful isn’t just “being nice.” It’s a real way to deepen connection, reduce stress, and help your relationships thrive.

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