For a Perfect Valentine's Day, Science Says Do This

Research shows making yourself your Valentine isn’t selfish—it can transform relationships. Seriously.

In a world that glorifies hustle culture, where we’re encouraged to push harder, work longer, and constantly run on empty, it’s easy to forget the most important relationship: The one with ourselves. We talk a lot about toxic workplaces and toxic relationships, but there's one we overlook: The harmful relationship we have with ourselves.

And here’s the kicker: Our relationship with ourselves profoundly shapes our connections with others. When we’re burned out or down on ourselves, we are likely to bring others down as well.

Many of us are familiar with self-criticism, the feeling of not being “good enough,” and the relentless drive to do more. In researching my latest book Sovereign, I came across a statistic showing that 80 percent of millennials believe they are "not good enough" concerning almost every area of their life. (What?) This inner harshness, combined with a lack of self-care, can be deeply destructive. But here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be this way. We can break this cycle and learn to treat ourselves with the kindness and care we deserve.

At the heart of this shift lies self-compassion — a concept that has profound implications for our well-being. True sovereignty is about reclaiming our right to nurture, honor, and celebrate who we are. It’s about recognizing our inherent worth, unique gifts, and the light we bring to the world. In the flurry of Valentine’s Day and the world’s focus on external relationships, I encourage you to pause and reflect on the most important relationship: The one with you.

The Science of Self-Compassion

Research consistently shows that self-compassion is linked to greater happiness, creativity, and well-being. Studies suggest that when we treat ourselves with kindness rather than criticism, we become more resilient, less stressed, and more satisfied with life. Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in the field of self-compassion, has found that people who practice self-compassion have higher levels of motivation and are less likely to experience negative emotions like shame and fear of failure.

But the benefits don’t stop there. Self-compassion also has a ripple effect on our relationships with others. When we treat ourselves with understanding and empathy, we are more likely to extend that kindness to those we love. As Neff’s research highlights, people who practice self-compassion are more likely to engage in supportive behaviors in their relationships, which fosters deeper connection and empathy.

This is particularly important in a world where many of us are stretched thin and juggling multiple roles. When we are hard on ourselves, we often become hard on others as well. We’re more likely to snap at our loved ones or neglect their needs because we’re running on empty. But when we honor ourselves, and practice self-compassion, we create the emotional space to give more to those around us.

Why This Matters

The only relationship you’re guaranteed for the rest of your life is the one with yourself. And it can be the most fulfilling, empowering relationship you have. Studies have shown that self-compassion is linked to improved mental health and greater emotional stability. It acts as a buffer against anxiety and depression and even strengthens our immune system. Essentially, treating yourself with kindness is not just a “feel-good” exercise — it has real, tangible effects on your health and well-being.

But here’s something to consider: If you feel self-compassion is self-indulgent or not worth your time, think about this: when we treat ourselves harshly or with self-criticism, that’s what we’re modeling for our kids. Is that really how we want our children to speak to themselves? Children are keen observers. They internalize the messages we send them about their worth. If we consistently demonstrate self-criticism, it can teach them to do the same. And, as we know, negative self-talk and self-criticism can have lasting effects on a child's mental and emotional development. Instead, we have an opportunity to model compassion, patience, and kindness — values that will serve them for a lifetime.

The Dangers of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is not just an uncomfortable feeling; it is linked to several serious consequences for our mental and emotional health. Research shows that self-criticism and self-abuse are associated with lower resilience, greater anxiety and depression, and feelings of inadequacy. A study by Dr. Kelly Werner (2020) found that people who engage in self-criticism tend to have lower levels of resilience and struggle more with emotional recovery following stress. This is because self-criticism creates a cycle of negative thoughts, reducing our capacity to bounce back from setbacks.

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Moreover, self-criticism has been linked to increased anxiety and depression. According to a study by Dr. Zila A. Z. Brown (2017), overly self-critical individuals are more likely to experience depression and anxiety because their inner dialogue amplifies feelings of shame and guilt, both of which hinder emotional well-being. Individuals who engage in chronic self-criticism are more likely to engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as avoidance or substance use, to manage the intense negative emotions they experience.

On the other hand, self-compassion is a protective factor, helping us develop the resilience to face challenges with a sense of self-kindness and acceptance. Studies show that when we embrace self-compassion, we become better equipped to handle adversity and are less likely to spiral into hopelessness or overwhelm.

Honoring Yourself to Honor Others

When self-compassion is a priority, we don’t just heal ourselves; we create a healing presence for those around us. It’s simple: When we are kinder to ourselves, we are kinder to others. A life in which you honor yourself — your needs, your worth, your uniqueness — is one in which you will also deeply honor others. This is the kind of life where you’ll find genuine happiness, a sense of peace, and the ability to offer a haven to the people who matter most to you.

It’s easy to think of self-compassion as a form of self-indulgence or selfishness, but the reality is that it’s an act of strength, not weakness. By nurturing yourself, you are more able to serve others with compassion and grace. And this is where true fulfillment lies — not in giving until you’re depleted, but in cultivating a relationship with yourself that fuels you to give from a place of abundance.

This Valentine’s Day, take a moment to look inward. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate your journey, your growth, and your unique spirit. Recognize that you are a blessing to this world, and when you honor yourself, you will deepen your capacity to honor those around you.

Happy Valentine’s Day — may it be filled with love, compassion, and kindness, starting with the most important person in your life: You.