Face Public Speaking With Less Stress

Use the 4 P's to help youself with public speaking.

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You notice yourself feeling anxious about giving a talk. You need to figure out what you're going to say, but you keep procrastinating. You recently used "self-sabotage" to describe your challenge to your friend.

“I don’t know why, but I keep stressing," you say, exasperated. "I want less stress and more enthusiasm."

Fear of public speaking regularly outranks fear of death, spiders, and heights in the list of top fears.

It's very common, and if you have anxiety around delivering a talk, consider these 4 P's: preference, presence, preparation, and practice (exposures).

Preferences (and preference scripts)

Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), said that most people believe three basic musts and that this causes stress². These "musts," also called demands, reveal themselves in the use of words like should, ought to, must, need to, and have to.

What are the 3 basic musts (or demands)?

1. I must do well and win approval.
2. You must treat me well.
3. The world must be easy.

Because life rarely corresponds with these demands, you'll feel distress if you're holding these.

Musty scripts. If you want to give a talk and you hold all three of these beliefs, you'll also notice that your self-talk contains what we might call musty scripts, or musty thinking. Examples might include, "What if I don't do well and win approval? What if others don't treat me well during the talk? What if this talk isn't easy?"

These "what if" questions (left unanswered and musty) create worry. They might conjure fantasies of challenge, frustration, and difficulty. Task completion becomes harder and more stressful.

The opposite response includes unconditionally accepting yourself, others, and life as imperfect. How can you do this? Learn to think preferentially.

Learning to think preferentially. Ellis taught that healthy rational preferences live underneath our demands. So peel those demands away to discover your preferential thinking and reduce reactivity.

Let's look at 3 examples of how your inner self-talk might sound if you revise each of these 3 musts into preferences. Instead of demanding that you must do well, others must treat you well, and life must be easy, these examples of "preference scripts" may redirect your thinking.

3 Preference Scripts that might help reduce stress

1. Instead of I must do well, consider, "Of course I'd prefer to do well and gain others' approval, but alas, I cannot guarantee that the talk will go perfectly, nor can I guarantee anyone else's response. I can only work at delivering a talk that has value and addresses the questions. Even if I don't do as well as I prefer and even if I gain no one's approval, I can unconditionally accept myself as a fallible human who made a good attempt."

2. Instead of others must treat me well, consider, "Naturally, I want to be treated fairly, kindly, and well by others. But, alas, I cannot control others. I can prefer it and work toward it by asking for what I want and advocating for myself if others treat me unkindly. Sometimes, I might opt to take a breath, make a request, or take a positive action on my own. Even if I don't receive the treatment I prefer, I can accept others as fallible and still do my best."

3. Instead of this should be easier, consider, "Yes, I'd prefer this speaking to be easy and hassle-free, but alas, it isn't. Even so, I can work toward making it as easy and hassle-free as possible, and I can handle the parts that aren't easy by using coping and rational self-talk. Even if not everything goes as I like, I can accept this as a part of life and just do my best in that moment."

Presence

How does getting more present help this process, and how can you get more present?

Presence helps this process because you can begin to notice what is happening, and sometimes you interrupt the narration altogether.

But, even if you don't interrupt the narration, noticing is a precursor to using REBT.

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One way to increase your presence is to notice both the extreme and subtle shifts that occur inside you emotionally, physically, and mentally during your day. ³

• If your mood goes from good to bad, for example, you might take a moment and ask yourself, "What is going on in my thinking right now?" Become present to the thoughts streaming through your mind.
• If you start to feel angry, notice if you're holding some musty thoughts on others or on life.
• If you start to feel embarrassed or ashamed, observe your mental imagery and whether you are focused on the past or condemning yourself for how you should have performed.
• If you're worrying, is your mental imagery focused on future catastrophes? Is there a musty thought?

As you do, you might notice how much of your experience of being settled versus stressed is based upon noticing your thinking and using REBT to shift down from the demands and into the preferences.

At this point, you can do the next 2 P's.

Preparation

Prepare your speech. Even the smallest amount of preparation is better than no preparation. Just lean in. Start by asking yourself how you want to begin and end the speech, then fill in the middle, including examples. ¹

Practice

Practice your speech out loud. You might want to do this by yourself many times before practicing in front of another person. The more you rehearse, the more you'll realize how to improve upon your speech. Then, continue practicing public speaking until the anxiety diminishes. Facing your fear in small doses, called exposures, will improve your skill and reduce anxiety, especially if you speak on a frequent and consistent basis.⁴

Using the 4 P's of preferences, presence, preparation, and practice, and you will likely grow in skill and confidence.