Infidelity
Is It Cheating or Just Innocent Fun?
Emotional fidelity and boundaries in modern relationships.
Posted February 4, 2025 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful as physical cheating, especially in online interactions.
- Social media fosters emotional connections that can lead to mistrust and strain relationships.
- Open communication and clear boundaries are essential to protect emotional fidelity in relationships.
Cheating. Just the word can stir up strong emotions and heated debates. What defines infidelity in a committed relationship? While the traditional view focuses on physical cheating, the rapid evolution of technology and social media adds more complexity to the question. What about the behavior we can’t always see, like a partner engaging in a private Facebook group, chatting with strangers, or posting flirtatious comments? Is that cheating, emotional infidelity—or just harmless fun?
Most of us know the classic definition of cheating: It's any breach of trust in a relationship. It’s often considered physical—an affair, a one-night stand, or some other secretive rendezvous. But here's the thing: Emotional cheating can be just as damaging, if not more so. As Shirley Glass, a psychologist who’s researched infidelity extensively, has found, emotional cheating can evoke feelings of betrayal comparable to physical betrayal.
So, what happens when a partner spends hours engaging with strangers in a private Facebook or WhatsApp group? It’s not physical but it's undoubtedly private and may be flirtatious. Can you call it “just talking,” or is it emotional cheating in disguise? Navigating these gray areas is challenging but it's a conversation couples need to have.
The Thin Line Between Flirtation and Emotional Infidelity
Let’s take a moment to explore something that might seem familiar to you: You’re out with friends, maybe on a date, and you notice your partner checking out someone across the room. Have you ever been in that situation and felt, well, a little invisible? Or worse, unimportant?
Is it possible that these seemingly harmless glances—or even comments on Instagram or Facebook—create emotional distance? Maybe it’s just a “harmless” flirtation online or a passing real-life glance. But for some, these moments feel like a betrayal, especially if it happens regularly. I recently witnessed this dynamic first-hand at dinner. A woman had that exact “glance moment” after “catching” her partner looking at another woman as she walked by. I could feel the tension in the air. Both partners were impacted. I couldn’t help but wonder: Are we all unaware of how these small acts can build up?
It’s not just physical attention that can break trust. A simple comment, a heart emoji on a post, or engaging in private messages with someone outside your relationship can feel like a betrayal, depending on how the partner perceives it. But the problem isn’t always about intent; it’s about boundaries and understanding what constitutes emotional fidelity.
Understanding Behavioral Red Flags
What often signals emotional infidelity isn’t just physical closeness; it’s time. How much time is your partner investing in someone outside the relationship? If they’re dedicating hours to online chats or engaging more with someone else than with you, that’s a red flag. Throw in some suggestive comments or emojis, and things get even murkier.
In reality, many people aren’t thinking about emotional fidelity when engaging online, especially in a group setting. But the emotional connection can still be there, and the consequences can be far-reaching. It's not just about keeping secrets; it’s about building an emotional bridge that bypasses your primary relationship.
How Emotional Infidelity Affects Relationships
The impact of emotional infidelity isn’t just theoretical. Studies confirm that emotional cheating can feel just as painful as physical cheating. For instance, Amanda J. Rose’s research shows that the emotional hurt caused by a partner’s emotional affair can be as damaging as discovering a physical affair.
But here’s where things get interesting: Social media plays a huge role. Studies have shown that the nature of online interactions—like commenting, liking, and sliding into DMs—can cause misunderstandings and mistrust between partners. Social media facilitates easy communication but can also cause misunderstanding and mistrust. It enables easy, intimate connections that might otherwise not happen. And while there may be no physical proximity, the emotional bond created online can still strain a relationship.
Cultural attitudes are shifting, too. A growing number of people now perceive emotional cheating as a form of betrayal, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). This change in mindset reflects the evolving dynamics of modern relationships, in which technology constantly challenges traditional ideas of loyalty.
How Boundaries Can Protect Your Relationship
Experts like Esther Perel emphasize the importance of open communication in relationships. Technology has completely transformed how we connect, meaning boundaries—primarily online—are more crucial than ever. Couples must have honest conversations about what’s acceptable in the digital world. Is commenting on someone’s post a harmless interaction, or does it cross a line? Is private messaging with strangers okay, or does it feel like a betrayal?
In my experience, when couples encounter these disagreements, it’s often helpful to bring in a neutral third party—a couples therapist or counselor. The goal isn’t to take sides but to help both partners communicate their feelings and reestablish healthy boundaries. This is an opportunity to reset and prevent those minor frustrations from becoming a bigger problem.
What Is Cheating to You?
All partners must consider their answer to the question: What boundaries define trust in my relationship?
As relationships evolve, so do definitions of fidelity. Reflecting on your boundaries and communicating openly with your partner is essential. What feels like cheating to one person might not to another, but discussing these differences is a first step toward healthier, more resilient relationships.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (2003).
Dr. Amanda J. Rose, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, (2004)
The State of Affairs by Esther Perel (2017).