Marriage 911: Sexuality and Aging

This post is Part 5 in a six-part "Marriage 911" series on the top relationship problems.

“Dr. Cheryl, our sex drive, our bodies, and our desire have all changed. Help!”

Sex and aging. Let’s talk about it. Because the truth is, we are all getting older.

I myself am turning 63 this month. And let me be very clear: That does not mean sex has to stop. It does mean sexuality changes.

Your body changes. Your desire changes. Your arousal changes. Your body image may change. What used to feel easy, spontaneous, and reliable may now feel confusing, frustrating, painful, unpredictable, or just… gone.

But please hear me: Do not give up.

Sexual Changes Are Not Just for “Older” Couples

You may be thinking, “Well, this does not apply to me yet.”

Not so fast, my younger friend.

Sexuality can shift at any age.

So whether you are in your 30s with young children, your 50s and navigating menopause, or in your 70s wondering whether sensuality still belongs to you, this conversation matters.

When Bodies Stop Cooperating

Let’s cut to the chase. For men, aging can bring changes in erection quality. Maybe the erection is softer. Maybe it does not last long enough for intercourse. Maybe penetration becomes unreliable. And because so many people define sex as intercourse, this can feel like failure.

But it is not a failure, it is a change.

A man can have stimulation, pleasure, and even ejaculation with a soft penis. What may be difficult is penetration. That matters, yes. But it does not mean the erotic encounter has to end just because what used to happen easily doesn’t.

You can incorporate hand play, mouth play, toy play, touch, sensuality, and all sorts of delicious connections that do not require one body part to behave like it did at age 25.

For women, especially after menopause, hormonal changes can affect the vaginal tissue. The lining can become thinner and more sensitive. Penetration may become uncomfortable. And let’s be honest: It is pretty hard to enjoy a sensual encounter if you are worried it is going to hurt.

Orgasm can change too. The orgasm that once felt like an 8 out of 10 may now feel like a 1 out of 10. There may still be release, but not the same pleasure, intensity, or ease.

These changes can be discouraging. They can also be addressed. So again, please do not give up.

Reasons Are Real, Excuses Keep You Stuck

The changes with aging and sexuality are real. We cannot fix them—if fixing means going back to how easy sex was a decade or three ago. I have yet to find a time machine.

Our bodies change. Our hormones change. Our energy changes. Often our confidence changes too. These are valid reasons that sex may become more complicated. Sadly, this means many couples avoid sex altogether.

But there is a difference between a reason and an excuse.

A reason says, “This has changed. We need to approach our sensual life differently.”

An excuse says, “This has changed. So I guess that part of us is over.”

Please do not let the second voice win.

I work with so many couples in my online Become Passion program to help them move from sexless to sexual again. Tony and Patty slept in separate bedrooms for four years before they joined my program, and now they enjoy a revived and loving sexual life again.

You may need new tools, new education, and a different definition of what sex means.

But a different sensual life can still be a beautiful sensual life.

The Couple Who Had No Sex for 30 Years

Let me tell you about Cheryl and Norm, a couple in their early 70s. (You can hear more of their story in the video.)

They joined my Become Passion program a few years ago, after seeing one of my free classes. They said, “We want this. We want to try again.” At the time, they had not had sex for 30 years.

Let me repeat that.

Thirty years.

They had not even seen each other naked in decades. They changed separately in the walk-in closet so the other person would not see their body.

They had been through a lot: affairs, fighting, verbal abuse, deep disconnection.

But they did the work. Methodically. Courageously. Together.

And they re-created a sensual life.

Now they schedule sex every six days.

They are delighted to have that part of their relationship alive again.

So if a voice in your head says, “It’s too late,” please question that voice.

It may not be too late.

It may simply be time to begin again differently.

Sex Is More Than Intercourse—Rewrite your Sexual Story

One of the biggest problems couples face is that they define sex too narrowly. If intercourse is difficult, they decide sex is impossible. If desire is low, they decide passion is gone. If bodies have changed, they decide sensuality no longer belongs to them.

No, my friends. There is so much more sensual pleasure available than just intercourse.

More cuddling. More naked snuggling. More kissing. More bathing together. More slow touch. More skin on skin. More erotic play. More pleasure without pressure. More tenderness. More laughter. More curiosity.

Your sensual life does not need to look like it did 20 years ago to be meaningful.

It needs to work for the two of you now. With the bodies you have now. The desire you have now. The relationship you have now.

One of the most important things you can do as sexuality changes is rewrite the story in your head.

Not what sex “should” be. Not what it used to be. But what intimacy, pleasure, touch, and erotic connection can become now. Sex may be a tiny sliver of time in your week, month, or year. But it creates a rich, beautiful connectedness.

This erotic connection can be emotional. It can be playful. It can be spiritual. It can be deeply bonding.

And we ignore it at our peril.

A Gentle Next Step

If your sexuality has changed, please do not disappear into silence. Do not let embarrassment make this the big unspoken thing between you.

Talk gently. Get information. Read books. Take a class. Join a program. And please, do not give up on the joy and beauty of your sensual life.

Let’s make your relationship a priority—including the naked part.