Why Great Couples Touch More and Touch Often

I lay in my husband's arms, a small spoon nestled within his big. His arm is draped around me and his large palm rests over my heart. I sigh with contentment. The worries of the day seep into my pillow and my tight muscles soften as my heartbeat slows down.

This is the tantalizing, healing power of touch.

So let me ask you: Have you snuggled your sweetheart today?

As you will see in this video, intimate non-sexual touch is a beautiful nonverbal way to cultivate connection, calm, and a sense of psychological safety. Plus, it feels really great.

Now let me share something that may seem — well — a bit radical. We talk too much!

So much of our relationship connection is based on words. Now, of course, we need to discuss all the realities of life, of running our household, getting the kids to their hockey practice, whether to refinance the mortgage this year — all the business of what I call “Marriage, Inc.” or “Relationship, Inc.”

Well, I’m here to move us beyond that. Why? Because in addition to all that talking...touching strengthens your relationship, and it is relatively easy to do.

In my online couples program, I teach "Touch More Touch Often." It's one small lesson in a program on what I call the Three Keys to Passion. We do extensive work on communication, conflict resolution, recreating romance, betrayal recovery, sexual desire issues and much more. Yet when I ask couples for feedback about what's most important in this extensive program, one of the top three responses is “the importance of touch and the Three Breath Hug” — even though this is one of the most simple things I teach.

So let me ask you again: Did you snuggle your sweetheart today? If not, or even if you consider yourself a champion snuggler, here are a few touch practices you can add to your relationship repertoire

The Three-Breath Hug

Face your partner. Then embrace. My man is 8 inches taller than I, so my face rests on his chest. Wrap your arms around each other deeply and hold fairly tightly. Place your palms flat on your partner's back. Then inhale together, pause, and exhale together. Then repeat twice more.

Hold Hands Everywhere

My husband and I both love physical touch. We hold hands while we walk the dog on the beach. If he’s driving, my hand is on his knee or caressing the back of his neck. We’ve arranged our sectional couch so the length of our bodies press together while we watch a movie — and yes, our fingers or feet are entangled. In other words, we make touch intentional. So I challenge you to acquire cuddle-friendly furniture, schedule a timer to beep to remind you to hug or kiss your sweetheart, and in many different ways make touch intentional, too.

So why does touch feel so good? Think of a newborn baby. Twenty years ago, I had the honor to witness the home birth of my best friend's daughter. As soon as sweet Nora came out of the birth canal, her father whipped off his shirt and held his baby girl to his bare chest. It was pure instinct — skin on skin, heartbeats together — and she was safe, connected, and welcomed to the world outside of the womb.

We are born to touch and be touched. As adults, if we are uncomfortable with touch, this is learned behavior. Perhaps we grew up in a household where loving hugs and kisses goodnight were completely absent, which may have been behavior our parents learned from their parents and so on. Perhaps we were shamed when we sought healthy cuddles. Perhaps we were traumatized by abusive touch. The beautiful thing is, we can re-learn the natural enjoyment of healthy human touch.

Human touch activates our parasympathetic nervous system — this is the calm down system that slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, reduces anxiety and stress and lets the mind know “you are safe, there is no tiger hunting you, relax and let go now.” Some recent research proposes that when we activate the vagus nerve — which acts somewhat like a highway between the head and the heart — this also creates calm and safety. Guess what seems to stimulate the vagus nerve? Activities like touch, synchronized breathing, and placing your hand over your partner’s heart.

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So if you, like too many couples, only tend to touch during sex, it’s time to redefine the role touch plays in your relationship, one Three-Breath Hug at a time.

Note: Portions of this post are also originally published on the Gottman Blog.

Facebook image: MAYA LAB/Shutterstock