Why Birthdays Can Be So Complicated for You and Your Child

Birthdays are usually depicted as happy celebrations with loved ones gathered, a cake, gifts, laughter, and, if it's a child’s birthday, games and balloons. Even when resources are low, as they are for many these days, something—no matter how minimal—is often done. If you look on social media, you see all the photos of these events, with everyone smiling and close. While you may know these pictures capture perhaps the peak moment of the day and do not reflect the full reality, you can feel pulled into seeing them as representations of the standard yours must meet.

However, birthdays are more complicated than that. Here are some of the reasons why what seems like a straightforward celebration of someone may bring all sorts of tensions and conflicts.

1. Your child’s birthday makes the absence of a loved one(s) more palpable and painful—for you and/or your child, especially if no one is prepared for it. Sometimes this begins even a few weeks before the actual date.

2. Your child may have expectations that are not met—and sometimes you aren’t clearly aware of those expectations until they are disappointed when the day comes.

3. Birthdays can stir up deep emotions, such as longing to be recognized. People may have different notions than you or your child about how these loving feelings should be demonstrated.

How to Help

How might you enhance the joy and lessen the pain for your child’s birthday?

This is one of those moments in life and in parenting when, first and foremost, checking in with yourself (and your child) about what you and they feel and want for this particular birthday lays the groundwork for a smoother time. Every birthday may be different. Communication about even the potentially hard topics makes everyone feel more connected and prepared.

Often we hear of a birthday gathering put asunder by a child erupting in tears because something is not going as they envisioned or they were not aware how much they missed someone important to them at this time.

For example, 10-year-old Luke was having a great time at his soccer party until the cake came out and suddenly he began to sob. He was missing his dad who had died about 10 months before but he hadn’t realized how much until the cake was brought out by his mother alone rather than both of his parents. He was inconsolable for a while and everyone else drifted uncomfortably away from the table. Though people re-gathered and the candles were blown out and the yummy cake eventually eaten, the whole mood had dampened.

This might have been avoided by thinking about and talking about it in advance. If you have had a significant loss amongst your loved ones, you can ease the ensuing birthday impact by listening to your own thoughts and feelings about it. Are you longing for the person to be with you? What will you miss with them not being alive this year? And have a similar conversation with your child. You can think with them about how to bring the person who died to their birthday in memory, photos, stories, or by doing something like that person used to do with them.

Avoiding Disappointments

In a similar vein, we suggest you try to articulate for yourself and with your child what their birthday images and wishes are. Maybe this year funds are too limited for a big party so you plan a gathering with two of your child’s closest friends to have cake and play some games in your living room. However, your child had envisioned a whole-class party at their favorite pottery-painting place. If you talk about this, you and your child can find a way to understand and respect each other's ideas even if your plan remains the same.

Help your child to understand that gifts are sometimes given but the presence or absence of presents does not indicate how much they are loved. Some people can or want to give significant presents. Others, due to beliefs, culture, economics, or even time constraints, may not get them a gift or might get something very small. Some people are more able to express loving feelings than others. The message you can give your child is that either way, they are cherished and celebrated in some form.

Even with forethought, tears can happen for you or your child around the time of a birthday. We say that so if someone ends up in tears, you can know it does not mean the birthday was a failure on your part. The important thing is to allow space for all the feelings to be understood and responded to with compassion even if it cannot change what the upset is about. It can be challenging that every year is likely to be different but at the end of the day, we hope to help you all have the outcome be a deeper connection between you and your child.