Friendships: A Profound Part of Life, But Sometimes Not All Roses

Friends provide emotional companionship and a sense of belonging, making life more meaningful and fulfilling. To belong is to matter.² At its core, friendship is about connection. Intellectually challenging friendships keep your brain agile and protect your cognitive function. A good friend will support you when you are in the dumps and make you feel better about yourself³ while decreasing feelings of isolation.⁴

A Friendship Written in the Stars

Source: Paleand Pretty / DeviantArt

Friendships work very much like your garden, apple orchard, or corn field. If you wish to have a garden bursting with flowers or grow a good crop, you need to first clear it of weeds and common garden pests and nourish it with fertilizers, water, and sun.

Weeding

When to start removing weeds and insects:

• When you start taking your friend for granted. In other words, when you or your friend points this out to you. Such as when you “forget” to thank your friend for small acts of kindness or gradually hug your partner less frequently.
• When you notice that you or your friend seem to have a growing number of hostile exchanges. At a restaurant the other day, I overheard the following conversation: “Is that a burrata toast you are having?” “No.” “What is it?” “It’s a ricotta toast.” The woman could have said, “No,” with a smile, “it’s ricotta” instead of just “No,” period, with a scowl. The tone and facial expression also matter. Her “No” sounded and looked hostile. The conversation continued to escalate. When they left, they did not look happy.
• When criticisms rise and praises decline. In good relationships, positive feedback should exceed negative comments. If the needle starts moving toward fault-finding, it indicates troubled waters are ahead.
• When you are silent about some misunderstanding or hurt that your friend has caused you. Unless expressed, it will foment a growing resentment and bitterness on your part and confusion for your friend, who will sense that something is wrong but not know what it is. If you want to preserve this friendship, say what’s bothering you as soon as possible, but say it carefully, with minimum of hostility, at a place that is private, and when both of you have time on your hands.
• When you keep secrets. A secret is like having an abscess oozing pus into your body 24/7. If you do sit on a secret or secrets, you have a choice: watching your relationship deteriorate or opening up about it and repairing the relationship. "Honesty is the best policy" is a cliché, but it happens to be true.

Planting

It is easy to make friends in your youth. As you grow older, some of your friends will move away, others may become sick and debilitated, or alcoholics, or whatever. The sad fact is that you gradually lose friends one by one. The bells are ringing. Time to look for new friends.

There are many places and many ways in which you can meet potential friends. At a party, at a library, or while shopping, do not hesitate to engage in small talk for fear of sounding superficial. Matt Abrahams, a lecturer of strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business⁵ considers small talk the gateway to deeper, richer talk. Research has shown the beneficial effects of small talk on health and well-being. Gillian Sandstrom, at the United Kingdom’s University of Sussex, holds that small talk helps us to feel like we belong and that we matter to other people. It’s like a shot in the arm, boosting our mood.³

Making new friends requires friendliness on your part. So does taking a genuine interest in people and a cheerful countenance. Nobody likes a sourpuss.

Cultivating

Just as a garden needs regular maintenance to thrive, so do relationships. Building strong connections requires the following:

• Active listening—paying full attention, avoiding interruptions, and responding thoughtfully—communicates to your friend that they are seen and understood.
• Being centered and feeling grounded helps you to stay focused on what your friend is saying.
• Foster a supportive and positive environment where trust and respect can grow.
• Openness and honesty are needed at all times, as discussed under "Weeding." Living with hidden resentment and bitterness is very unhealthy.
• As individuals change over time, they must be willing to adapt to new circumstances.
• Sense of humor: Having a good laugh together is the super glue to a healthy relationship. But never make fun of your friend even if it’s just meant as a joke. These things usually backfire.
• Be generous with praise and expressions of gratitude.
• While disagreements may arise occasionally, a strong friendship will navigate differences while preserving mutual appreciation. As Heraclitus, Greek pre-Socratic philosopher said, “it is what opposes that helps” and “from different tones comes the fairest tune.”¹
• Remember that you don’t want your friend or partner to be a carbon copy of you. That would make for some really dull conversations. Value and enjoy the differences.
• Emotional vulnerability and the knowledge that sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs will be met with compassion and kept confidential are important.
• Many people, especially men, have trouble owning up to mistakes and being able to say sorry. Don’t be one of them.
• A good friend serves as a mirror, reflecting both strengths and weaknesses, ultimately promoting self-awareness and personal growth.
• In today’s digital age, friendships often span great distances, allowing people to stay connected across large expanses of time and space. However, while virtual interactions help maintain relationships, they cannot fully replace the depth and warmth of in-person conversations and shared moments.

You may find that, despite faithfully practicing all the suggestions set forth above, some people that you have tried to befriend fail to reciprocate. It is a fool’s errand to keep trying to befriend a person who seemingly resists all your overtures. Stop stewing about it. Let it go and focus your energies on family and friends who respect and love you.

Weeds and pests will grow on their own; flowers, grapes, wheat—not so much. Remember, good friendships require consistent, intentional effort.

A version of this post also appears in the Globe and Mail.