What It Really Means to Be in a Sexless Marriage

Source: Kenny Eliason/UnSplash

Let’s get something out of the way: The phrase “sexless marriage” sounds harsh. It conjures up images of separate bedrooms, awkward silences, and simmering resentment. But in reality, it’s a lot more common as well as more nuanced than that.

Depending on the study, between 10 to 20 percent of married couples in the U.S. report having sex fewer than 10 times a year. That’s the most common threshold for what counts as a “sexless” marriage, though it’s hardly the only one. Some experts prefer the term “low-sex marriage,” and others just prefer…not labeling it at all.

Whatever you call it, one thing is clear: For many couples, the sexual spark dims over time, and that happens for a huge array of reasons. And although friends, colleagues, and students often come to me panicked when this happens, it isn’t always cause for alarm.

Yes, low or no sex in a relationship often signals distress. That said, it doesn’t always mean something is wrong, and both the causes and potential solutions can be as diverse as the couples experiencing them.

What Causes a Sexless Marriage?

Here’s the thing: Most couples don’t wake up one morning and say, “Hey, let’s never have sex again.” Sexlessness usually creeps in gradually. It might start with newborn exhaustion. Then it’s the school years. Then it’s deadlines, aging parents, hormone shifts, medical issues, bad knees, and Netflix’s autoplay feature.

In other words, life happens.

But it’s not just logistics. Psychological factors play a huge role. Studies have shown that depression, anxiety, chronic stress, and unresolved relationship conflict can all tank desire. Hormonal shifts (hello, menopause and low T), medical conditions, and certain medications can also pull the emergency brake on libido.

Sometimes sex drains from a marriage due to both partners losing their desire. Other times it’s a result of mismatched desire: One partner wants sex, while the other’s libido has waned, likely due to any one or more of the issues listed above. If that imbalance isn’t addressed lovingly and honestly, it can breed hurt, shame, or resentment. Before long, both partners start avoiding the topic altogether, and the bedroom becomes a no-touch zone.

Is It a Problem?

The answer entirely depends on how you feel about it.

Some couples are perfectly content in a low- or no-sex relationship. They feel deeply connected, affectionate, and fulfilled in other ways. If that’s you? There’s no need to panic or force yourself into someone else’s arbitrary definition of “normal.”

But some research, including the work of sex researcher Amy Muise, shows that couples who have sex once a week or more report greater well-being, relationship satisfaction, and life satisfaction than couples who have sex less than once a month. It's important to remember, though, that these studies only reflect averages and thus don't apply to each and every couple.

When one partner’s sexlessness is involuntary, however, research suggests they are especially likely to feel unhappy, disconnected, or rejected. This partner might quietly grieve the loss of physical intimacy, while the other feels guilty, shut down, or unsure how to fix it.

The good news? Just because your sex life has stalled doesn’t mean it can’t be restarted. Desire isn’t a light switch; it’s more like a dimmer, and yes, you can turn it back up.

What Research (and Experience) Tells Us About Rekindling Desire

Here are a few things we know help:

1. Break the silence, gently. Many couples avoid the topic of sex because they don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings. But the silence often does more harm than good. Start gently: “I miss being close to you” can open a door that “Why don’t we ever have sex?” slams shut.
2. Normalize the ebb and flow. Sexual frequency naturally changes across a relationship. A dry spell doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human. The key is staying emotionally connected and curious, not panicked.
3. Expand your definition of intimacy. Kissing. Cuddling. Laughing in the kitchen. Taking a walk and holding hands. Intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex, but keeping that physical and emotional closeness alive creates a foundation upon which sex can re-emerge, when and if you both want it to.
4. Get professional support if you need it. Sex therapy isn’t just for couples in crisis. It can help you understand the “why” behind what’s going on and equip you with tools to reconnect. Even one or two sessions can make a major difference.

Sex Essential Reads

Patriarchy, Religion, and the Myth of “Real Sex”

Could Your Best Sex Actually Be a Red Flag?

The Bottom Line

A sexless marriage isn’t a failed marriage. It’s a relationship that may need a little extra care, intention, and sometimes, a shift in perspective.

For some couples, desire comes roaring back with the right conversation, a new mindset, or just a weekend away from the kids. For others, reconnecting might take time as well as some guided exploration into the underlying emotional dynamics of the relationship. And for a few, it might mean redefining what intimacy looks like altogether.

What matters most isn’t how often you’re having sex. It’s whether you and your partner feel seen, wanted, and valued in whatever way feels authentic to you.

So if your marriage is feeling less steamy than it used to, don’t freak out. Get curious. Get talking. And know that you’re not alone.

And if you’re looking for a little inspiration to get back on top….well, you know where to find me.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: Pixpan_creative/Shutterstock