Why We Get in Our Own Way and What to Do About It

Why do we sometimes lose sight of our goals, hold ourselves back, play small, or limit our own success?

It can look like holding onto the dream of writing your own book but constantly telling yourself it’s not the right time. Or like staying in a familiar work environment or a bad relationship, even though you imagine something better. It can look like downplaying or not sharing your achievements for fear of standing out.

Many of us have dreamed of pursuing big, bold goals, only to find ourselves hesitating, procrastinating, or even abandoning the dreams altogether.

So often, we get in our own way.

Self-sabotage happens when we engage in a behaviour that undermines our goals, progress, success, or well-being. Sometimes we consciously engage in such behaviours, other times it is unconscious. The reality is that every behaviour serves a purpose, even if it is working against us.

There are both internal and external forces behind self-sabotage and the tendency to play small.

External Pressures Influencing Self-Sabotage

A strong force behind some of our self-sabotaging behaviour and playing small is external pressure. We receive so many messages about what is acceptable when it comes to ambition and success. We want to be successful, but not too successful. Dream big, but not too big. Celebrate your wins, but not too loudly.

There’s a tendency in our culture to criticize or cut down those who stand out, achieve too much, or rise too high. The phenomenon is known as tall poppy syndrome.

As social beings, we instinctively want to feel accepted within a group. We begin to hold ourselves back and dim our light for fear of standing out. We worry that if we step out too boldly, someone might have an opinion. We fear being criticized, judged, or excluded, so we choose to play small.

But in protecting ourselves, we miss out on our own greatness. We miss out on our true potential and what’s available to us. Over time, we can be left feeling frustrated, dissatisfied, and unfulfilled.

It's worth noting that the loudest criticism rarely comes from those ahead of us. More often, it’s the people on the sidelines, those who are not leaning into their own skills, talents, and gifts, who may feel uncomfortable seeing others bravely striving toward their goals.

Internal Factors Behind Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is often a protective response to fear, judgment, and uncertainty. Self-sabotaging behaviours are often rooted in our need to feel safe or in control.

Some common internal reasons behind self-sabotage:

• The need for control
• Comfort in the familiar
• Low self-esteem or self-worth
• Fear of failure
• Fear of judgment
• Fear of success or greatness.

When we step into uncertainty, whether it’s a new role or creative project, or put ourselves out there in some way, the outcome feels unpredictable. To manage the risk, we sometimes choose to not fully try; we procrastinate or even give up. That way, if things don’t work out, we feel less like a failure.

While these tendencies help us feel safe in the short term, they also cost us opportunities, growth, and fulfillment in the long run.

Moving Beyond Self-Sabotage and Stepping into Your Potential

Here are some starting points for overcoming internal and external drivers behind self-sabotage:

Surround yourself with the right supporters. Find those who believe in your potential, lift you up, cheer you on, and genuinely celebrate your growth, rather than those who limit your dreams.

Notice your go-to excuses. We all have familiar stories we tell ourselves: “It’s not the right time,” “It probably wouldn’t work.” “I’m not ready.” Get curious about such internal narratives and the stories you tell yourself. Are they true, or are they protective stories you’ve rehearsed into beliefs? Naming them is the first step to letting them go.

Reclaim your belief in your capability. Self-sabotage thrives when we overestimate the challenges ahead and underestimate our ability to figure things out. Think about your gifts, skills, and talents. Lean into the truth that you can do great things.

Practice micro-bravery. You need only a spark of courage to step boldly into opportunity and toward what matters to you. There’s never that imagibed “perfect” time. The right time to go for your goals is when you decide it is.

Allow hope. Don't be afraid to get your hopes up. Rather than protect yourself by setting low expectations, allow yourself to hope and to believe in your potential. You are worthy of your big, bold, audacious goals and well-equipped to handle whatever comes with pursuing them.

So, what big, bold thing are you holding back on? Where in your life are you playing it safe? Where are you choosing safety over possibility?

Taking the leap of going back to school, starting a business, leaving an unfulfilling situation, or allowing yourself to dream again always requires courage. Anything that is really worth doing will require you to choose to be brave.

My invitation to you is to notice when you’re holding yourself back, then ask yourself: What would happen if I took that brave, bold step and everything worked out?