Help Children Build Resilience by Supporting, Not Rescuing

While many think of resiliency as getting stronger, tougher, grittier, or being less impacted by emotions and experiences, I like to think about resiliency as being able to be okay. It is holding the steadfast belief that we can and will navigate the hard parts of our lives, no matter what.

Thankfully, there is significant evidence to support the idea that resiliency can be taught, fostered, and cultivated. The difference between someone who gives up and someone who gets up when life hits has more to do with their upbringing than biology. This understanding is extremely important for parents and supporters as it shows that we have the potential to positively influence our child’s capacity to persist and thrive despite difficult experiences.

Why Resiliency Matters

We will inevitably face challenges, difficulties, and uncertainties in life. As parents and supporters, our goal is not to eliminate these challenges for our children but to equip them with the skills to navigate adversity effectively. The reality is that we won't always be there to shield them from every setback, heartache, or tough experience, but we can teach them the skills of how to think and act so they can protect themselves.

In her book Resiliency: What We Have Learned, resiliency researcher Bonnie Benard identified that children who are resilient excel in four key areas:

• Social competence (ability to interact effectively with others)
• Problem solving (just-in-time ability to think and act)
• Self-efficacy (personal confidence in their capacity to deal with difficult challenges)
• Sense of purpose, hope, and meaning (optimism about the future)

Three Factors That Affect Resilience

CAMH outlines how a child’s ability to be resilient is shaped by a mix of factors—their individual characteristics, the characteristics of their family systems, and the characteristics of their broader surroundings and environments.

Individual factors – Every child has a unique combination of genetics, personal history, and circumstances that make up who they are. Factors such as temperament, knowledge, learning strengths, how they express their emotions, self-concept, ways of thinking, adaptive skills, and social skills can influence resilience.

Family factors – Resilience in children is shaped by their attachments to significant adults in their lives, family communication, family stability, parenting practices, sibling dynamics, parental well-being, and support outside the family.

Environmental factors – The physical and social environments in which children live can influence their resilience—including factors such as their sense of belonging and safety, social conditions, access to resources, and involvement in the home, school, and community.

Within each of these areas, there are protective factors that increase one’s capacity for resiliency and risk factors that diminish one’s capacity for resiliency. Protective factors—such as a strong relationship with a caring adult, emotional regulation skills, age-appropriate expectations in the home, and opportunities for meaningful participation at school and in the community—provide a buffer from adversity, while risk factors—such as low self-esteem, an inconsistent caregiver, a lack of positive peer relationships, or exposure to discrimination or unsafe conditions—can hinder resilience. What is promising is that research suggests that even a few strong protective factors can have a powerful impact and help children flourish and thrive.

The Difference Between Being a Supporter and Being a Rescuer

Understanding these resilience-building factors can help us recognize our role in supporting our children as they navigate the world. One common question parents and caregivers ask is: Does my child have to go through hard times to learn how to be resilient? Ideally, children can learn a lot about resiliency vicariously through stories and role models, yet real-life challenges are what provide opportunities to practice problem-solving, persistence, and emotional regulation.

Parenting approaches like “helicopter parenting” or “snowplow parenting” (also known as “lawnmower parenting”) can unintentionally prevent children from developing essential coping skills. While helicopter parents circle around the child, ready to jump in at the first sign of difficulty, snowplow parents clear a perfect path for their child, making it so the child is completely unaware there was even a problem to begin with. This can create a child who struggles with problem-solving, decision-making, and learning from their mistakes.

Shielding them from all obstacles, discomfort, and consequences can leave them unprepared for the challenges they will inevitably have to navigate in the future. Imagine if their first test of resilience happens when they’re older, away from home, under multiple new stressors, and when the stakes are higher. This is not about wishing hardship on our children but recognizing the importance of allowing them to encounter age-appropriate struggles while knowing they have support.

Resilience Essential Reads

How True Growth Transforms Your World

The Unexpected Joy of Being Bad at Something

It’s important to highlight the difference between risk and danger here. If a situation involves a genuine threat requiring adult intervention, it’s our job to protect. However, within a safe and supportive environment, we can allow them to take manageable risks that help them grow and learn. For example, while resolving a disagreement with a friend might feel uncomfortable, it’s likely not dangerous. Encouraging them to navigate conflicts on their own helps them build communication skills, express their feelings, and problem-solve. Similarly, if a child feels anxious at school and we pick them up every time this happens, we are rescuing. When we equip them with strategies to navigate their anxiety, we are supporting.

As we watch our children navigate the world, it can be tempting to step in and save or rescue them from falling or failing. It takes courage on our part as adults to allow space for their struggles. The next time you feel the urge to do something for your child that they can do themselves or to shield them from a setback, take a moment to pause. In that pause, hold space for courage—both your own and your child’s. Let them try something new, take a risk, face discomfort, and develop the skills they need to navigate their world independently.

Final Thoughts

Resiliency is not a single skill—it is a constellation of traits, skills, thoughts, and behaviours that we acquire through our lived experience. It is something that can be developed and nurtured.

Life will naturally provide challenges, trials, and hardships, and as parents and supporters, our role is not to clear every obstacle but to walk alongside them as they learn to navigate difficulties with confidence and adaptability. Believing in their capacity for resiliency and allowing them to face manageable struggles in everyday situations while the stakes are still low not only supports them in the present but empowers them to bravely grow into their big, bright future.