3 Barriers That Get in the Way of Living a Resilient Life

Resilience isn’t a fixed trait or state; it’s a constellation of skills, attitudes, and behaviors that allow us to persist and thrive through adversity. As humans, our resilience naturally ebbs and flows depending on our circumstances. Some days, we might feel brave and bold enough to face the heavy and hard parts of life, while on other days, resilience may feel out of reach, and we struggle to tackle life’s challenges.

Similarly, there may be certain areas of life where we feel wildly resilient and others where we feel far less so. For example, you might handle setbacks at work with confidence and ease yet struggle with navigating your personal relationships. Maybe you find that you are patient and adaptable when it comes to parenting but feel overwhelmed when managing your own health. Perhaps there are some areas where you may have no choice but to be more resilient than you might want to be because of your circumstances and lived experience.

Among the many obstacles we face on any given day, there are three common barriers that tend to get in the way of everyday resilience: stress, fear, and stigma. When stress, fear, and stigma take hold, they can challenge our sense of self and diminish our inner resources.

I explore these barriers more thoroughly in my book Calm Within the Storm: A Pathway to Everyday Resiliency, but let’s take a look at them together here so we can begin to chart a new path forward.

Stress

We are born with a biological survival system that is pre-programmed to respond to any environmental or psychological threat presented to us. It is our first line of defense to protect us—to keep us safe and alive. This stress system allowed our ancestors to survive potential animal attacks, food shortages, and deadly weather conditions.

Today, we are using this same system to meet deadlines, have difficult conversations, and deal with traffic! The body can’t differentiate between a tiger and a non-life-threatening stressor, and in today’s world, we are constantly bombarded with numerous stressors, all triggering the same fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

While stress can be healthy for mobilizing us into action, many people are being pushed beyond an optimal level of stress and into a state of distress. This affects us on a biological, physical, emotional, and cognitive level and leaves us feeling less capable and less resourceful. Experiencing high levels of cortisol can overwhelm the nervous system and diminish our capacity to cope.

Stress is an inevitable and necessary part of our survival and growth. In my book Stress Wisely: How to Be Well in an Unwell World, I write about how simply being in hard times or situations doesn’t automatically make us better at managing stress: “It’s what we do before, during, and after the experience that fosters and strengthens our resolve and capacity” (Hanley-Dafoe, 2023). When we learn to work with stress rather than against it, we can reclaim our sense of agency and control and take meaningful steps forward.

Fear

Fear is another barrier that gets in the way of people being able to show up, take on challenges, and do hard things. As one of our most primitive human emotions, fear played a crucial role in our ancestors’ survival, alerting them to potential dangers. Fear, whether triggered by real or imagined threats, is ultimately a survival mechanism—it exists to keep us safe, not to hold us back.

Yet, when we let fear go unacknowledged and unchecked in our minds, it can feel all-consuming. It can prevent us from pursuing opportunities, taking smart risks, and living to our fullest potential. It’s common for people to play it safe and choose comfort over challenge, but when we bring our fears into the light and confront them with logic, they lose their grip on us.

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Being resilient doesn’t mean never feeling fear or never having moments of being afraid. Most things worth doing require us to choose bravery. It is in these moments that we grow and see what we’re truly capable of. So much of what we want is on the other side of fear—just think about all the opportunities and experiences that have unfolded in your life because you took that first step.

Stigma

Stigma, by definition, is a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. Many areas of stigmatization exist today: mental health, physical health, family status, race, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, employment, age, and more. The weight of stigma is destructive, limiting not only how we see ourselves but also how we move through the world. It can hold us back from embracing our full potential.

When we internalize these external beliefs as our own truth, our resilience and sense of self-worth begin to erode. If we leave these narratives unchecked, they can quietly shape our decisions, confidence, and ability to move forward. However, when we take ownership of our story, we take back our power. Shame loses its grip, and instead of fighting ourselves, we start fighting for ourselves.

What are some old narratives, labels, or limiting beliefs that you might be carrying around that might not be serving you anymore? To move past stigma doesn’t mean ignoring the challenges it presents but rather working with it in a way that creates space for a new narrative.

Final Thoughts

Being resilient doesn’t mean never experiencing stress, being fearless, or never being impacted by the beliefs of the outside world. It means acknowledging the challenges, giving ourselves grace, and recognizing that labels and setbacks don’t define us. It’s about finding the next right step to keep going. Despite the fear, stressors, and limiting beliefs placed upon us, we can persist.

When we bring awareness to the barriers that can hold us back, we give ourselves the opportunity to create a new path forward and strengthen the belief that no matter what comes our way, we will be OK.