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Key points
- Traditional gender norms still associate masculinity with income generation and job status.
- Men often feel pressure to conform to traditional masculinity at the cost of their own emotional health.
- Finding a community of support is key to pushing back on traditional gender norms.
- We need to change the ways we speak to boys to avoid perpetuating harmful gender norms in the future.
When are you going to become a real man?
My friend Jim recently shared a story with me. When he was fresh out of college, Jim wasn’t sure what he wanted to do for work. He didn’t have any specific professional ambition, but of course, he had to take care of himself. So, he took the first job offer he had—selling cable TV door-to-door. And he liked this job. He liked being outside, away from an office. He liked talking to people. He liked the flexibility the job offered. And the job paid enough for him to make ends meet. Jim was content.
Eventually, Jim met a girl. They started to date, and there was talk of marriage. Jim remembers very clearly the first time he met his future father-in-law, and he described it to me. “When he heard what I did for a living, he struggled to hide his disappointment. A brief, almost imperceptible scoff escaped his lips. Though subtle, the message it sent was clear. The scoff clearly posed the question: “When are you going to get a real job and become a real man?”
Jim understood all the implications of that scoff. His girlfriend’s father was concerned that Jim could not provide for his daughter and potential grandkids on such a small salary. The underlying assumption was that a real man earned enough money to provide for his family. And because Jim wasn’t a high earner, he was not a real man.
Jim explained, “I told him that I didn’t wish to get up early, put on a tie, and go into an office for work. But that is precisely what I was doing within a year of that embarrassing encounter. My goals no longer centered around flexibility or happiness but around pay increases and promotions.”
Years later, the costs of following someone else’s definition of what it took to be a “real man” became clear to Jim. He explained, “Like so many other people, I ended up in a transactional marriage. I was focused on work, disconnected from my kids, and honestly disconnected from life in general. Which was ironic since so many people around me would have described my career as successful. And all I kept thinking was—if this is what success is, then why does it feel so bad?”
This story did not surprise me; I’ve heard dozens of stories very much like this one. Even though many might think America has risen above traditional gender roles, there are many lingering norms that still affect our behaviors. One of those norms is that a man’s job is to financially “provide” for his family. By that logic, the best way to provide for one’s family is to earn as much money as possible, and “success” for men is measured in dollars and stock options. A man can feel disconnected from family, unhappy, alone, stressed, and trapped—and still be seen as “successful” by others.
As Jim reflected on his life’s trajectory years later, he thought it all came down to shame. “We are taught from a very young age that weakness is shameful. To admit you’re lonely, to admit you feel distant from your kids, to admit you’re not doing well at work—all of this leads to weakness. And that essentially leads to shame. It all comes down to shame.”
This sort of shame prevents men from making changes that could bring them closer to what they might want most. And it’s reinforced by a set of societal rules which dictate that, to be a man, one has to be tough, unemotional, successful, and silent about his suffering.
Let’s be honest: It can be easier to shoulder your own disappointment, frustration, and grief when everyone around you sees you as a success. It is often harder to be yourself if everyone sees you as a failure.
Jim concluded, “So many men are so deeply unhappy that they turn to drinking or working or weed to numb that pain. Traditional masculinity has a very high cost.”
The Jim from my story is Jim Young, author of Expansive Intimacy: How “Tough Guys” Defeat Burnout. And his story, thankfully, has a happy ending. Jim did experience several painful years, and his marriage ended in divorce. But he has since changed careers, identified a healthy work-life balance, and learned the emotional skills he needed to build stronger relationships with his kids and his new partner. Now he truly feels success—not because of the amount of money that he makes, but because he feels fulfilled in his relationships, because he can finally stop performing masculinity and finally be true to himself.
Jim’s story mirrors the research I did for Equal Partners. When I asked men living as equal partners in their homes what their motivation was, one common response was: Now I can be my own genuine self with my family. The men I interviewed aren’t loved for the amount of money they earn or because of their job title. And that, in itself, is freeing.
A community of support
I asked Jim: Looking back, what could have changed your trajectory? What could have prevented you from buying into traditional masculinity and feeling that shame—and allowed you to be your own true self from the beginning?
At the top of Jim’s list was community. He explained, “I didn’t know anyone like me back then. I didn’t have a role model of a man who rejected the corporate ladder to spend time with family, who defined ‘providing’ for your family as something more than financial.”
Jim isn’t alone. Matthew, whom I interviewed for Equal Partners, told me a similar story. His wife is a physician and makes plenty of money for the family. But with two small kids, what they really needed was his time. So, Matthew left his job to be a stay-at-home dad. It worked great for their nuclear family. The problem was, it didn’t work for their extended family.
When Matthew’s sister-in-law decided to quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom, the family rallied around her with support. But when Matthew did the same, there was no support. Instead, he was chided for being “lazy.”
Matthew went back to full-time work a few years later. He still feels sad about that decision.
It is hard to do something different than the norm; it can feel awkward and uncomfortable—or, as Jim would say, shameful. Our social network can either exacerbate that shame, as in Matthew’s story, or our social network can help us dismiss that shame and help us move forward.
Where do we go from here?
If you are a man looking for a community to help you reject traditional masculinity, try reaching out to others; you are most certainly not alone. There are many online and in-person groups that you might find helpful.
If you are an ally who wants to support men in rejecting traditional masculinity, I suggest you start by aligning your actions with your values. We need to have supportive words for men who choose a lower-paying career path, pursue a career in caregiving, or prioritize family over income. We need to support men who demonstrate “providing for my family” in ways other than earning a paycheck.
We also need to change the words we use with boys.
I draw a parallel to the way we now speak to girls compared to the way we spoke to girls in the past. Parents now tuck their daughters in at night with Bedtime Stories for Rebel Girls. We tell girls explicitly: It doesn’t matter what society thinks about you—we know you can be whoever you want. We know you can achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. Don’t let traditional gender norms get in the way of your ambition. Be who you want to be. We’ll always love you no matter what.
This message is great. And after decades of repetition, it is finally taking root. But now, we need to be explicit to boys, too.
The words are a little different, but it is essentially the same message. We need to stop judging men based on the amount of money they earn, the number of hours they work, their title, or the kind of car they drive. We need to tell our sons, brothers, friends, nephews, uncles, and fathers: It doesn’t matter what society thinks about you—we know you can be whoever you want. Your salary or job does not define who you are—nor does it define your masculinity. Don’t let traditional gender norms determine how you are going to live your life. Be who you want to be. We’ll always love you, no matter what.
