When Regret Finds Its Voice

Source: Ploscar/Pixabay

In my previous post, I wrote about my client Dennis’s painful memories of his incendiary response to a crisis that his son, Luke, was in the midst of during high school. We used a series of questions to spark a transformation of those memories into an opportunity for insight, growth, and a healthier relationship with his now college-bound son.

However, while self-awareness is an important step on the pathway towards healing, other steps deserve to be taken as well. Self-awareness by itself does not improve relationships—but acting on that self-awareness can.

To set that process into motion, Dennis agreed with me that it was time to revisit with Luke that harrowing time and see what they could accomplish together. With this in mind, they conjointly met with me in my office in an effort to piece things together. Our conversation went something like this:

Dennis: "I wanted to use our time together to talk about something I still feel very bad about."

Luke: "Which is?"

D: "My reaction when we got the call from the school about your selling Adderall to other students."

L: "Dad… that’s in the past. We don’t need to go over that."

D: "I know it’s in the past, and I know that you got past it, that we all got past it. But it still haunts me. I still feel bad about it."

Silence

Dr. Sachs (me): "What are you thinking, Luke?"

L: "I’m thinking that I still feel very embarrassed about what happened, too. It was a dumb thing to do, and I don’t know what was going through my head. I still can’t believe I did that."

D: I guess that’s part of why I feel bad, Luke. Instead of helping you figure out what was going through your head, I just blew up at you. And I said some terrible things. I just wanted you to stop doing what you were doing—but I wasn’t doing anything to help you figure out why you were doing what you were doing. That’s not being a very good father."

L: "Well, I wasn’t being a very good son."

D: "I know. But that’s not an excuse for me to treat you like I did. And I want to apologize."

L: "I feel like I should apologize, too."

D: "But let’s start with my apology. I’m very sorry for acting the way I did. In my conversations with Dr. Sachs, I’ve realized that there was a lot of fear behind my anger—fear about who you were becoming, fear about what you were doing, fear that you were going to be like your Uncle Will. And I let my fear overwhelm me—it turned into rage, and I turned that rage against you. I’m still disappointed in myself."

Silence

Dr. S.: "What are you thinking, Luke?"

Luke: (tearful) "I’m thinking that I’m disappointed in myself, too. I disappointed you and Mom, and I made everybody worry about me, and I hated myself for that. I guess I still do…"

Silence

Dr. S.: "Dennis, what do you want to say to Luke?"

D: (tearful) "That I love you. That I lost it. That I didn’t mean the things I said. That I love you so much and was afraid you were going to wind up in jail and I was going to lose you. I didn’t know how much terror was beneath my anger at you and I let it get the best of me."

L: "I know you love me, Dad. And I was pretty terrified back then, too. I was a terrible student, the Adderall wasn’t helping, anyway, and I figured I might as well sell a few and make some money, since it wasn’t doing me any good."

D: "I shouldn’t have blown up."

L: "I don’t know, Dad. Maybe you needed to."

D: "No, I didn’t. Maybe I needed to actually sit down and talk with you and try to understand you, rather than terrorize you."

Silence

L: (very softly) "I guess that would have helped."

D: "I should have been there for you then. I am trying to be here for you now."

L: "I know, Dad, I know."

Dennis, Luke, and I then spent some time discussing their shared tendency to respond to their mistakes with self-hatred, rather than self-examination.

Their touching conversation demonstrates how relational wounds from the past can be healed in the present when regret is experienced, rather than repressed, which opens the door to self-acceptance rather than self-punishment.

Sometimes, growth is more likely to come about not from having perfect answers, but from asking, and reflecting upon, better questions.