Shame
Fathers: Looking Back Without Looking Away
When fathers cross the bridge from self-criticism to self-awareness.
Posted June 25, 2026 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Regret can be an opportunity to practice greater compassion and presence rather than an indication of failure.
- Misunderstood regret can show up as shame, which can fuel depression, anger, and emotional distancing in men.
- Many fathers struggle to admit their mistakes, making it difficult for them to reap the benefits of regret.
In my recent posts, we have been discussing the psychological value of fathers encountering and experiencing regret as a way of breaking old and unhelpful parenting patterns and laying the groundwork for new and more constructive ones, particularly as their children leave home and establish lives as independent adults.
One thing that I have noticed in my years as a family psychologist is that it is not at all uncommon for me to hear mothers (often ruefully) ask themselves if they have been good enough parents to their children. But it is far less common for me to hear fathers ask themselves the same question.
Differences in Processing Regret Between Men and Women
There are many ways to explain this discrepancy, but, in general, my sense is that men have greater difficulty acknowledging and expressing regret than women do.
Much of this has to do with how males are socialized. For example, most boys are taught from an early age that being a man means being perpetually decisive, effective, and in control, and avoiding any indication of appearing weak, inadequate, or insufficient.
Girls, more than boys, are encouraged to examine themselves and their interpersonal interactions with more attentiveness and, as a result, tend to be more comfortable when it comes to assessing not only their personal strengths, but also their liabilities. And women are generally given more permission than men to acknowledge the ways in which they have been hurtful to others and to apologize (in fact, sometimes overly encouraged to apologize).
Boys, however, are typically discouraged from plumbing emotional and interpersonal depths and, thus, tend to be less comfortable with self-reflection and the psychological landscape that is revealed by that reflection. They are instructed to muscle their way through the inescapable ups and downs of close relationships; sidestep or ignore their own contribution to relational conflicts; look forward, not back; and stay strong, immutable, and impenetrable.
But the nature of regret is that it throws a bright spotlight on our failings and frailties, our vulnerabilities and susceptibilities—the very things that males are trained to minimize or altogether disregard. So remorse and contrition become difficult to achieve, which neutralizes and negates the healing powers of regret.
The fact that many men struggle to own up to regret does not mean that they do not experience it, however. What it means is that they are likely to process it differently than women do, and that it may express itself in confusing, and sometimes contradictory, ways.
The irritability, depression, withdrawal, anger, or numbness that men often bring to their family life often strikes me as an indication of regret that is being suppressed and detoured, eventually exposing itself in a masked (and unhelpful) form.
A father might begin with the feeling of, “I wish I had done that differently,” quickly shift to “I should have done that differently,” then to “What’s wrong with me that I didn’t do that differently?” and conclude with, “I am a fundamentally awful father.”
In a way, it is not the fear of regret that stymies many men; it is the fear of the shame that may devour them were they to recognize that regret.
This sequence, which can happen in nano-seconds, might play out in countless counterproductive ways. A father may direct anger at himself (which can be the source of his depression) and/or direct anger at his child (which can lead to alienation and estrangement).
He might distance himself to protect his child from that anger and/or to protect himself from that anger being turned painfully inward. He might numb himself (with substances, social media, dangerous or self-destructive hobbies, sexual promiscuity, expensive pursuits, pornography, etc.) to dull the psychological pain that is provoked by regret.
Recognizing Regret as an Opportunity for Growth
In my work with men, I coach them to think about regret not as an indictment—an excuse to brutally persecute themselves for their mistakes—but as an invitation to become more compassionate with, and more fully present to, themselves and their children.
Realizing that we are not the person we thought we were is always unsettling, but that difficult realization is a necessary precursor to becoming the person we still have a chance to be.
