When Fathers Begin to See the Light

Source: BabetteLYannacey/Pixabay

If you go to sleep at night with your bedroom shades down, wake up on a sun-filled summer morning at 8 a.m., get out of bed, and abruptly pull the shades open, your eyes may be temporarily overcome by the intensity of the daylight that suddenly enters the room.

If you go to sleep with your bedroom shades up and wake up on a sun-filled morning at 8 a.m., your eyes will not be blinded by the intensity of daylight that has been entering he room, even though the amount of light pouring in is the same as it was if the shades were down all night. It’s simply that your eyes will have gradually been adjusting to the incremental increase in daylight all along.

Awakening to Fatherhood

We have been discussing the importance of fathers awakening to the kind of dad that they have been, particularly as their children become young adults. In my conversations with fathers, I have seen that awakening take place in many ways and at many times.

Sometimes it is akin to sleeping with the shades down—the abrupt pulling up of the shades is stunning, as darkness suddenly evaporates in a blaze of brightness. Sometimes it is akin to sleeping with the shades up—slowly, progressively, the darkness is taken over by illumination.

But either way, whether it is bit-by-bit or more like a bolt of lightning, the psychological room becomes aglow in a different and more radiant way, and blind spots that previously occluded vision give way to visionary revelation.

For some fathers, it is the impending departure of their child that prompts them to realize that the clock cannot be turned back, to accept the fact that energy that was invested in work or recreation or other pursuits for the past couple of decades cannot be magically reclaimed and re-invested in establishing a closer bond with their young adult—the ship of emerging adulthood is already on its way out of the harbor, and is unlikely to return.

For some fathers, it is their own impending departure that prompts them to realize that time is precious—and treacherous. An accident or an illness provides an unmistakable and unsettling brush with mortality and reminds them that while love may last forever, no one lives forever.

In some families, a painful estrangement has set in between a father and an adult child—hurt is so deep that relationships are not just strained or shriveled, but actually severed. Texts, emails, and phone calls are not responded to, visits don’t take place, and there is a thunderous silence, with literally no contact at all.

In other families, fathers and young adults have quietly, subtly drifted apart from each other over the years—no singular event has precipitated the gulf, no particular crisis has opened and widened the relational gap. It’s just that the emotional cord that connects the generations has not been carefully tended to, and, as a result, has slowly dissolved.

Opportunities for Reconnection

However and whenever an awakening takes place, it can be a terribly disquieting experience for a parent, and initially prompt deep feelings of remorse, contrition, and sorrow.

Yet, at the same time, it is an opportunity to deepen and rejuvenate paternal engagement—to enrich a parent-child linkage that may have atrophied or grown stale over time, to heal a recent or long-standing rupture that may have torn a hole in the family fabric, or just to (perhaps for the first time) become better acquainted with a son or daughter who is no longer the child or adolescent that he or she used to be.

At some point during the journey of paternity, fathers must awaken to what is, or has been, missing between them and their children. They may awaken slowly or quickly, earlier or later, unexpectedly or predictably. But waking up lays the groundwork for an intergenerational relationship characterized by mutual growth and healing, and the capacity for members of both generations to discover and draw from a hitherto invisible reservoir of appreciation, fondness, and respect.