Father Time: How Dads Can Support Young Adults' Growth and Autonomy

Source: Pixabay/Photogi

How are men’s relationships with their fathers transformed when they become fathers themselves? This was the focus of my doctoral dissertation more than 40 years ago. I joke that conducting my literature search was actually quite a breeze, because at the time, there was scant research on the topic of men and fatherhood.

Fortunately, that has all changed, and the role of the father in raising healthy children is now acknowledged to be of immeasurable importance.

However, much of the focus on how valuable fathers are to children has been devoted to the earlier stages of life—infancy, childhood, and adolescence. There has been little exploration of the importance of fathers during young adulthood, when adolescents are emerging as young adults and preparing to leave the nest.

This post, and several that follow on the same theme, will be devoted to the ways in which fathers can support their young adult children’s growth and autonomy, and raise the odds that a successful departure will take place.

The first step, and perhaps the most fundamental, is for you to take the time to reflect upon the father you have been up until this point. This will help you to lay the groundwork for continuing to interact in the way that you have if it remains aligned with promoting your child’s ongoing development, and/or to make some mid-course corrections that are more congruent with the stage of life that your child (and you) have now arrived at.

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself in an effort to better recognize the level of “daddiness” that your children have experienced over the years:

1. To what extent have I been emotionally available, making it clear to my children that I am there not only to celebrate their triumphs but also to support them in their defeats?
2. To what extent have I listened to what is on their mind, whether or not I agree with what they have had to say, and whether or not what they had to say was of intrinsic interest to me?
3. To what extent have I over-protected them from disappointment, depriving them of the capacity to summon their resources in a way that enables them to learn to handle adversity?
4. To what extent have I under-protected them, leaving them to flounder under the guise of their “learning lessons” that they might not be ready to learn, and/or might not yet be capable of learning?
5. How much quantity time have I spent with my children over the years, and what was the quality of that time? How much of it was engaged and interested versus distracted and preoccupied?
6. To what extent did I invest myself in teaching them about the enduring virtues and values that are important to me and to others, such as honesty, respect, generosity, and kindness?
7. Did I encourage them to follow pursuits that they were interested in or to follow pursuits that were more interesting and important to me than to them?
8. Was I willing to set appropriate boundaries and establish rules and expectations regarding what was and was not acceptable behavior?
9. Did I provide them with opportunities to learn how to become independent, thereby developing self-respect, by teaching them essential life skills, such as financial literacy, problem-solving and basic household tasks?
10. Did I adjust the ways in which I prefer to nurture in ways that matched my children’s nature, or did I rely upon a “one-size-fits-all” approach?

Subsequent posts will build on these questions and help you fine-tune the kind of father you have been in the past in the service of becoming the father your young adult needs in the present and future.