4 Downsides of Using Perfectionism to Avoid Rejection

Hand holding a cup that says "good enough" on it

Source: Ksenia Makagonova / Unsplash

As a recovering perfectionist, I've come to understand the unique challenges that perfectionism presents for individuals with ADHD. While striving for excellence is a common, noble aspiration, those of us with ADHD often find ourselves in a tug-of-war with perfectionism that can feel overwhelming.

Why Are We Prone to Perfectionism?

One reason we may fall into perfectionism is the societal idealization of the well-rounded, “normal,” neurotypical person. In contrast, the ADHD brain often experiences peaks and valleys regarding strengths and challenges. This discrepancy leads to significant negative feedback that can be hard to bear.

Additionally, we often have a clear picture of what others expect from us, but the reality is that executive function challenges can make it nearly impossible to meet these ideals. To compound this, many individuals with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, making criticism feel especially painful. As a result, we may push ourselves to achieve perfection to stave off judgment and maintain our sense of self-worth (Mutti-Driscoll, 2024).

The Downsides of Perfectionism

However, pursuing perfection comes with its own set of drawbacks:

1. The Illusion of Perfection: As Brené Brown (2010) points out, perfection is an unattainable goal. When we inevitably fall short of these lofty standards, it can lead to discouragement and feelings of failure.
2. Avoiding Joyful Activities: Perfectionism can prevent us from fully engaging in hobbies or interests we might enjoy. We often abandon activities if we aren't immediately good at them, missing out on potential joy and fulfillment.
3. Focusing on Flaws Instead of Strengths: In our quest to "fix" ourselves, we may devote too much energy to our weaknesses while overlooking our unique strengths. For instance, I’ve spent countless hours trying to become the “perfect woman” in areas like cooking, cleaning, and parenting, only to realize that my actual, truly epic achievement is making my children laugh—something that doesn’t require perfection!
4. Authenticity Matters: Sari Solden and Michelle Frank (2016), authors of A Radical Guide For Women with ADHD, emphasize that authenticity is vital for our mental well-being. We are more likely to feel empty when constantly striving to meet external expectations. Our brains require authenticity to generate adequate dopamine, and trying to fit a mold only depletes our willpower, leading to disappointment.

Strategies to Combat Perfectionism

So, how can we break free from the perfectionism trap?

• Embrace Your True Self: Start by accepting that being a little messy is okay. Remember, I never judge anyone else's home—so why should I hold myself to impossible standards?
• Engage in New Experiences: Try your hand at things you might not excel in and embrace the discomfort of learning. For instance, I recently took up dancing and rollerblading to enjoy the process of learning rather than just the outcome.
• Adopt a “Good Enough” Mentality: Aim to do things satisfactorily and then allow yourself to walk away. This practice frees you from the burden of perfection.
• Set Timers for Perfectionistic Tasks and Practice Letting Them Go: If you are caught in perfectionistic tendencies, set a Pomodoro timer for a short period and commit to stepping away once the time is up. I’ve done this for my writing, and it’s a game-changer!
• Practice Self-Compassion: Remember that slipping back into perfectionistic thinking is part of the journey. Even as we work toward being less perfectionistic, we must be kind to ourselves and recognize that progress will not always be linear. Some days, our inner critic will be more hypercritical than others.

In conclusion, while overcoming perfectionism can be challenging, we must remember that we are all a work in progress. Embracing our imperfections allows us to live more authentically and brings greater joy and satisfaction. So, the next time you feel the urge to strive for perfection, try to pause and remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect, just like everyone else.