Toxic People Are Sometimes Hard to See

Researchers from the University of Copenhagen, Ulm University, and the University of Koblenz-Landau conducted a series of studies with more than 2,500 people focusing on nine common negative traits: egoism, Machiavellianism, moral disengagement, narcissism, psychological entitlement, psychopathy, sadism, self-interest, and spitefulness. They asked participants how much they agreed or disagreed with statements like "I know that I am special because everyone keeps telling me so." They also studied other self-reported behaviors, such as impulsivity. Finally, researchers attempted to map a common denominator present in the nine personality traits.

The experts involved in the work define this common denominator—also known as the D-factor or "dark core"—as the general tendency to maximize one's individual utility (i.e., to put your interests and goals over others and even enjoy it) while having beliefs that serve as justifications. While somebody certainly can display one negative trait more than others, the dark core means that, if a person shows one of the negative personality traits, they're probably going to have a strong tendency to show one or more of the others, as well.

Sometimes you can experience so much toxicity from others that you can actually become numb to it, or not notice it until after the fact. The realization that you are not supported by your peers or that someone actively tried to hurt you should be enough to get you to move on. Unfortunately, if you carry deep wounds from years of emotional abuse, realizing that you are being mistreated can take a while. Realizing that you are not emotionally supported and are living or working in a toxic environment can take longer, but once you realize it, there is no going back.

I was asked to send a half-dozen copies of my book Emotional Fitness at Work to a company as a pre-presentation exercise, so the leaders could each pick a chapter that we could focus on. Apparently, they dove into the book immediately as a group and decided that their work environment was highly emotionally unfit. They presented that realization to the owner, who promptly fired them all.

Wow.

I guess they were right, and hopefully they all found new, less toxic, positions at other companies.

Dysfunction abounds in the work environment, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to find work in a healthier environment. Unfortunately, volunteer organizations can fall into the same trap; a team's problems don't have to involve money.

One of the most dysfunctional organizations I have ever been involved with was a neighborhood homeowners association (HOA). The politics made the last national election look like child’s play, and for what? Actually, it’s what we used to call a power trip, but it’s really just the need to be righteous and lord over other people.

I watched a beefy man in his forties lambast an older woman in an open neighborhood meeting—he was literally standing over her and yelling in her face. No one said a thing, until I spoke up with something like, “That is so inappropriate, grow up.” I also suggested to the woman he victimized that she report him to adult protective services, but she didn’t want that.

I walked out and resigned.

I got lots of emails, texts, and letters asking me to stay, telling me that this guy was “just that way,” but I now understand that he is suing the association for which he volunteered. It's becoming a suburban nightmare.

I don’t release my anger on other people for three reasons: First, the average Girl Scout could beat me to a pulp with a box of Thin Mints; second, it’s just not nice and I like to be a nice guy; and third, it’s a waste of time and energy.

Toxic people who want to get their way, no matter what, are manipulative and mean, and typically liars as well. They will dedicate their lives to finding a way to achieve their goal—right, wrong, or indifferent. Hurting people in the process doesn’t matter. Putting so much negative energy into the world for such small things is what is dividing us. It is sad when neighbors can’t get along, but even sadder to be around people who treat you badly.