10 Tips to Having Arguments the Right Way
Sometimes couples get into a negative feedback loop.
Posted May 19, 2011
Dealing Well With Arguments
Even the most caring couples will have a big argument that will cause hurt feelings for both people. Rather than going to your own corners to lick your wounds, here are some tips that will help you heal your pain and help you avoid having another round.
1. Know that all couples argue. It could be that you're tired or hungry, or that you're not feeling well, perhaps you had a little too much to drink, or maybe the full moon makes you a little unstable. Whatever the reason, it happens because we're human and anger is a natural human condition.
2. Be patient. Remember that time heals all wounds. It can take a day or two to regenerate from a big hurt so be extra careful with your partner, and don't disengage. Use this healing period to understand how each of you will behave better the next time.
3. Don't leave. Hanging out in separate rooms to cool off for awhile is fine, so is taking a walk around the block, but don't leave the house with a packed bag because this sends the message that you are leaving the relationship. However if any violence has occurred leaving is mandatory.
4. Take 100% responsibility. If both of you own the entire argument your ability to fix what went wrong has doubled. Working together to heal a relationship rift is the quickest and easiest way to get back on the right path.
5. Don't underestimate the power of apology. If you hold fast to your righteousness, it may all that you will have to hold in the end. Being a big enough person to step up to the plate and admit when you're wrong says a great deal about your character. People who can't say they're sorry will find it difficult to maintain successful long-term relationships.
6. Be kind. Having an attitude after a quarrel is simply a covert way of continuing the conflict. Once you've decided to stop it's helpful to overcorrect into the realm of caring and consideration.
7. Trust that you're loved. "For better and for worse" are words to live by when things get stormy. Remembering why you fell in love with your partner will reopen your heart.
8. Do something fun. Go out for a lavish dinner, hit a movie, play with the kids or the animals. Being active with each other will create endorphins in your brain, which will make you feel better.
9. Kiss and make up. Making love after an argument is not an unpleasant way to reconnect, but sometimes it's awkward. If you agree to leave your troubles at the bedroom door and turn each other on instead of the TV, make-up love will be unavoidable.
10. Consider counseling. If big arguments are the norm or if there is more than 20% discord in your relationship you need to get some professional advice. Sometimes couples get into a negative feedback loop and a good therapist can help you break the negative cycle.
Using the tools above will help you to return to your normal behavior sooner rather than later. Keep in mind that as long as you sustain the life raft of desire to reconnect with your partner you can weather any storm.