Relationships Aren't Fair

When couples talk about the things in their relationship they don’t like, they often use a specific phrase: It’s not fair! Which makes sense. It’s common to feel like a relationship should be fair. Fairness in a relationship would mean that each person gets an equal amount of whatever’s good about being in a relationship, and because of this, there should be nothing to complain about. Fairness means each partner is treated without favoritism or discrimination, and fairness is in direct opposition to unfairness, and if something is unfair, that means it’s bad, and if unfairness is bad, then fairness is good, and who can argue with working toward a relationship that is good?

I can argue with this. Relationships are just like life: They’re not fair! Expecting them to be fair sets us up for disappointment. The reason why relationships aren’t fair is that people are different.

• We might complain that we do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, and we feel like it’s not fair our partner doesn’t share in this duty, but the reality is that we might enjoy cooking and cleaning more than our partner, we are likely better at it, and we likely prefer doing it our way, and more simply, our partner might not like to cook at all.
• We might complain that our partner is the ultimate arbiter of the financial decisions, but the reality is that our partner might be more knowledgeable than us in that area, we likely would not make as good or informed choices as they do in that area, and deep down we might actually be thankful our partner is inclined to deal with an area that we are not as eager to engage in.
• We might complain that we only have sex when our partner wants to have sex, but the reality might be that we have a stronger sex drive than our partner, and we want to have sex more often than our partner does, who might themselves have an objectively healthy level of desire for sex but just not want it as much as we do.
• We might complain that our partner micromanages our social schedule, but the reality might be that our partner is more social than us, enjoys making plans, has better time management skills, and we would likely not reach out to friends in the same way, and be late to or simply forget about social commitments if our partner didn’t take the lead in this area.

Relationships are made up of two people who together account for 100 percent of the relationship, but that 100 percent is not divided equally in every area. We are puzzle pieces that fit together to make a whole, and the parts of the puzzle pieces that snap together are not the same size and shape. If you find yourself complaining that things aren’t fair in your relationship, the solution isn’t to try to adjust things so you’re each contributing or participating in an equal 50 percent share of these things. The struggle to make things fair is a doomed quest. The solution is to understand and accept that things in your relationship aren’t always fair and equitable, and that this is OK, and, in reality, to be expected. If you find yourself feeling like your relationship isn’t fair, consider whether the issue you’re concerned about needs to be fair at all.