Home for the Holidays

Source: Mike Gorey, used with permission

As the hustle and bustle of the holiday season quickly approaches, it’s easy to find ourselves caught up and even overwhelmed by the gift giving and obligations of the season rather than basking in its cheer. For parents, the holidays often represent a time of duties: Duties of purchasing, duties of entertaining, or attending and hosting celebratory family and or work gatherings. It’s easy to become lost in the overwhelming commercialism of the season. After all, who can ignore brightly colored holiday decorations, the pine smell of the freshly cut trees, the warm glow of candles in every shop after Thanksgiving Day, or the endless parade of commercials and adverts coaxing you into the shops in search of the “perfect” gift!

On the other hand for young kids the December holidays are all about vacation from school and the gifts they may be receiving. From young child’s perspective, it is a season of wonder, fantastic stories and anticipation of presents. During childhood, holidays, their meaning and traditions, are accepted without question, interpretation, or debate. Gifts, regardless of their cost, bring immediate gratification and amazement to young kids. As a parent, this can be a joy to behold. While it is easy to maintain the wonder and awe of a young child, this is not the case with teenagers and it can be challenging.

An adolescent’s perception of the season is still in flux. Gone is the childhood ‘magic’ of a large jolly man in red coming to town with 12 reindeer, gone is the unbounded excitement of the spinning of the dreidel, or celebrations of Kwanzaa. The cheer, anticipation, obligations, and expectations of the season come to a crashing head and transition during adolescence. By this time, teens have become acutely aware that there is no such thing as Santa, and that their once favorite elf, Buddy, is actually the same actor who played Chazz Michel Michaels, in Blades of Glory! They understand the meaning of Christmas, the symbolism of the 8 candles of Hanukkah, and the 7 principles of Kwanza. Adolescence is not only a time of hormonal, neurological and physical change, it is also a time when perceptions change, and the holidays shift from a season of wonder to one that is filled with duties and expectations.

Adolescents are just beginning to identify the boundaries superimposed by forces once unseen (such as finances). They have an evolving understanding of the season and a growing realization of financial constraints their families may experience which are pivotal to this time of year. Sure, your teen may want the latest pair of Jordan’s or iPhone (so they won’t be shamed by their peers, I mean, how embarrassing to be so last season!) It’ also likely that your teen may try to exert their independence, act impulsively, want to play their video game, complain that they are, “SO BORED”, (how dare you make them join you for a family dinner?!) They may act disappointed and angry at not getting what they had hoped for, or not quite realizing or accepting that with the family’s working budget. As parents understand, it might not be feasible to fulfill all their teen’s wants. It may be helpful to obligate your teen to fund their own gift giving activity to teach them about budgeting, and help them understand their own financial boundaries and that of the family. Teach your teen that expensive gifts aren’t symbolic of love: Time together is.

So how do you get through this difficult time as a parent? Be authentic and communicate openly. Adolescents know when you feel obligated to do something, insincere, or when you like or dislike someone. Teens are experts at reading relationships. It’s never a good idea to model trash-talk instead teach teens the value of diplomacy between and within relationships. Spend more quality time with your teen. Really listen to them; speak with them and avoid talking at them. Sign your family up for an activity to give to those who are in greater need. Experiencing contact with those less fortunate helps foster gratitude.

Sure, your teen may continue to be ornery at times during the season. Keep in mind that adolescence is a time that the holidays become less about the fantasy young children easily embrace, and more about the magic that each individual helps to create. Being an adolescent during the holidays is a time of difficult transition, the time that mysteries are unveiled, a time when parents must support their teens’ evolution from a young believer in magical tales and holiday elves, helping them shift focus towards the truth and power of meaningful family ties, family bonds, and spiritual beliefs. After all, home is where the heart is during the holiday season.