Donor Conception Disclosure: Telling Others

Infertility is a deeply personal and often painful journey for many individuals and couples. The emotional toll can manifest as feelings of loss, shame, disappointment, guilt, and anger. For those who turn to donor gametes as a solution, the complexity of infertility can lead to silence surrounding donor conception, resulting in an experience that may be shrouded in secrecy.

While numerous studies emphasize the importance of early disclosure to donor-conceived people (DCP)¹, discussions about sharing this information with friends, family, and the broader community are often overlooked. Let's delve into the emotional landscape surrounding secrecy in donor conception.

Secrecy vs. privacy

Many parents who have used donated gametes wait to disclose the truth to their children and have also not told their closest relatives and friends. The truth is a closely guarded secret kept in place via outright lies and/or lying by omission. Many people consider infertility a private matter, and the privacy of infertility often becomes the secrecy of donor conception. Feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or shame can then take hold of their children's origin stories.

Some who keep the secret say that it will be their child’s “choice,” when they’re adults, when and with whom to share this information. This reasoning allows parents to buy time and to feel justified for their non-disclosure. Some even keep the knowledge of donor siblings or other donor relatives secret, when in contrast, we usually speak freely about all other relatives.

Parents who haven’t disclosed the truth to their children may think that not telling others limits the possibility of their child finding out by mistake. But this lays the groundwork for another quandary. Since 2005², unsuspecting donor-conceived people have been connecting with their donor relatives via commercial DNA tests. When DCP find out via a DNA test and close family and friends don't know the secret, they are in a position to either keep the secret or potentially be in a situation of having to reveal their parent's infertility choices made decades ago. With these late discoveries, adult DCP should never be burdened with a donor conception secret.

Privacy is the most common excuse given by parents who keep the secret from others. It's crucial to distinguish between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy implies shame and can create a climate of distrust within the family. Privacy allows families to make informed decisions about who needs to know and when while fostering open communication and respect for everyone's needs and boundaries.

Source: littleprince/123RF

Why the secrecy?

Maintaining secrecy can lead to profound implications for familial relationships. It can produce an environment filled with distrust and anxiety for both parents and children. The justification of privacy can quickly become a shield for fear of judgment from others, causing stress for all involved.

These are some common reasons given for not telling others.

• I saw no reason to tell. I didn’t realize telling was important. Upon honest reflection, parents often identify compelling reasons for disclosing to their children and others.
• If others knew, my kids might feel different. This assumption often reveals more about parental discomfort or fear.
• My (conservative) family, friends, or community won’t accept my children. We have no control over others' judgment but can focus on what we do have control over and empower our kids not to be affected by the judgment of small minds.
• Telling others risks my child finding out inadvertently. This excuse often overlooks the child’s right to know the truth.

The decision to keep donor conception a secret is often rooted in deeper fears.

• Fear of judgment and/or shame/embarrassment. Concerns about being judged for infertility, single parenthood, or for using a donor.
• Protecting the non-biological parent. Fear that the non-bio parent might feel less loved or acknowledged as the “real” parent by family, friends, and others. Prioritizing a spouse’s wishes over speaking openly and honestly with children, relatives, and friends can have long-term consequences.
• Fear of family instability. Worry that disclosing the truth to others could upset the family’s balance or dynamics. However, secrecy undermines trust and honesty.
• Fear of rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or discomfort. This may include fear of rejection within the family, fear of rejection from a conservative/religious community, feelings of insecurity that children might favor donor relatives over them, or anxiety or discomfort knowing that the child has or may have (many) unknown close genetic relatives.

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Honesty

Promoting an environment of openness and respect is crucial for healthy family dynamics. Families are encouraged to engage in candid conversations about donor conception, fostering a culture of transparency that can empower children to embrace their unique stories. Education about donor conception can also alleviate fears about societal judgment, allowing families to focus on trust and connection rather than concealment.

Secrets kept from family and close friends can cause anxiety and also prevent authentic relationships. Secrets can create boundaries between those who know and those who don’t. When only some family members know, the secret holders often feel like covert betrayers, constantly choosing loyalties. A lot of effort is needed to keep protecting the secret, an effort that could be used to foster authentic and honest relationships.

Honesty is the best policy regarding telling children and with family and friends. A secret kept is a hidden shame. The fact that a donor is used can be discussed with family and friends right from the start. Allowing them to walk the family-building/expanding path with you is a gift.

Kids should not be the first to tell close relatives and friends. Teachers and doctors should be told by parents right from the start. Parents of the child’s friends and other adults who may hear the child talk about how they were conceived when parents aren’t around should also have a heads-up. Modeling these conversations in front of the child teaches them how to speak about and feel confident about their story, even when others might give off judgemental vibes.

Moving Forward

Breaking the cycle of secrecy requires a conscious effort.

• If dealing with infertility, allow your family and friends to support you.
• Begin conversations with family, friends, doctors, and teachers.
• Model these conversations whenever possible so your children feel comfortable sharing their stories.
• Prioritize honesty. Make honesty a core value within the family.
• If your children are older, explain honestly why you’ve kept the secret. Support their open conversations with others.
• Seek support: Connect with other families who have used donor conception for guidance and support. If you're struggling, reach out for assistance.