Nature and Nurture in Donor Families

To some recipient parents, it's no more than a "piece of genetic material" or merely a "donated cell."

This is how many gamete vendors (egg clinics and sperm banks) frame gamete donation. But to a donor-conceived person (DCP), it’s the origin of approximately 50 percent of their DNA: one-half of their identity, ancestry, mental and physical attributes, and medical/psychological origins.

Many donor-conceived people (DCP), just like those who are adopted (many of whom have great relationships with their parents), often feel a deep-seated need to know their genetic relatives, or at the very least know about them, to better understand themselves.

We all have a unique and wonderful blend of nature and nurture.

The people that raise, nurture, and love us, our families, our teachers, our communities, our experiences, and the two people that gave us our DNA blueprint all factor into who we become as adults: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Non-biological parents matter.

Many people considering having a child face the possibility/probability of not being genetically related to that child. Whether they’re a man, woman, or couple dealing with infertility or with a genetic issue that makes it too risky to have a biological child, or if they’re an LGBTQIA+ couple, and they choose to use donor eggs or sperm, someone in their family equation will be in the position of being the non-bio parent.

Many non-biological parents have not been adequately counseled or educated before using donor conception to create their families. In our 2012 published research on 244 non-biological parents, only 39.4 percent of the surveyed non-biological mothers and 57.5 percent of the non-biological fathers indicated they had received professional counseling before using a donor. Only 25.8 percent of the participants had arranged counseling by their fertility clinic/doctor.¹

These parents must deal with any loss, grief, and/or shame around their infertility and work through any emotions they might be experiencing from their lack of biological connection with the child. If a non-bio parent has unresolved emotional issues, they could accidentally signal their discomfort, pain, and/or shame to the child, which can cause the child to feel shame in being donor-conceived.

The bio and non-bio parents who raise, love, support, and take care of us, contribute greatly to who we become as adults. It's especially important that the non-bio parents feel confident and secure in their parental roles so that they can adequately walk beside their child to support any difficulty their child may have in being donor-conceived and honor any curiosities they might have about an unknown genetic family.

Parents often withhold the truth to protect the non-biological parent.

Some non-biological parents fear that if the truth gets out, they won't be seen by family, friends, and others as the "real" parents.

But, family secrets can be toxic, and we believe these parents, expecting honesty from their children, owe their children the same. In families with secrets, all too often, the “secret” hovers just beneath the surface, creating distance between non-biological parents and their donor children. The DCP can be unsure why there is a feeling of distance between them and their non-biological parent. This disconnect can have life-long negative consequences.

Parents who disclose the truth can still pass along their insecurities and fears regarding their child having any curiosity about and wishing to connect with their unknown biological family. The non-biological parent often feels more insecure about their parentage, and the child can be affected by this insecurity.

Giving the child the clear message that it's an uncomfortable subject and not welcome to be discussed can have significant circumstances on the child and the whole family dynamic. Not making peace with their lack of biological connection may create discourse and guilt within the child when any natural feelings of curiosity arise within them.

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Issues can arise for both heterosexual and LGBTQIA+ families.

Different Family Types

Source: elenabsl@123rf

We often hear that the non-biological mom in an LGBTQIA+ family, for example, may minimize the donor's contribution, which could be harmful to a donor-conceived child trying to construct their identity and acknowledge all contributors.

Sometimes the non-bio parent is afraid of a child reaching out to half-siblings and/or their donor and says things like “biology doesn’t make a family.”

These parents’ unresolved discomfort or sadness about not having a genetic connection to their child can cause great instability and insecurity within their nuclear family. This can be expressed as disappointment or anger at a curious child, causing them to feel a great sense of betrayal, even just thinking about the unknown people they are genetically related to. This can paralyze DCP who have a longing or desire to explore connections with their unknown relatives and actually make efforts to do so.

Sometimes a DCP figures out the truth, but they still shoulder the secret.

Research and anecdotal information give evidence that quite often, adult donor offspring in heterosexual families have found out that they were donor-conceived, but we’re afraid to tell their non-biological parents that they knew the truth for fear of hurting them. In this case, the secret becomes intergenerational, as the children struggle to keep the “secret” that the parents have also shouldered for so long.

These DCP frequently feel acutely aware that the methodology of their conception causes pain to their non-biological parent and, therefore, willingly accept the weight of this pain to carry themselves. This can enforce the idea that the way they were created is somehow shameful and should be kept secret.

What is in the best interests of the donor-conceived child?

In the beginning, parents make all the choices about how their child will come into the world. These are choices that will affect children for their entire lives. But, it isn’t only about what makes parents most comfortable. They must also ask, “What is in the best interests of this child to be born?” Reading research and testimonials from donor-conceived people is strongly suggested before making any decisions.

Parents need to be very careful not to put their fears and biases onto their children and allow them to process for themselves the meaning of “family” as they mature. DCP are brought into the world using a methodology that cuts them off from one-half of their genetic background and relatives. It’s important to honor and respect their desires to seek out this unknown or “invisible” family. Parents can offer to walk by their children’s side as they explore and make their donor family connections. Doing so leads to stronger family connections.

Non-bio moms and dads are different.

In the published research of 244 non-biological parents,¹ was a difference between non-biological mothers and fathers over whether they were interested in meeting their child’s other biological parent, the donor. 73.1 percent of the women who utilized donor eggs indicated that they would like to meet the donor, while only 45.2 percent of the men (who utilized donor sperm) indicated interest.

Adequate counseling, education, working through one’s grief and fear, and understanding their children’s desire to know about their ancestry, medical background, and roots before pregnancy would save a lot of donor families from heartache. Making peace with the concept of not being genetically related to their children is essential for non-bio parents to create an honest, respectful, and healthy family with strong bonds.

Exploring what it means to be a parent and acknowledging their children are a wonderful blend of nature and nurture can lead to more secure, peaceful, and loving relationships.

Acknowledging the importance of a DCP's unknown biological parent doesn't decrease the importance of the non-bio parent.

DCP are deeply influenced by the parents who love and raise them, whether they have a biological connection. Additionally, the importance of the unknown parent who has contributed 50 percent of the DNA can not be denied or underestimated. Understanding, appreciating, and respecting that knowing where and who one comes from is essential in forming a person's current and future identity and is vital for a happy and healthy family.