Is Praising Someone the Best Way to Please Them?

Over the next weeks many parents with teenage daughters and sons are hoping for a temperate emotional climate. Nothing can dull the holiday spirit as quickly and as completely as a teenager’s surly sulk. So we may attempt to placate her with praise: “You’re being so helpful,” and, “That was kind,” and, “I know you want to do the right thing.”

After all, a parent’s praise, in early stages of life, is not merely pleasant; research in neuroscience shows that it is essential to the growth of a healthy brain. The brain grows – very rapidly in early childhood - by forming networks of interconnected neurons, which are the basic elements in the brain’s communication system. When a parent’s face conveys praise with the message, “I want to see who you are, and I admire you,” the infant’s brain is awash with both oxytocin and endorphin compounds.

In an toddler’s world praise involves a pretty standard repertoire of showing interest and delight, but when children enter adolescence, each family is forced to learn new routines. In one family, a teen continues to warm to a parent’s praise. In another family, praise is unpredictable and often short-lived.

Haim Ginott, a pioneering teacher and child psychologist working in the 1960s, noted that praise generally had more positive impact on behavior than any kind of blame and punishment. (This is the positive reinforcement observation.) But he was under no illusion that praise was simple or straightforward. He saw praise as a powerful teaching tool – in fact, he called it an emotional medicine. “Praise,” he said, “like penicillin, must not be administered haphazardly. There are rules and cautions that govern the handling of potent medicines—rules about timing and dosage, cautions about possible allergic reactions. There are similar regulations about the administration of emotional medicine.” [1]

Ginott could also have added that the dosage and risks of administering praise change according to age. Praise that arouses delight and pride in a baby and toddler can have very different effects on older children. It’s been found that in a classroom, praise can arouse anxiety (“I’m being watched”). Some children become praise dependent and need praise before they can take the next step – particularly children who are fed a steady diet of praise, they’re praised for everything and anything they do, and this leaves them confused as to what is praiseworthy and what isn’t, and therefore they find it hard to assess their own performance.

The most significant change there’s been in recent fashions is about what to praise. It was once thought good practice to praise a child for being smart, intelligent, or talented – that they would believe they had these qualities and would then behave accordingly. But such praise has recently been shown to undermine motivation, and that it’s far more effective to praise qualities that flag the possibility of growth and learning; so the current trend in praising children is to focus on how persistence, practice and concentration yield good results: “You’ve really worked hard at this,” rather than, “You’re doing well because you’re so clever.” [2] And these guidelines remain the best available in an educational setting, particularly for children.

But in the teen years all bets of what works are off. Whereas once the parent’s admiration was welcome, now it can seem, to the teen, stale, outdated or even offensive. Teens want to be their own judge, and the idea that a parent is in a position to judge them – even positively, is really annoying.

These counter-intuitive responses should not be dismissed as mere teenage irritability. In fact, praise often misfires. If we don’t pick up on the need to be responsive to another’s own values and goals, then it won’t only be our teen who hisses at our praise. That powerful medicine canbe used to exert power and to assign roles: “You’re so helpful,” or “You’re always so strong,” sometimes suggest that this is what someone needs you to be, and can act as a reminder that it’s dangerous to be something other than helpful or strong. “No one can cook a festive meal like you can,” is a wonderful thing to hear, but when it is used to imply this is your job and no one else’s, then that kind of praise can be infuriating.

Good praise has ears; it listens; it is responsive to a person’s own goals and values.[3] When praise shuts down its listening function, it becomes a tool of authority – patronizing, controlling and sometimes even menacing.