The economy collapsed
My marriage collapsed
My psyche collapsed
Cambell's Hero's journey descent into Hell
I am ascending now.
Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. A new theory aims to make sense of it all.
Verified by Psychology Today
In my clinical practice — as well as observations while talking with colleagues, neighbors, and friends — I've noticed many recent unexpected marital failures in mid-life. The typical story seems to be that after 20 or more years of marriage and several children who are about high school age or so, many husbands leave their marriages for a younger woman. Their wives are stunned, having that "deer in the headlights" look about them.
What's going on and what are the risks of this happening to your marriage?
This weekend, I attended a large birthday party for a friend and neighbor here in Silicon Valley who just turned 50. I was especially struck by my conversation with a neighbor at the party who works as a realtor for many very expensive local homes. She has noticed this unexpected mid-life marital failure phenomenon as both a busy professional realtor (managing home sales for the divorcing partners) and as someone who is highly involved with local schools and youth sports. Although she's about to turn 50 herself and is attractive, talented, personable, and vivacious, she jokingly worries that she too might get an unexpected surprise from her husband someday, given the fact that this has happened to so many people that she knows.
An abundance of research gives us insight into the factors that contribute to marital satisfaction and longevity. You might want to look at the research of John Gottman at the University of Washington, David Buss at the University of Texas (Austin), for a few of many examples.
While I certainly can't address all of the available research in this brief blog post, I'd like to highlight three important risk factors to problems in mid-life marriage: narcissism, unrealistic expectations, and the lack of guardrails for behavior.
Narcissism. We certainly do live in more and more of a narcissistic culture. There is much written on this topic and many Psychology Today blog posts about this issue as well. In a nutshell, if everything is all about you and your needs, it becomes difficult (if not impossible) to successfully negotiate the give and take of marriage and family life over many years.
Many narcissistic men seem to believe that they can do better and seek the excitement, novelty, and admiration found with a much younger and perhaps more attractive sexual partner. They don't seem to have empathy for their spouse, children, and others impacted by their decisions. If they have resources and options, they'll use them to get what they want.
Unrealistic expectations: Our obsession with personal fulfillment and attention to the lives of celebrities modeling a glamorous life creates social comparisons that suggest that we should be happy and satisfied at all times in our marriages. If we aren't meeting these high expectations, then we assume that there is something wrong with our marriage and that, in our throwaway culture, we should just replace the old spouse with a new and better one.
Lack of guardrails for behavior. In our very mobile culture and with fewer civic and religious institutional influences in our lives these days, we have the freedom to live as we wish with few societal guardrails keeping behavior in check.
So, extramarital affairs, divorce, the use of pornography, out-of-town trips that involve prostitution or hooking up are not met with the corrective feedback by our communities (both civic and religious) as much as in the past. Thus, our personal freedoms which we enjoy have a downside, in that we have fewer and fewer checks and balances (or guardrails) on behavior.
There are no easy solutions to these challenges but perhaps if we are aware of these important three risk factors (among others) we can try to nip potential marital troubles in the bud and minimize the unexpected surprise of a mid-life marital breakdown.
So, what do you think? What have you been noticing about mid-life marital collapse?
The economy collapsed
My marriage collapsed
My psyche collapsed
Cambell's Hero's journey descent into Hell
I am ascending now.
Well, my marriage is collapsing mid-life. We are in marriage counseling but I'm not sure we will make it much longer. But the big problem for me is that my wife is no longer interested in me, physically, emotionally, or as a friend. But she wants to stay together for the sake of the kids and income security.
So as our marriage dissolves and she says more and more things in our marriage counseling sessions that make me think "why am I still with this woman?" my mind naturally asks (among other things) if I can "do better and seek the excitement, novelty, and admiration found with a much younger and perhaps more attractive sexual partner" (as you write).
Speaking only from my own experience, I'm not narcissistic. Instead, I'm seeing that much of the failure in the marriage belongs on the other side of the bed. The fact that I may find myself in the company of a younger, more attractive woman is not because that's what I desire, it's because the desire has left my wife. I haven't cheated on my wife, but I sure understand why some men do. I don't see that in your writing.
It's sad how this happens in many marriages. It must be difficult to sit in counseling and hear your wife complain but are you really listening to her issues with your marriage? Maybe she is so frustrated because she expects things from you but you're not getting the message. And maybe she isn't hearing your beef either. Getting to the root of the anger is the job of your counsellor and if that is not happening, I suggest you seek out a better "relationship counsellor". Psychiatrists, psychologists and marriage counsellors don't usually get it right. Interview them over the phone first. Tell them you need practical "home work" you can both do with each other to reconnect. Remember what made you fall in love with this person. And when you are thinking you just want to be appreciated and loved, ask yourself if you are doing that for her...not the way you want it but the way she wants it. Read this book "The Five Love Languages" to better understand each other and for gods sake communicate. You certainly can toss in the towel for a younger, prettier model who makes you feel good abut yourself for a while but I guarantee you your children will think you are a gross, dirty old guy for doing that and even if they say they like Kandi or Tiffany, they don't and will think you are a selfish man who doesn't care about his family. When your younger model is finished with you, you will have a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking you were a good example to your kids...unless you are a narcissist. If that's the case, you'll be just fine with your selfish behavior thinking it didn't affect anyone else. If you only knew what your now former friends and family will be saying behind your back you might think twice. Here is something for you to think about. If you had to physically carry and give birth to your children and care and nurture them as much as your wife does , would you expect a little more understanding and patience and help from your partner? Good men get this. Be that good man so she can be the kind of loving wife you want. Please, stick it out and put effort into your marriage, real effort. It is NOT greener on the other side once the honeymoon is over and you will have lost so much more than your family.
We were together 17 years, blended family already, but the love of my life. Three excellent kids combined. My Ex and his Ex were nightmares, caused us a lot of problems and a lot of money. It wasn't fun lots of the time, but together we made it and after a proposal about 6 years into our relationship although we were living together, he started an affair immediately after. I grew up fast that day learning of the ongoing, we made it through the next 10 years with another proposal, wedding planned and then another run on his part. One foot out the door it seemed, I have read a lot of Narccasistic behaviour because I thought it was a little of that, a little of Mid-life crisis, a little of his childhood, his father did this. A little of a lot of things. But nonetheless, I really do love him. He has moved to BC, where his family lives, left me, won't talk to me. I did handle things wrong, trying to fight for us which pushed him away further. I have no desire to see anyone else. How can I, I love him still. This is an epidemic. It is also other women fault for providing a door for the vulnerable man to find a safe "new" haven and not deal with life at home.
I'm sad still 3 years later. More sad than anyone cares to hear anymore.
I'm sorry to all that are going through the same thing. It really is awful and lonely and very very devastating.
I am very sorry to hear you’re going through this awful ordeal.
I would never have believed so many amazing women have been abandoned. It just happened to me and I am beyond devastated.
I am ashamed to say I didnt even see it coming. My husband moved us in with his parents then took off to a woman doctor’ house. She has 3 children and husband just passed away.
I am in serious shock! I supported my husband many years and we went through a lot together. Now he is off with her and acts like I never existed.
How are you? I hope all is well. I keep hearing how I will bounce back and be fine but he left me almost broke while he goes off to the good life.
I am so encouraged by your strength and honest comments. I guess I can do one day at a time.
It just feels so unfair. Best of luck and let me know how you’re doing.
I know just how you feel. I thought I was happliy married and the next thing I know I'm moved to a condo and my husband is with his therapist. The pain is staggering. I hope you're doing better.
My marriage of 35 years broke up after my husband began sleeping with his therapist. He left me soon after and moved to another state with her. Sometimes I can't breath I'm so overcome with pain. It's been 16 months. Are you any better? I hope so.
What have you been doing to keep your wife interested?
You don't want to believe that a man is willing to do anything and everything to try to regain his wife's interest, do you? You bought into the BS that men are clueless and uncaring.
Bottom line (pun intended), you can get nowhere when the distaff half refuses to engage in honest discussion regarding the problem. As my ex told me, "You're supposed to know". VERY unhelpful. The only conclusion a man can have is that she's done with sex and nothing he does will change that.,
I'd love to know what your husband would have to say about you!
I in no way meant disrespect. I was just curious. I know there are great men out there who are abused by their women and vice versa. I heard "you're supposed to know" from my ex and I know how empty that statement is. I'm sorry if your marriage has come to an end. There are no words for the pain.
No, You'll end up alone with your golf clubs unless you have money. The young girls of around 35 won't be around for more than a date or two if you don't. These days, just like in the old days, woman want a roof over their heads with some respect. Really, there is no equality between the sexes anywhere in the US. Women in most professions are treated like toss aways long before retirement. So think long and hard at the boobs and ass you're looking at. Too bad I can't get you in touch with my ex. He knows.
I've seen hundreds of divorces, and I haven't seen a single one where the partners say, after twenty years, "the sex is still great but we can't stand each other."
However, I've seen hundreds of successful marriages where the sex is still great.
Chicken and egg? Egg and chicken? Just telling you that lack of good sex is a serious risk factor to any marriage. And in many cases, when it falls away, it is not because of e.g. resentment, depression, etc. It is that one or the other partner has let themselves go, physically, and attraction is gone.
Sorry to pour cold water on your theory, but my husband cheated on me and we were having sex 4-5 times a week. We are extremely sexually compatible and have always had a great sex life together. Sex will not keep a man from cheating however.
I resent the fact that are you are blaming the woman for "letting herself go" Thats a convient excuse to allow you or whoever to do what they selfishly want. Life happens as you age and to think it won't is narcissistic. Even if it were true, helping and supporting each other is a much better avenue then tossing her aside so your ego can be boosted.
I agree with your comment, my ex kept complaining about my weight, about everything. How I did things, always watching and commenting on what I eat. He was cheating on me, we were married for 30 years. I was at home most of the time raising our kids, taking care of the home, I always was healthy until the last 12 years, I focused on my daughter,he always worked even on his days off in his shop. I'm having to start over. I don't have a job I'm living on my own now,from the money I received, but that isn't going to last forever. I'm so sad and don't know how to move on. I trusted him with my life...now I don't think I will ever trust a man again.
That my dear is where women go wrong. You never trust another human being with your life, That life is yours and yours alone.My husband stripped me of all the money and I too was home most of the time, I did have a work history but t start over at 45-50 is not cool. I trusted him completely and paid dearly. Oh he married some chick with three underage kids and bought a new house he cant pay for, so there is some peace in knowing his life isnt all gravy. But you can start over again
Lisa: you're right. You can't trust another person with your life. However, it says in marriage vows "for better or for worse". These are just words to me and not very reliable ones at that.
Now I'm worried, my husband and are both in our 40's and have 3 kids. I have recently discovered that he has been paying for sex. We have sex at least twice a week, I am slim and physically fit and have always been told I look younger than my age.
He is very remorseful and is now attending AA as he is a big drinker, gambler and has been into coke when younger. He has a good well paid job and is fun, confident and outgoing. He has lots friends and his behavior is socially acceptable around his like minded peers. I'm the big party pooper that tries to get him to stay in more or do things with the family. He quite happily goes out drinking at lunchtime on a Saturday and come home at 4am on Sunday.
He slept with the whores on business trips. He wouldn't let that interfere with drinking time at weekends.
We are British expats living in Asia so he travels a lot.
He was definitely an alcoholic before we got here.
I am now in therapy and have very low self esteem and extreme anger towards him and myself.
Being tested for stds was one of the most humiliating things I've ever done.
Luckily I'm ok.
I am getting through this difficult period by relying on AA to to sort him out and hope he sees the error of his ways and the damage he has caused to his neglected family.
After reading this article I'm beginning to think AA is a waste of time and he was just a narcissist all along.
Husband is fat and diabetic with a low sex drive. Does nothing to help himself. I need regular sex. Enough said. Either I cheat or leave.
Mattie, I just read your comment. This is not what you agreed to when you said your vows. The commitment that you and your husband made when you married should not be dismissed because your husband is not meeting your expectations. There are things you can do to make yourself a better person, that is the one and only person you can change. Good luck to you.
I've been single for 20 years, and divorced my husband for reasons that had nothing to do with either one of us having an affair. It was a great marriage with lots of intimacy. 20 years later, I still look much the same as I did then. (Exercise, diet, and taking advantage of a relatively recent breakthroughs in regenerative medicine.) I still have some trouble attracting men my age; they always go for women much, much younger. I'm committed to staying in great shape, and, money allowing, will take advantage of every breakthrough in life extension technology.
In the course of being single, I have seen men leave their middle-aged wives for younger women. Do the women let themselves go? Well, up to a point. Middle age is middle age, and, until doctors give us the fountain of youth, we are going to look and act middle aged. I spend enormous sums of money trying to stay youthful looking, so I can imagine that women who are on a budget will not be able to compete.
My male friends are very hard on middle aged women, even going as far as to be quite abusive about it. If they see a woman who is 10 pounds overweight, they point out how ugly she is, and how her husband should feel free to hook up with the 20 year old in the office. I have had numerous men confide in me that they no longer think their wives are attractive, even though their wives are attractive for middle-aged women. So it's unclear to me that it's the woman who is the problem.
I fume every time I hear that middle-aged women are just not attractive enough. I get it...it's mother natures way of shouldering aside those who are not that important to the human species because they can't reproduce.
I live in an upscale neighborhood. I know of one high-profile divorce where the man took up with a young woman from a foreign country. His wife was involved in community affairs and raised three fantastic children. She devoted her life to this man.
I've gotten to know the wife extremely well. She's a beautiful woman and fun to be with. Yet the man upended both of their lives to run away with an extremely opportunistic woman.
Until scientists come up with the magic youth formula, there is no way we can compete, no matter how hard we try. However, we know scientists won't come up with such a solution because half of our economy is devoted to the practice of discarding women when their time is up. (Divorce lawyers, counselors, and financial planners are just a few of the many predators I can name.) I've had more than one friend whose money got churned away by unscrupulous "wealth advisors."
Hi Sue, I'm so sick of people blaming divorce attorneys! We don't want your stupid money. So for the record, as a divorce attorney, let me tell you what its like on our end. First, I've never met another lawyer who WANTED to be a divorce attorney. Most of us are literally forced into it by market demand. It is the "trenches" of attorney practices. Its disregarded, disreputable, and looked down upon by other attorneys. Every other divorce attorney I know HATES it, when I tell other attorneys that's what I do, they give me their condolences and generally have a story about hi/her first couple of years in practice and the horror story that got them out from practicing family law. Most divorce attornies, as I am, are fervently trying to "price people out" so they can cultivate other practices of law (for example, Criminal Defense, or Personal Injury which is highly regarded in our profession.) Almost universally, divorce is a weed that eats up your practice (especially for female attornies that men seek out for representation) and chokes out other areas of practice that are more respected and lucrative. Stop getting divorced and trust me, we will all gladly go AWAY.
My parents had it right: a good mix of everything - including intimacy. They did not have much but appreciated eachother.....it was not perfect, but it worked and they enjoyed what they had....especially having to have worked for everything they had. It worked because they were committed. No rethinking, no comparing. Both of them worked, cooked, vacuumed...etc. Hats off to anyone still comitted to and capable of keeping it simple......while pursuing the best life possible - within your realistic (remember realism?) reach. And, .........................did I say and?........................ Happy through out the process!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sweet it is!
The sex was great before my husband and I married It was not until after he came home from the submarine service 3 and a half years after our wedding that things went sideways. It was a suggestion by his father to get him in line with the social structure to not start a marital sex life until my husband was compliant with the conservative communities needs.
My husband would take the stress and throw it back in my and everyone else face He proved to be inflexible about trying other ways to get what he wanted at work without going straight to his union contract and the use of his seniority. When I wanted just some kind of negotiation after 1998 all I would get was a growl, a no he was not going to do it that way and I had not earned my right as a wife to even ask since I had been denying sex since may 28th 1985. then he started hurting people that wanted him to back off what he wanted.If any of us tried to use none violent means such as putting his passport in a safe deposit and get it back after the next Christmas to take his vacation and personal time in a way that enabled all in the 8000 person workforce. Instead when i gave his father his passport to hold him at work in the summer vacations when I came home from my tri year trips to Europe hoping that that time we could start some meaningful negotiation about needs over seniority rights.
From 2003 to 2009 stepping off the flight home hoping that maybe he would not be there except to listen to our ideas about how he take his time off, it was not insult but direct assault getting his passport returned in 2003 it was a slap that put me on my rear in the bank as he slammed his father off walls yelling he would get into his box and return his federal ID. He was not leaving any leeway that he would kill one of us if he did not get his passport back. when all we wanted was that he take his time after the new year. in 2006 after getting off the flight from Stockholm he body slammed his father to the pavement then slapped me to the ground where he kicked me in the belly as i cried ok I will get him his passport back please don't hurt me again over not getting a summer vacation. He was getting the people that were not authorized the time but took it knowing we were going to stop him, they lost their jobs many had two or three kids to our none thanks to me not allowing a sex life until he willingly cooperated, and stopped thinking of seniority rights as the absolute final decider. then in 2009 we switched to just canceling the vacation he wanted to go on with the Orient express. I was coming home after making an alternate vacation for him in the virgin islands in january, he decided to have his father and I put in county jail for what was fraud on our part in cancelling his berth. then after getting ill in the fall of that year he expected since he was being retired that we would allow him home on the holidays, He punished us until he died in June 2018. In 2013 deciding that if i said no to sex one more time I was going to die for using him just as a piggy bank. I was set to go out to a community awards dinner with my husbands parents and his fathers best friend when my husband came home from rehab and the regional mental health to try and ascertain how much anger he was carrying. He tore my dress off, then everything else as I plead things did not have to come to what it had, couldn't we just talk after the dinner come up with a way civilly to solve the problems we had all created him by dismissing us as stupid about union rights and us for trying to control what he did in the society which should have never been tried on my part, I was crying I was sorry for the way he was treated by me and e4veryone else but he was always so inflexible please I did not want him to do what he was going to do in anger.
At 48 years old i ended up pregnant in that anger that evening, a friend was thrown over the deck rail into the driveway face first when my husband told him he was not welcome in his home to say anything to me. and the entire family was at each others throat. In 2014 on Christmas day after being tossed out his front door he came back in on horseback holding a 30 30 on everyone telling everyone they were free to leave including me after we had begged him to go any where but home there were many of the invited guests in our home that just did not want him there. One man just starting to reach for his pistol was told by my husband if he lifted his weapon he would have his brains all over the wall and my husband really did not want to clean it.
Most of my friends left hungry that Christmas because my husband was just not going to be nice about not being in his home until after everyone left we would have called him home on his cell to get what he wanted, but it was his way in his home or we could die trying to get him to back down. Surrender was not in his nature. it was take the hill or die on the advance.
Disappointed Husband: I urge you to take a look at yourself also. You seem quick to blame your wife. Ask yourself honestly what your role is in why she is no longer interested in you. I'm sure she has many issues, and I'm pretty sure you do. Because you are both human and both imperfect. We all are. Be sure you aren't using her behavior as justification for something you want (a divorce and a relationship with someone else). I've been down this road and after 5 years of it, I would love to go back and work harder to correct rather than accept where my (ex) wife and I were headed.
Most midlife marriages are actually ended by females. The old cliche is that the men leave for younger and more attractive women. This actually is not the case.
Iknow of several men trapped in marriages where they recieve no physical or emotional affection. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If your partner has "opted out", life is so much better with someone who actually cares about you. Find someone else. Life is too short to be in a marriage of cenvenience.
You mean to tell the world that it's all the woman's fault? You've got to be joking, men pull away and become very null and void also. Finding someone new is not the answer, finding yourself during a mid life crisis is more important than bringing a new person into your crisis. Point proven, men become selfish and want something new, so they push the old out. Get over yourself and fix you before destroying someone else
You mean to tell the world that it's all the man's fault??? It works both ways. I am incredibly attracting to my wife of 22 years and have never had a desire to seek out a younger woman or any woman for that matter. Nevertheless she has decided to part ways for reasons I do not understand. Perhaps she would say I have pulled away and become null and void. All I know is I am the one at home taking care of things 2X because she chooses to spend time with other women who are unencumbered by a husband.
Well I guess I'm just a cliche then because my husband left me for a much younger woman. I know of two other couples where this happened as well. Oh, by the way, I didn't opt out - I loved him, but he still chose to leave me and our son.
I am a 40 something married woman who dates married men. Most of my dates are in their 40's and beyond and guess what the main complaint about their wives is? NO SEX.
Guess what I provide....sex and companionship.
As wives, we cannot let our relationships go, we have to nurure them so that our husbands are not inclined to look elsewhere for what they should be getting AT HOME.
What about your hubby? Does he know your cheating or is this a
mutually consent action on both your part? If you are both on
the same page more power to you--I'm not. My soon to be x-spouse
was having an affair & I caught them--he denied it but I had a PI
investigate. What I saw of this MISTRESS/GOLDDIGGER was a very
unattractive person, married 3 times and I was able to talk to husband #3. After many conversations with this #3 victim my soon to be x-spouse has met his match. Both are liars, cheaters & thieves.
They deaerve each other. In the meantime I know what he lost and
what I have gained---many caring children, family, friends and
currently still making many good quality friendships. I'm enjoying what I have missed out on the past 44 years. A new wonderful, meaningful and fulfilling life. The x-spouse was always a narcissistic person and it takes this type to CHEAT.
If your spouse does not know your outside behavior how would you
feel if he found out about your promiscuoous behavior?
That woman who slept with married men is a low life.
I agree, the wife who slept with married men and gave them sex and companionship is not a Christian person. If you are married and giving other married men sex and companionship then you are a whore. If there was money involved she would be called a prostitute. I hope she uses protection, how would she feel if she got an STD?
Hmmmm, thats what they are telling you. You can't be that naive? What else would they tell you, that all is great at home. How much sympathy do you they would get if they said that?
Hmmmm!
You believe the men you are sleeping with? Your cheating on your husband and why? My ex before the divorce stopped having sex with me because he was already seeing another woman. I always gave him sex every time he wanted it. I always tried my best to make him happy, let me tell you this, if a woman is going to offer free sex, then a man will take it, I don't wish divorce on anyone, you really should think about working on your marriage because you may regret it someday.
No wonder, someone like you throw yourself into married men's arm. You don't respect or love yourself. You fall into married men's lies
" no sex at home" because all they want is under your pants plus if you are married woman, Your husband is cheating on you with another woman like you. Just Being a whore forever with dating married men. I don't believe as a woman you don't consider of wives how much you hurt them.
No wonder, someone like you throw yourself into married men's arm. You don't respect or love yourself. You fall into married men's lies
" no sex at home" because all they want is under your pants plus if you are married woman, Your husband is cheating on you with another woman like you. Just Being a whore forever with dating married men. I don't believe as a woman you don't consider of wives how much you hurt them.
That is a big killer.
With our elongated lifespans, if you are with a partner who has checked out for X reason (fill in blank here), and you try to get it back on track, unsuccessfully (which takes BOTH in the relationship by the way), at age 50 one is looking at a potential of 40 more years of it.
Once the kids are reared then the reasons to stay might not exist.
Options abound, longer lifespans, more economic freedoms and various other factors make staying less palatable.
I see that is not the men who are intiating divorcing, mid life - it is the women. For women in their 40's and beyond, most are NOT divorcing for another partner, they are divorcing to be on their own. And to (maybe) find more robust partners who want sexual intimacy - without shouldering the burdens of marriage.
Sure, some men intiate divorce mid-life, but that is normally because there is someone (who may or may not be much younger in age) waiting in the wings for them.
But the majority of marital midlife changes are intiated by the women.
And I agree with the comments above on the sexless issue. It happens to MEN and WOMEN in marriage. And it will drive a stake through the heart of marriage.
Women may be the initiator of divorce on paper, but those statistics don't tell the whole story. Wives must sometimes initiate the process because the husband simply won't - even though he's moved out of the house and on with someone else.
Divorce atty hear again: yes, women do initiate about 70% of divorces, but it is due to the "fault" of the husband. Initiating/being the Petitioner of the divorce says nothing about what made the marriage end. Men generally want to cheat AND stay married, when a woman is DONE, she is DONE. All the tissues in my law firm go to cheating men who are getting divorced by their wives. Men have a very hard time with divorce--even when it is probably due to their promiscuity/ infidelity.
I'm going to go along with "dissolutiion of a marital sex life," but with a twist. My own wife is on Lexapro which has absolutely murdered her libido. Dealing with my own resentment over something obviously beyond her control is immensely frustrating and while divorce may technically be an option, the circumstances don't make for it a very ethical (to say the least) one.
I guess my eventual point is if one person or other isn't pulling their weight, separation may be justified. In some cases, however, it's no one's fault and things are as they are...
First, there is sex addiction which is a standard dopamine receptor deficits genetic, inherited mental illness.
Then many men, starting age 55 start to experience declines in brain capacities and a rise in disinhibnition. These are the bases for the stereotypes of dirty/grumpy old men.
Many MA+ men lose the "brakes" to their behavior in the frontal lobes.
But actually the incidence of actual extramarital and divorces in later life are trivial. The divorce rate folks is about 3.3%
You called it in my case, Sleep Running. My loving, loyal husband of 25 years abandoned me and our children the day after buying an expensive condo in secret, drained the bank accounts and started frequenting bars, doing drugs and hiring prostitutes. He intends on marrying one next month.
I knew that never in a million years would he set out to crush us unless something was seriously medically wrong with him. A neurologist at a university hospital diagnosed him with frontotemporal dementia, the most common type of young-onset dementia, which is under-recognized and often misdiagnosed, or simply dismissed as a "midlife crisis."
Geez, this makes me feel much better about my divorce after 35 years of marriage. I'm in the 3.3%.
I clicked on your article hoping to find the "three things" that couples do.
It seemed heavily loaded toward the things that men do.
You quote Gottman, but then go into a stereotypical analysis of mid-life marriage collapse...no research. I think, as a psychologist, your readers deserve better.
It would be interesting to hear a discussion about sexual needs of men at midlife, as their bodies change from being strongly driven by hormones to having emotional and sensual needs.
It would be interesting to hear a discussion about marital dissatisfaction associated with the demands of parenting, sometimes leading to couple alienation.
It would be interesting to hear what roles woman play, if any, in the demise of mid-life marriages. Doesn't research show that 60% of marriages are terminated by women?
I think this is right on in many ways. The problem with the no sex, or at the very least, when it becomes much less in midlife can be for many reasons. In my case, it had always been fantastic, then a few years ago, my now ex out of the blue states that "he doesn't think he loves me any more because I am too fat". Thing is, I was not really overweight (maybe 10 lbs at best). Even though he was/is at least 20-30 lbs overweight. That completely rocked me to the core and he would not apologize for it. Just said he was being honest. It completely ruined our marriage in many ways and we went to therapy once over it. He got mad and would not go after that. I believe he said it to sabotage our relationship. Then, he up and left me a little over a year ago, we were divorced within 6 months and that is the end of that. I found out he had been having an affair about the time our divorce was final. Yet, he blamed me for the demise of the marriage. Funny thing is, the woman is younger, however, she is very old looking actually. I am 57 and I look at least 10 years younger than my age. She is 42 and I would say she looks 65. AND, she is quite heavy and pretty unattractive. This is from a man that always critiqued every woman, along with myself as to how we measured up looks/weight-wise. Will never figure it out where he was coming from on all of this. Mostly, I think he just got bored and this was an easy way out. Very sad after 26 years together.
Sorry, but women initiate at least 2/3rds of all divorces at mid life and very few of them are because of infidelity by the husband, so your title needs a lot of work. I think if you added to the list the number of men who file for divorce because they driven away by the perimenopause symptoms of their wives, you'd find it's probably close to 70% of midlife divorces area result of extreme behavior changes in the wife and not the husband..
Most divorces happen at an age when women are going through menopause, because when they lose all their hormones they lose that nurturing need to take care of everyone and think more like a man. They examine their marriage through a microscope. Usually this is the age a man is also going through midlife and his behavior is out of the ordinary and not taking his wife into consideration. When a husband is not treating his wife right and disrespecting her, the wife will not put up with this anymore like she may have in the past. After menopause women refuse to be a doormat. Most men are selfish and want to be served but don't want to serve. Women are just coming to their senses at this age and are fed up. They see more clearly. A woman will stay married to a respectful, considerate man. A woman can only be disrespected so many times. Their comes a point in their life when enough is enough.
I like your response texasmom. Is this something that you have gone through yourself? I am in my 30s and wondering how things will pan out in my future.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.