Three Risk Factors for Mid-Life Marital Collapse

It's sad how this happens in many marriages. It must be difficult to sit in counseling and hear your wife complain but are you really listening to her issues with your marriage? Maybe she is so frustrated because she expects things from you but you're not getting the message. And maybe she isn't hearing your beef either. Getting to the root of the anger is the job of your counsellor and if that is not happening, I suggest you seek out a better "relationship counsellor". Psychiatrists, psychologists and marriage counsellors don't usually get it right. Interview them over the phone first. Tell them you need practical "home work" you can both do with each other to reconnect. Remember what made you fall in love with this person. And when you are thinking you just want to be appreciated and loved, ask yourself if you are doing that for her...not the way you want it but the way she wants it. Read this book "The Five Love Languages" to better understand each other and for gods sake communicate. You certainly can toss in the towel for a younger, prettier model who makes you feel good abut yourself for a while but I guarantee you your children will think you are a gross, dirty old guy for doing that and even if they say they like Kandi or Tiffany, they don't and will think you are a selfish man who doesn't care about his family. When your younger model is finished with you, you will have a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking you were a good example to your kids...unless you are a narcissist. If that's the case, you'll be just fine with your selfish behavior thinking it didn't affect anyone else. If you only knew what your now former friends and family will be saying behind your back you might think twice. Here is something for you to think about. If you had to physically carry and give birth to your children and care and nurture them as much as your wife does , would you expect a little more understanding and patience and help from your partner? Good men get this. Be that good man so she can be the kind of loving wife you want. Please, stick it out and put effort into your marriage, real effort. It is NOT greener on the other side once the honeymoon is over and you will have lost so much more than your family.

What have you been doing to keep your wife interested?

No, You'll end up alone with your golf clubs unless you have money. The young girls of around 35 won't be around for more than a date or two if you don't. These days, just like in the old days, woman want a roof over their heads with some respect. Really, there is no equality between the sexes anywhere in the US. Women in most professions are treated like toss aways long before retirement. So think long and hard at the boobs and ass you're looking at. Too bad I can't get you in touch with my ex. He knows.

Sorry to pour cold water on your theory, but my husband cheated on me and we were having sex 4-5 times a week. We are extremely sexually compatible and have always had a great sex life together. Sex will not keep a man from cheating however.

I resent the fact that are you are blaming the woman for "letting herself go" Thats a convient excuse to allow you or whoever to do what they selfishly want. Life happens as you age and to think it won't is narcissistic. Even if it were true, helping and supporting each other is a much better avenue then tossing her aside so your ego can be boosted.

Now I'm worried, my husband and are both in our 40's and have 3 kids. I have recently discovered that he has been paying for sex. We have sex at least twice a week, I am slim and physically fit and have always been told I look younger than my age.
He is very remorseful and is now attending AA as he is a big drinker, gambler and has been into coke when younger. He has a good well paid job and is fun, confident and outgoing. He has lots friends and his behavior is socially acceptable around his like minded peers. I'm the big party pooper that tries to get him to stay in more or do things with the family. He quite happily goes out drinking at lunchtime on a Saturday and come home at 4am on Sunday.
He slept with the whores on business trips. He wouldn't let that interfere with drinking time at weekends.
We are British expats living in Asia so he travels a lot.
He was definitely an alcoholic before we got here.
I am now in therapy and have very low self esteem and extreme anger towards him and myself.
Being tested for stds was one of the most humiliating things I've ever done.
Luckily I'm ok.
I am getting through this difficult period by relying on AA to to sort him out and hope he sees the error of his ways and the damage he has caused to his neglected family.
After reading this article I'm beginning to think AA is a waste of time and he was just a narcissist all along.

Husband is fat and diabetic with a low sex drive. Does nothing to help himself. I need regular sex. Enough said. Either I cheat or leave.

I've been single for 20 years, and divorced my husband for reasons that had nothing to do with either one of us having an affair. It was a great marriage with lots of intimacy. 20 years later, I still look much the same as I did then. (Exercise, diet, and taking advantage of a relatively recent breakthroughs in regenerative medicine.) I still have some trouble attracting men my age; they always go for women much, much younger. I'm committed to staying in great shape, and, money allowing, will take advantage of every breakthrough in life extension technology.

In the course of being single, I have seen men leave their middle-aged wives for younger women. Do the women let themselves go? Well, up to a point. Middle age is middle age, and, until doctors give us the fountain of youth, we are going to look and act middle aged. I spend enormous sums of money trying to stay youthful looking, so I can imagine that women who are on a budget will not be able to compete.

My male friends are very hard on middle aged women, even going as far as to be quite abusive about it. If they see a woman who is 10 pounds overweight, they point out how ugly she is, and how her husband should feel free to hook up with the 20 year old in the office. I have had numerous men confide in me that they no longer think their wives are attractive, even though their wives are attractive for middle-aged women. So it's unclear to me that it's the woman who is the problem.

I fume every time I hear that middle-aged women are just not attractive enough. I get it...it's mother natures way of shouldering aside those who are not that important to the human species because they can't reproduce.

I live in an upscale neighborhood. I know of one high-profile divorce where the man took up with a young woman from a foreign country. His wife was involved in community affairs and raised three fantastic children. She devoted her life to this man.
I've gotten to know the wife extremely well. She's a beautiful woman and fun to be with. Yet the man upended both of their lives to run away with an extremely opportunistic woman.

Until scientists come up with the magic youth formula, there is no way we can compete, no matter how hard we try. However, we know scientists won't come up with such a solution because half of our economy is devoted to the practice of discarding women when their time is up. (Divorce lawyers, counselors, and financial planners are just a few of the many predators I can name.) I've had more than one friend whose money got churned away by unscrupulous "wealth advisors."

My parents had it right: a good mix of everything - including intimacy. They did not have much but appreciated eachother.....it was not perfect, but it worked and they enjoyed what they had....especially having to have worked for everything they had. It worked because they were committed. No rethinking, no comparing. Both of them worked, cooked, vacuumed...etc. Hats off to anyone still comitted to and capable of keeping it simple......while pursuing the best life possible - within your realistic (remember realism?) reach. And, .........................did I say and?........................ Happy through out the process!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sweet it is!

The sex was great before my husband and I married It was not until after he came home from the submarine service 3 and a half years after our wedding that things went sideways. It was a suggestion by his father to get him in line with the social structure to not start a marital sex life until my husband was compliant with the conservative communities needs.

My husband would take the stress and throw it back in my and everyone else face He proved to be inflexible about trying other ways to get what he wanted at work without going straight to his union contract and the use of his seniority. When I wanted just some kind of negotiation after 1998 all I would get was a growl, a no he was not going to do it that way and I had not earned my right as a wife to even ask since I had been denying sex since may 28th 1985. then he started hurting people that wanted him to back off what he wanted.If any of us tried to use none violent means such as putting his passport in a safe deposit and get it back after the next Christmas to take his vacation and personal time in a way that enabled all in the 8000 person workforce. Instead when i gave his father his passport to hold him at work in the summer vacations when I came home from my tri year trips to Europe hoping that that time we could start some meaningful negotiation about needs over seniority rights.

From 2003 to 2009 stepping off the flight home hoping that maybe he would not be there except to listen to our ideas about how he take his time off, it was not insult but direct assault getting his passport returned in 2003 it was a slap that put me on my rear in the bank as he slammed his father off walls yelling he would get into his box and return his federal ID. He was not leaving any leeway that he would kill one of us if he did not get his passport back. when all we wanted was that he take his time after the new year. in 2006 after getting off the flight from Stockholm he body slammed his father to the pavement then slapped me to the ground where he kicked me in the belly as i cried ok I will get him his passport back please don't hurt me again over not getting a summer vacation. He was getting the people that were not authorized the time but took it knowing we were going to stop him, they lost their jobs many had two or three kids to our none thanks to me not allowing a sex life until he willingly cooperated, and stopped thinking of seniority rights as the absolute final decider. then in 2009 we switched to just canceling the vacation he wanted to go on with the Orient express. I was coming home after making an alternate vacation for him in the virgin islands in january, he decided to have his father and I put in county jail for what was fraud on our part in cancelling his berth. then after getting ill in the fall of that year he expected since he was being retired that we would allow him home on the holidays, He punished us until he died in June 2018. In 2013 deciding that if i said no to sex one more time I was going to die for using him just as a piggy bank. I was set to go out to a community awards dinner with my husbands parents and his fathers best friend when my husband came home from rehab and the regional mental health to try and ascertain how much anger he was carrying. He tore my dress off, then everything else as I plead things did not have to come to what it had, couldn't we just talk after the dinner come up with a way civilly to solve the problems we had all created him by dismissing us as stupid about union rights and us for trying to control what he did in the society which should have never been tried on my part, I was crying I was sorry for the way he was treated by me and e4veryone else but he was always so inflexible please I did not want him to do what he was going to do in anger.

At 48 years old i ended up pregnant in that anger that evening, a friend was thrown over the deck rail into the driveway face first when my husband told him he was not welcome in his home to say anything to me. and the entire family was at each others throat. In 2014 on Christmas day after being tossed out his front door he came back in on horseback holding a 30 30 on everyone telling everyone they were free to leave including me after we had begged him to go any where but home there were many of the invited guests in our home that just did not want him there. One man just starting to reach for his pistol was told by my husband if he lifted his weapon he would have his brains all over the wall and my husband really did not want to clean it.

Most of my friends left hungry that Christmas because my husband was just not going to be nice about not being in his home until after everyone left we would have called him home on his cell to get what he wanted, but it was his way in his home or we could die trying to get him to back down. Surrender was not in his nature. it was take the hill or die on the advance.

You mean to tell the world that it's all the woman's fault? You've got to be joking, men pull away and become very null and void also. Finding someone new is not the answer, finding yourself during a mid life crisis is more important than bringing a new person into your crisis. Point proven, men become selfish and want something new, so they push the old out. Get over yourself and fix you before destroying someone else

Well I guess I'm just a cliche then because my husband left me for a much younger woman. I know of two other couples where this happened as well. Oh, by the way, I didn't opt out - I loved him, but he still chose to leave me and our son.

What about your hubby? Does he know your cheating or is this a
mutually consent action on both your part? If you are both on
the same page more power to you--I'm not. My soon to be x-spouse
was having an affair & I caught them--he denied it but I had a PI
investigate. What I saw of this MISTRESS/GOLDDIGGER was a very
unattractive person, married 3 times and I was able to talk to husband #3. After many conversations with this #3 victim my soon to be x-spouse has met his match. Both are liars, cheaters & thieves.
They deaerve each other. In the meantime I know what he lost and
what I have gained---many caring children, family, friends and
currently still making many good quality friendships. I'm enjoying what I have missed out on the past 44 years. A new wonderful, meaningful and fulfilling life. The x-spouse was always a narcissistic person and it takes this type to CHEAT.
If your spouse does not know your outside behavior how would you
feel if he found out about your promiscuoous behavior?

Hmmmm, thats what they are telling you. You can't be that naive? What else would they tell you, that all is great at home. How much sympathy do you they would get if they said that?
Hmmmm!

You believe the men you are sleeping with? Your cheating on your husband and why? My ex before the divorce stopped having sex with me because he was already seeing another woman. I always gave him sex every time he wanted it. I always tried my best to make him happy, let me tell you this, if a woman is going to offer free sex, then a man will take it, I don't wish divorce on anyone, you really should think about working on your marriage because you may regret it someday.

No wonder, someone like you throw yourself into married men's arm. You don't respect or love yourself. You fall into married men's lies
" no sex at home" because all they want is under your pants plus if you are married woman, Your husband is cheating on you with another woman like you. Just Being a whore forever with dating married men. I don't believe as a woman you don't consider of wives how much you hurt them.

No wonder, someone like you throw yourself into married men's arm. You don't respect or love yourself. You fall into married men's lies
" no sex at home" because all they want is under your pants plus if you are married woman, Your husband is cheating on you with another woman like you. Just Being a whore forever with dating married men. I don't believe as a woman you don't consider of wives how much you hurt them.

Women may be the initiator of divorce on paper, but those statistics don't tell the whole story. Wives must sometimes initiate the process because the husband simply won't - even though he's moved out of the house and on with someone else.

My God! An adult. Good for you.

You called it in my case, Sleep Running. My loving, loyal husband of 25 years abandoned me and our children the day after buying an expensive condo in secret, drained the bank accounts and started frequenting bars, doing drugs and hiring prostitutes. He intends on marrying one next month.

I knew that never in a million years would he set out to crush us unless something was seriously medically wrong with him. A neurologist at a university hospital diagnosed him with frontotemporal dementia, the most common type of young-onset dementia, which is under-recognized and often misdiagnosed, or simply dismissed as a "midlife crisis."

Geez, this makes me feel much better about my divorce after 35 years of marriage. I'm in the 3.3%.

Most divorces happen at an age when women are going through menopause, because when they lose all their hormones they lose that nurturing need to take care of everyone and think more like a man. They examine their marriage through a microscope. Usually this is the age a man is also going through midlife and his behavior is out of the ordinary and not taking his wife into consideration. When a husband is not treating his wife right and disrespecting her, the wife will not put up with this anymore like she may have in the past. After menopause women refuse to be a doormat. Most men are selfish and want to be served but don't want to serve. Women are just coming to their senses at this age and are fed up. They see more clearly. A woman will stay married to a respectful, considerate man. A woman can only be disrespected so many times. Their comes a point in their life when enough is enough.