3 Things to Do Before Going No-Contact

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If you read my recent post on going no-contact, you know that I am passionate about the idea that most relationship breakups are unnecessary.

I heard from many people; most thanked me for my insights, and some chided me for suggesting that there are any alternatives to going no-contact with the so-called "toxic" people in their lives.

At once, I began to feel an old familiar feeling that is prevalent in the world today: the either/or, polarized thinking that characterizes much political discourse. That black-and-white thinking has, in my opinion, been destructive, causing intolerance and even hatred.

With regard to the topic of ending important relationships, a similar dichotomy has emerged: Either you save your soul (and even your life) by saying goodbye to toxic people, or you focus on what's good in people and learn ways to handle challenging aspects of their personalities without having to cut them out of your life.

It would be great if choices in life were so clear cut.

They're not.

I also realized that I was part of the problem.

My optimism about the possibilities of restoring love under most circumstances sometimes reads as an oversimplification, as judgmental of those who make different choices.

So, I want to set the record straight: Although I am a diehard relationship restorer, there truly are some relationships that have to end. Over the years, I have worked with people whose painful childhood stories would make anyone cry, because there are abusive people in the world. There are toxic relationships. There are times when ending a relationship IS life-saving.

I also don't believe for a second that when most people decide to go no-contact, they do it frivolously. They don't. I know that it is a difficult, often excruciating decision.

So, here's my bottom line: Rather than debate the merits of choosing to end a relationship versus finding healthy ways to mend it, I'm proposing that people do several things to aid in the decision about the best possible route for them.

1. Remember that you are the expert on your own life.

Regardless of what anyone else says, you are the expert on your own life. You know yourself the best. Your gut is the best GPS when encountering crossroads in your life. It’s better than advice from a therapist, a family member, or a friend.

Plus, you’re the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choices. That’s why it’s important to take your time with this most important decision.

The fact that you know yourself best doesn’t mean you have to decide your best path on your own. In fact, it’s a good idea to get some help.

There’s a saying, “Let me see what I say, so I know what I think.” Discussing your situation with a skilled, empathetic, resourced listener can help access your inner compass.

2. Get qualified relationship-oriented help.

Bias alert: I am extremely biased about the importance of choosing a relationship-oriented therapist if you seek professional help. Here’s why: Individual therapy is very different than relationship therapy. Individual therapists are likely to focus on your childhood, helping you to connect the dots about how you were raised and how those experiences have impacted on who you are today. Another goal is to help people get more in touch with personal feelings, gain insight about themselves as individuals.

Relationship therapists are more focused on understanding the patterns between you and other important people in your life, and helping you decipher what works, what doesn’t, and offering skills to improve these connections.

Since deciding whether or not to work on or leave a relationship is a relationship issue, seeking help from someone who specializes in repairing broken relationships seems like a reasonable place to start.

One more word about therapy: Regardless of the kind of therapy you choose, know that all therapists are biased. Their life experiences guide them in the way they practice their therapy model. That’s true for everyone, whether they know it, or admit it or not. When you to go a therapist, what you really get is the person behind the therapy model.

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It's true for me. My dedication to helping people work things out stems from my parents’ divorce when I was 16, a divorce that I believe to this day was avoidable.

It’s true for other therapists too.

You might even consider asking your therapist whether he or she has ended relationships with parents, other family members, or long-term friends. Know your therapist’s values. Values count tremendously.

3. Don’t make a decision without inviting your family member to join you in therapy.

Even if you have hit dead ends incessantly, or knocked your head against the wall a million times, please don’t end a relationship without inviting that person to join you in therapy with a skilled relationship therapist. (I firmly believe that no therapist should offer a diagnosis without having met the person he or she is diagnosing. Diagnoses blame other people and shut down possibilities for change.)

Although there are no guarantees that therapy will work, it is possible that with guidance, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I have seen it happen thousands of times.

This is what relationship therapists do best: They find creative ways to alter unhealthy patterns of interaction, resulting in life-changing improvements in long-standing problems.

This does not work with everyone. Some family members refuse to get help. Others might come, but be so resistant and defensive that nothing changes.

But since ending a relationship is one of life’s most impactful decisions, why not be able to tell yourself that you left no stone unturned? Why not know in your heart of hearts you tried everything?

If you or someone you know is at that critical juncture of deciding to repair or end a relationship, please know that I have utmost respect for the courage it takes to face that daunting task.

Life isn't easy. Relationships are hard. We all do the best we can with the tools we have.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.