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Michele Weiner-DavisFounder of DivorceBusting.com
For the past two decades I have devoted myself to helping couples work out their differences in order to keep their marriages and families together. This marriage-saving passion is not based on religious beliefs nor do I think that divorce is morally wrong. My divorce busting bias is simply based on my firm conviction that the vast majority of problems that people are experiencing when they consider divorce are, without question, solvable. Over the years, I’ve had countless experiences of helping near-the-brink couples reinvest in their marriages and fall back in love again. That being said, there is one particular situation that I find particularly challenging: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome.
Do you know that two-thirds of all the divorces that are filed in our country are filed by women? This is not to say that women take their commitment to their marriages lightly. They don’t. Most believe that they have tried everything humanly possible to turn things around before throwing in the towel. Nonetheless, women are walking away from their marriages in droves. Why? Although there are a variety of reasons that might account for this mass exiting, there is one that, in my mind, stands out above the rest.
During the early years of marriage, a woman tends to be the emotional caretaker of her relationship. She makes certain her marriage remains a priority, insisting on quality time together, meaningful conversation and shared activities. When a woman feels close to her husband, all is right in the world. However, if the marriage takes a back seat to other commitments, she pursues her husband for more connection by having frequent heart-to-heart talks. If these tête-à-têtes are successful, the marriage blossoms. If not, her complaints are no longer confined to her feeling unimportant. She begins to find fault with many other aspects of their relationship. He hears, “If I had known what kind of father you’d be, I never would have had children with you,” or “Why can’t you pick up after yourself? You’re just like one of the kids.”
Suffice it to say, these complaints hardly prompt him to want to spend more time with her. And so she quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m out of here.”
Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. The absence of complaints has their husbands believing that things have improved; they’re out of the dog house. “No news is good news,” they tell themselves as they obliviously continue to lead separate lives. But then “D-Day” arrives and their wives inform them that the marriages are over, triggering shock and devastation. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this unhappy,” these men protest, words that finally nail the marital coffin shut. It is then that they start to recognize the importance of their wives and their children. They become desperate to save their marriages.
It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom. I can tell you firsthand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can, seek spiritual connection, and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.
But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man. I’m often successful, but this is one of the trickiest clinical knots to untie. I’d much prefer that couples really grasped the concept that time together is of utmost importance and that nagging, though well-intended, almost always backfires. That’s why I’m a huge proponent of marriage education. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is another matter. People need information and skills to stay in love. If I had my way, I’d teach myself out of a job.
so not true
Submitted by tphelps on March 31, 2013 - 11:24pm
I've been married for 19 years to the same man and we have 6 children. I have been through 4 years of marriage counseling and NOTHING has change.. the last thing our counselor said to me was You have a choice to make you can either stay knowing he is not going to change and make you a priority or you can get out and move on with your life. that was two years ago. I have recently decided to get out of this loveless marriage and move on with my life working on making myself happy. My soon to be ex husband found this site and now wants me to "take down my wall" so he can make changes.. and I really don't care what changes he makes, I no longer love him.. let alone I don't like him either. I don't feel that I have a syndrome. I feel that I have given up 19 years of my life to make a man happy and got nothing in return.
You are NOT a WAW
Submitted by Anonymous on July 18, 2013 - 1:09pm
I feel your pain. You made your issues known & went to MC for years. The failure of the marriage is on him. For me though, I'd give him one final shot because maybe it took him a lot longer to realize the seriousness of your unhappiness. He should have woken up a long time ago though, I get it.
For me, the WAW is the one who does NOT go to MC, only drops subtle hints of being "unhappy" over time & then wakes up one day and says, "it's over, I'm outta here" & never gives her spouse a fighting chance to save the marriage.
There are a HUGE number of women out there that DON'T want to go through the WORK required to fix the marriage & only see the positives of shedding themselves of their spouses, getting a nice financial settlement, & being single again. Kind of "hitting the reset button" so to speak.
Those women mystify me. So selfish. They don't care about the impact on their spouses or kids. It's "all about them". A shame.
don't group all of us together
Submitted by Anonymous on October 30, 2013 - 8:28am
Without knowing all the details of a relationship, you can't just say that walk away wives don't want to go through the work to fix a marriage. What if the husband doesn't want to go through the work to fix it. I have been married over 20 years. My husband has some sort of 'episode' every time we have to do anything with my side of the family, so that he starts a fight, which he then says is my fault because I pushed him. He has episodes because he is diabetic and when he needs to eat he doesn't recognize it. He has walked away from us when we are on vacation because we didn't answer him quickly enough or he didn't like our answer. He is manipulative. I have two teenage children who see it and don't understand it. I feel I've enabled his bad behavior for way to many years by trying to 'make nice' when he has these tantrums, and they leave me feeling less as a person and I question what I am doing to my kids. I am planning on leaving once I can get a plan. He won't take it well but I guarentee he also will be mean and nasty about the whole thing. I should have left long ago but always worried he'd lump the kids in with his feelings for me, so I didn't. He has his moments where he is a good parent, but also those where he is not. So I have waited, but a few recent incidents have been the last straw. So don't always blame the wife. Sometimes we feel trapped and that we have no choice but to do things that way.
Dont group us together
Submitted by Bear on January 18, 2014 - 9:26pm
My Reply In the Context of I was that man and lived that Life
I was that husband that you so describe.I started to do the work and make real changes. The ones that your soul embraces and love for your family becomes the driving force. I started to analyze myself and all the things I could do better and reaching deep into self evaluation of my actions, which
started a year before you left, I was able to open my heart and do this for myself to make our lives consistant and healthy. I have learned that there is a better way to communicate based on all of the love and understanding you have shown me through the years. I have struggled with the diabetic
at times and should have been more consistant with eating and medication updates. I did appreciate all of the times that you would fix my lunch and make sure that I was eating consistand and healthy.
You know that I have given up manipulative actions because they are not healthy and took real steps through spiritulism and counceling so this would not be a rift in our feelIings and relationship. I have spent most of the year before you left the houshold trying to understand the pain I caused our teenage children and reestablish and explain the times that I was not connected and absent from there growth. My love for you and the family was my driving force to let the pain of a hurtful childhood go and never let it's influence into our family enviroment again.
I was unaware of some of the things that were going wrong and needed boundries. When you set boundries firmly in place, I think that you were suprised by how much it opened my eyes. I Listened. Given change that I continued after you left, I have never wanted you to feel that you had to make nice. I realized that I was talking over your voice and it is your voice that makes my heart melt. I fell in Love with the strong independant person that was You. You have changed during are relationship and I accept that You need to be you. I recogonize that was not the message I was sending. I have learned to feel real emotion and empathy to recognize fully the emotional needs of a healthy family by destroying all the walls around me that were built up through the years. I have been quilty in the past of making excuses for visiting family. This past couple of years, I have bonded with your family and I do like going and seeing them. I did not take you leaving well to your apartment with the boys, but I never turned to anger and only expressed hurt. I expresssed what continued action I would take to never put all of us in that inconsistant eviroment again. We have both made mistakes, I have stepped forward and acknowledged my short comings. In the end you decided that your vow to not open your heart up to your great love was greater than are marriage vows. It took courage to overcome and face my fears and hope one day you can do the same and recognize that I will do every day the work that is
required to fix a marriage and restore lost trust and promote love, respect, Faith, and committment.
The changes are real and I miss you all everyday. I know you are in your place of safety. It does take two to resolve issues in marriage and we not alway been on the same page. I have moved forward several pages and if you could turn back one, together we can rewrite the ending to this story. You are so angry at times when I try to talk to you. I am Sry I did not do more sooner and was only the person I was on that day. It hurts everyday to come home and the house is empty and not filled with life. I will continue to show you and tell you how much I love you and the boys. I have always worked hard and supported you, the work I did now is much more rewarding than any job, it is for the most precious thing in life. Family .
RE: Don't group together
Submitted by Lonnie Bessette on August 27, 2014 - 6:09pm
I'm so touched by your message to your wife and kids I'am a 48 year old man and had my wife of 13 years run off on my kids and myself and it was at the worst time in my life she was a alcoholic and I sure I was not easy to live with but going thurgh that made me a better man and I feel my kids were better off. anyway I feel your pain and I'am happy for you that you have lived thurgh all of that and became a better man for it I hope your wife can see what you have done to better yourself and find it in her heart to try and make the family work god bless her for dealing with all the bullshit for all them years and if she is reading this I truly feel your ex husband has taken the right steps to becoming a better husband and father but most of all a better man PLEASE find it in your heart to try and put this family right? God bless
Most guys wish
Submitted by Mike on December 3, 2018 - 2:21am
Most guys wish their wife would run out on them and leave them the kids... Women are extremely hateful when they have custodial power
Absolutely true.
Submitted by Gary Sutherland on April 3, 2019 - 11:07pm
Anonymous wrote:Most guys wish their wife would run out on them and leave them the kids... Women are extremely hateful when they have custodial power
The worst thing i can wish on a child outside of the obvious indictable offenses. is to give sole custody to the mother who ran away. It takes a family to raise a child, and as a man who grew up without a father i can tell you that i had a hell of a hard time crawling out of the echo chamber that was my mom and her friends. Women don't realize it. (if they do then that is worse.) but when you get together and bash the kid's father, or boys/men in general you whittle away at any respect the kid has for you later in life.
If stupid shit like leaving the socks on the floor annoys you to the point you want to run out and bone the nearest 20 something you are not fit to be a wife, much less a mother.
> If stupid shit like leaving
Submitted by Tom on August 1, 2019 - 4:45pm
> If stupid shit like leaving the socks on the floor annoys you to the point you want to run out and bone the nearest 20 something you are not fit to be a wife, much less a mother.
In functional partnership, when one partner is annoyed by something easy to fix in 5 seconds and generally accepted as normal behavior, the other respects that. When one of partners decides that it is not worth it, because who cares, the other has to emotionally detach. Being checked out and emotionally checked out is what allows one to say the divorce word. It is ignoring her annoyances that done it. A bit by bit, piece by piece, eventually she came to terms with the fact that the partner does not care about what annoys her. Eventually she learns to not care that partner does not care.
Before she says divorce, she has to be ok with consequences, otherwise it would be stupid to risk marriage you care about. But, once you are ok with those consequences and ok with idea of marriage end, following through is just about following a plan. At that point, it is done and over. If it would not be over, she would not asked for divorce, she would ask you to put away socks or whatever.
At that point, she came to terms with the fact that partner does not care about her feelings - changes after that are result of power play anyway. Coming back and changing opinion after that is equivalent with using divorce threat for getting ones way. At that point, the only way to not be manipulative and not be accused is to follow up.
Lastly, most of them wont bone 20years old young dudes. They wont be desperate for same age partners either. That is just wish for revenge talking. Most of them will be living without partner and with less money then they had during marriage, but also happier because they wont worry about relationship anymore.
Stupid Shit Like Socks?
Submitted by Cee Jay Kay on August 2, 2019 - 12:55pm
I'm pretty certain no human would divorce their SO over something like socks on the floor, which makes this article equally stupid.
Being treated like less than an equal, daily emotional and psychological abuse, with some physical abuse thrown in from time to time seems more like it. The problem is that the SO who is abusing their spouse doesn't see their behavior as abusive, so when their SO leaves, they are flabbergasted. THEY didn't do ANYTHING wrong! Their SO was just mean hearted and took advantage of them. Generally abusers believe they gave their all, and the walk away spouse was cruel. Nope. The SO who walked away was concerned about self preservation.
Most guys wish
Submitted by Vern on August 9, 2019 - 4:24pm
Man, you are sooooo right.. If you knew what I was going thru and yeah my wife walked away only I was very sick. She said something like I don't want to support you. Idk how someone who claims they loved you can do that then not let you see your kids.. Get a new man without saying a word then having that new man tell you the now old man that he is now the dad of your kids and that if you behave yourself I might let you visit the kids under his supervision.. This mind you coming from the lips of a convicted felon who beat hi sex wife on at least 3 occasions. Then having been served to bogus protection orders for trying to tell her you to want to file for custody since the kids are obviously being treated to PAS parent alienation syndrome... Yeah tell me about it, brother, I am living it and if I could go back in time and kick my ass for meeting her, I would! This is all happening now in tribal and district court.. I only wanted to hang with my children I didn't care what she was doing she got mad at me fr really no reason and became super vindictive and secretive... I have lost a job because of this and her BS, She is abusing our children with this guy who is in own right is a class a jerk so yeah I have been pushed so far by a court system that ironically in my area all women..go figure. even the lawyers I have to choose from all women.. I feel like I am on an auction block!
Mothers raising sons
Submitted by Laina B on August 6, 2018 - 10:30pm
Does it ever cross anyone's mind that the way mothers raise their sons, and how they are treated by the fathers of their sons, has a HUGE impact on how those boys will turn out as men?
My ex mother-in-law ran around on her husband with anyone that would have her. And everyone knew it. All 6 of her sons married and divorced. None of the sons trusted their wives, even though every one had ladies nothing like their trashy mother. The only daughter broke up her best friend's relationship, and married him.
Various scenerios with the fathers can affect how children view marriage, too.
The worst husband creating overall culture of mothers are Italians. Notice how many Italian men don't marry til their mother's die. It will be that way forever.
Exactly - what examples do we set?
Submitted by AF Whigs on November 5, 2018 - 1:24pm
My parents stayed together until my dad died about 15 years ago. I believe they were happy, and I never saw any evidence of either of them fooling around. My wife's parents split when she was 2 - her dad ran off with a woman 20 years his junior (and a student of his) to "follow his dreams" in California. Her dad was constantly cheating and was always quick to rationalize his behavior. My wife's mother was a mostly-absent alcoholic single mother. Difficult circumstances, certainly, but as a result of her absence my wife was molested by a family member for years.
All of this is to say that the examples we set for our children are so important. My wife has repeatedly "almost cheated" with older men during our marriage, and has cheated once with a close friend of mine.
My main fear is that her behavior will influence our kids. We've been through counseling a few times, and we're supposedly good right now, but now she's getting involved with a guy 20 years older who looks a lot like her dad.
Honesty is a fluid commodity with some people. But pretending to be a good person only goes so far. Our actions are noticed by others and our children will see what we've done. Raising our kids "right" - with hopefully a decent moral compass, is so important, but it becomes difficult when one parent is so unscrupulous.
I don't claim to be perfect, but I've never even thought about cheating on my wife.
Women Who Leave
Submitted by GGSmith on August 6, 2018 - 1:49am
i hear you and agree with you too,
it is not right this so called advice counselor shaming wives not to leave when in reality that there husband are the ones making life for them hell and the husband will Not change should us ex wives suffer for them >>>??
NO WAY !!!
this is not the 1880s anymore ,...
women should never put up with abuse of any kind ,...
mostly when the so called husband is not trying change for the better for the marriage and most do not !!!
it is no shame for women wives to leave !! GET OUT!!
RE: Women Who Leave
Submitted by ChuckW008 on November 9, 2018 - 2:25pm
I didn't think the writer was trying to say that women should stay in these types of marriages, I think she's saying that for those who want to save and see counseling as a last resort are able to use therapy to get their husbands to fix their issues. By no means should anyone stay in a marriage if their partners are making their lives a living hell.
If someone is putting in the effort to communicate and the other person doesn't want to change, by all means get out so you can get on with your life.
Yeah? Well don't always blame the husband
Submitted by Anonymous on May 9, 2019 - 12:36am
You are so quick to lump all men in the same category and blame them for the problems in the marriage, exactly what you claim we men do. You are such a hypocrite! I feel sorry for the next man who falls in love with you!
AMEN
Submitted by Bob Allison on May 21, 2019 - 10:00pm
My wife is a hoarder. Her car is filled with trash from fast food places. My house (which was paid off before we were married) is full of trash. Spare bedrood is filled shoulder height with trash. Every closet besides mine if full of trash. Behind the dryer I recently pulled out a trashbag full of dryer lint. I have asked many times for her to stop. She is JUST TOO LAZY to carry it 2 ft to the trash. I have a backpack full of supplies to live in the woods full time. That day is coming. My ex wife is dead. Killed by her 5th husband. I was her first. He killed her because she was having an affair. Yes, he was psychotic, but I don't blame him. She had at least 7 while we were married. Men aren't the blame for all these. Quit lying to us.
Hey you know what? My "wife"
Submitted by Anonymous on May 28, 2019 - 7:26pm
Hey you know what? My "wife" never worked through her severe childhood trauma, and has taken it out on me. I worked my self nearly to death, while she is off with friends and travels all over the world. She never brought a dime into the marriage, and refused to share the single asset she had. She resented having a child, and I felt I had to stand in between until she was old enough to be a girlfriend. We were suppositively working things out, but somehow I am bad, as I come home from work and rest, and maybe read or watch a video. Mind you she has been to Greece, Rome, Boston multiple times, New York, etc etc in the last 4 years. I have had 12 weeks vacation in 32 years. What utter bullshit. But of course it is all my fault. She, of course should not have to supply any need, or even such lowly contribution like washing my clothes alone with everyone else's, or cooking meals, or..., anything. God damn it!
just a suggestion
Submitted by agoodstarrt on December 9, 2019 - 2:50am
Just a suggestion but I highly recommend you quit doing so many things with "your side of the family" especially vacations. In laws are nothing but trouble to a marriage. Whatever you do not take your in laws on vacation with you and your husband and kids. This is a recipe for disaster.
This reply hits home
Submitted by Brandon on November 14, 2013 - 1:55pm
This reply really hits home. This just happened to me. My wife would drop hints about being unhappy after she asked for (and I resisted, due to money concerns) counseling the prior year. Slowly, the intimacy and nagging tapered off this year - how very little did I know this was a death knell sounding in the distance.
4 days before our second anniversary, I called her and said, "I'm making the appointment with the marriage counselor tomorrow" and the next day, she left, only to return for her clothes. After only one month (during which I started IC, MC for a couple sessions until she quit due to "lack of energy"), she told me she can "forgive you [for the transgressions she's resented me for in her mind over the years] but I can't be with you and forgive you". Some forgiveness. As soon as I was awake to the serious nature of what I had, I started to act...but it was too late - she was out the door. Then, constant girls' nights out to shady bars, female strip clubs and more. And that was HER! Meanwhile, I wrote her a love song, got flowers multiple times, sent meaningful notes/cards, read all the self-help books I could and did my best to respect her wishes as my world fell apart. After all this, she still rejects me and says she no longer loves me. The magnitude of the hurt is staggering, simply staggering.
Within 30 days, I went from being excited about being married for two years to reviewing a divorce settlement.
Men - listen to your wives.
Women - TOLERATE your husbands, and GIVE THEM A CHANCE. You may think you've given them many, many chances, but unless the message gets through in LANGUAGE THEY CAN UNDERSTAND, the scenarios in this article will play out, resulting in hurt all around. And maybe try to express your needs with words, rather than using words to excoriate your husband for simply "not meeting needs".
Now, I have to start to pick up the pieces and figure out how to get myself in shape to face the world without a partner, make hard changes at a near-impossible time in my life, and figure out when to start dating again. I never identified with being a bad husband and I don't see myself as a bad man; I feel that I never got an honest shot and that both my wife & I will feel regret. I resolve to be a great 2nd husband and hope I can find someone with whom I can experience the mutual love, respect, adoration and intimacy I deserve.
this reply hits home
Submitted by John H on October 24, 2015 - 1:42am
Did it ever occur to you, Brandon, that husbands are hearing the message loud and clear, they just don't like being constantly told what sorry MFs they are, especially at the end of a hard day at work when they realize life has passed them by and all they have to show for it is a shrew for a wife, spoiled brats for children, and a dark, damp corner in the basement of the home they bought and paid for that they can call their own space.
Marriage
Submitted by Cat J on November 5, 2015 - 4:48am
At least you provided your wife with a house! I paid the deposit for ours but clearly remote controlled helicopters and various other expensive hobbies and failing to pay child support for children from previous relationships preclude home ownership and a decent financial future. I guess I'm just a bitch with high expectations!!!!
Cat J & Marriage
Submitted by John H on November 14, 2015 - 6:35am
Well, Cat, you need to thank your fellow females for the extreme anti-father, anti-male bias in the family court system. Men didn't ask to be treated like third class citizens with no value other than drones whose sole purpose in life is to provide for women.
poor you .. John
Submitted by ggsmith on August 6, 2018 - 11:43pm
John H OH POOR YOU,..BOO FUCKING HOO,..
MOST therapists KNOW THAT MEN DO NOT GET HELP ...
AND TRY CHANGE,..
WEAR WOMEN CHANGE FOR THE BETTER,..
Yep. Classic femistarded
Submitted by Mario Rodgers on September 14, 2018 - 7:05pm
Yep. Classic femistarded male bashing shame language.
Women are the string pullers! We blame men, but it is all us.
Submitted by amy. on October 10, 2018 - 11:49am
NO, stop men bashing. The saddest part is that ALL women since time began hold the keys. A woman must choose wisely and treat kindly. OK, sounds great right? NO, women out there, learn from the wisest of all women, our ancestors. I was taught we hold it all in our hands. Men will fall over their own feet for you, take care of you, stay true to you, but you have to know HOW to treat them. They are simple, they are purely here for us. So, if you pick a GOOD man, learn their language and understand their value, you will never have all of these stupid things you all say men are or did. YES, if you pick a loser, you are at fault. Period. Good men stay good, period. Women are not taught to be a woman, they are now being taught it is a competition. That is why all the bashing is what you see here. Men, start your own movement. Women bash you in ways you don't even see. I see it every day on commercials, in the grocery store, in my own family. Women think men are all dick, and only good for a paycheck, or take the kids off our hands, so we can have "girls" night. I have the best husband, we only want to hang out with each other first, he wants me, I want him only. I make him feel like he is the smartest best handsomest guy, and I get everything. Even though I know I am setting the tone, I know women have the keys, we set the tone, we make it good, or bad. It is the truth!!
Marriage
Submitted by Zak T on April 16, 2018 - 12:48pm
I wouldn't say you're a "bitch with high expectations". If all is as you say, I'd say that you just didn't pay attention to all of that before getting married. If anything, marrying a guy with all those issues should be considered "low expectations". Remember, guys aren't houses, you can't fix one up in 3 months and live happily ever after. Same goes for women.
NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLES
Submitted by I HATE NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLES on August 6, 2018 - 11:47pm
when dating maybe a man should more HONEST ABOUT HIMSELF !!! AND BE REAL STOP WITH FAKENESS.... HIGH EXPANSION BRAGGING ABOUT WHAT KIND A CAR YOU DRIVE BLAH BLAH BLAH ... FALSE EXPECTATIONS,.
MOST MEN BRAG AND ARE NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLES THEY KNOW IT,.. THE LOSER THEY ARE,.. TRUTH ..
Bitch, please. Guys who do
Submitted by Mario Rodgers on September 14, 2018 - 7:09pm
Bitch, please. Guys who do this faking and having game get success because there's a market for this bling and posturing from females horny with that crap. Honest men who follow that "be yourself and be nice to girls" rom-com bullshit because that's their personality all get written off or dismissed.
Thank you!
Submitted by Josh on February 7, 2018 - 1:31pm
THANK YOU, JOHN!!!! I'm sick of hearing how it's the woman who always sacrifices in a marriage as if we're just dumb pillocks with no hopes, dreams or aspirations.
Brandon, she told you she was unhappy, how is that hard to understand. Also, your marriage bit the dust after less than two years? She did you a favor, move on. When the debris of my failed marriage began falling, I laughed. Why do so many men fight so hard to save a sinking ship?
why did YOU get married ?
Submitted by crazy exwife on August 17, 2018 - 11:23am
seriously? what was your reason to get married
ZERO TOLERATE your husband ABUSIVE NACSSTICS BEHAVIOR,..
Submitted by ggsmith on August 6, 2018 - 11:14pm
NO!!!!!
ZERO TOLERATE your husband ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR,..
it is wrong,.. if husband not willing to work and change ... then it is all for non ... it is not the wife's fault and no responsibility for their feelings,...
Dr Phil says MAN UP!!! stop blaming everyone around you taking people for granted and being hateful towards your wife,.... you are the issues,.. you need change and lot men DO NOT CHANGE FOR ANYONE THEY ARE NACSSTICS,...
PERSLISTY DISORDER A LOT OF THEM ,..
and why a wife should have put up with bullshit,.. it is not love it is abuse and life to short for that crap.
men if you do not love yourself,.. you can not truly love others,..
FACT,.. narcissistic people WILL NEVER CHANGE THAT IS A FACT,..look it up,.. wives listen,... no tolerances GET OUT !!!
How about YOU "woman up"?
Submitted by Mario Rodgers on September 14, 2018 - 7:11pm
How about YOU "woman up"?
And while you're at it, get an education. Your grammar is atrocious.
Agree
Submitted by Anonymous on September 9, 2014 - 5:20pm
I agree that someone who tries to make it work, and explains what they are unhappy about, someone who tells the husband that they will leave if things dont change etc... are no those inflicted with the selfish WAW syndrome. I wrote on her a few years ago... I was hurt and mystified and wanted to make things work, but 4 years later I think she did me a favor for leaving. There are plenty of women out there who would die to have a husband like me. I was loyal family oriented, caring, a great father and a provider. Was I perfect? no. But if she wants to chase her fantasy now at 45 years old simply because she doesn't 'feel'in love any more.... and she feels ín love' with some loser.... so be it. WAW usually have someone else who makes them feel alive... who they love! Women don't leave if they are not running to someone else.... stop your complaining about generalizations... i said USUALLY>
I haven't left my husband
Submitted by Anonymous on December 3, 2014 - 10:01pm
I haven't left my husband yet. We've been married 48 years. He is a good person who happens to be passive . In his passivity he likes to keep his options open, which keeps him from deciding to do anything. It keeps him from setting goals, wishing and dreaming and being optimistic. He is very protective about himself and giving control of anything to anyone. He is fearful of being used or manipulated and admits to not being loving because he doesn't want it to be used against him. He is passive aggressive as the need occurs to him and will live in his own bubble without communication or affection until he thinks I've paid my penance. (I don't pay penance anymore - his game, not mine.)
He is very quiet and not sociable. He will not attend church with me or enter into any community activities, when I worked he would not attend couples or family activities. It took me a long time not to be embarrassed by this and I missed out on many things because I was embarrassed not to have him by my side. One day I got over it and started attending functions without him. This gave me a chance to develop a few friendships -- but not deeply because their wasn't really any opportunity to invite friends over for dinner or have an evening out.
He took an early retirement as he hated his job. When he retired he announced he was finished with work. This also meant work around the house. It was like living with a house guest who was waiting for someone to entertain him. His form of entertainment was food, beverage and TV. He was waiting for me to retire so we could travel and have fun. I tried it a few years after he retired and could see that not only was the money thing not going to work , but his form of entertainment was "couldn't I just be happy sitting next to him as he played computer games or watched tv." He was still bored and we found fault with one another in that very small world. I went back to work to get us on better financial footing and until we could get along better when we were together. In the two years that he was home alone I found that he "imagined me" and answers that he "knew" I would have . When I retired I realized that I was not the woman he imagined me to be. It is easier for him to imagine how I am than to make the effort to know me. When we were both working it was easier to ignore how drastic the change would be in retirement. I wanted to get involved and volunteer and do some home improvement and take time to fix things up that needed it. He washed his hands of any "work" and to this day does nothing that gives him any fulfillment.
When the inattention mounts and I'm tired of being unloved -- or even acknowledged, I'm ready for someone to help us communicate without becoming angry. To see if we have enough left to do better and live better. This suggestion receives silence.
Each year his hearing gets worse and he won't go see if anything can be done to help. I wear myself out repeating myself and then find out he "heard" but didn't really have anything to say so he didn't think an acknowledgement was needed. I also find that he thinks he heard what I said but what he thinks he heard is not what I said and not what I meant.
I am living with a man that doesn't seem to like me much and after all these years is not attracted to me or interested in me. A man that really doesn't want to be bothered with me.
Two years ago I was so distraught that I literally wanted to "melt away". I've loved this man most of my life and even though the writing is on the wall that he is not interested I keep holding on to the little scraps of affection he shows now and then - hoping it will get better.
The cycle repeats and I'm much older now, I'm still working one week a month and could work more if I wanted to.I find that I am ready for some peace and to try creative activities, to travel a bit, and deepen relationships with friends. I want an exit strategy that gives myself more than just "melting away."
My ex wife is the same.
Submitted by Doug Bateman on April 16, 2015 - 3:32pm
I am sorry to hear of your plight with your passive husband. I have been trying to divorce my ex for three years now. Our legal system unfortunately is a tool that fits the passive aggressive MO perfectly. You might be better off putting him in the corner with some other plants and watering him once a week. Seriously, these people can occupy such a small place as they try to hide from any threat real or perceived. If they are provoked, and nothing is more provocative than the abandonment of divorce from the one who made things happen in their lives, the passive aggressive maneuvering will completely take over their existence. You may love this person now, but once you see how the passive aggressive behaves in divorce, there will not be much left of them to love. My warning, sorry.
Reply to doug bateman
Submitted by Fran on October 22, 2015 - 8:34am
This is the funniest thing I have heard so far regarding spouses stick him in the corner with the other plants and water him once a month. With time I will probably have to do the same. My husband a mamas boy golden child cohabitants with resentment cause I had to cut ties with his narsisstic mother. You see my marriage is based according to how much I lick her arse even though she has consistently treated me like shit. He also has passive aggressive tendencies and finds it difficult to be affectionate with most people unless it his mother.
passive husband
Submitted by John H on October 24, 2015 - 1:37am
So, in 48 years you still haven't learned how to accept him for who he is? Marrying a man with the goal of changing him is a recipe for disaster and a lesson that women just can not seem to learn.
Exit strategy
Submitted by ME on January 31, 2018 - 3:58pm
Did you find your exit strategy? What has changed? Ive been married 22 years and he is my intrapersonal inferior (like imagining who you were). Im bored, getting to where I cant stand him, and hate myself for martyring my life for this shabby "marriage."
Sigh...
Submitted by Josh on February 7, 2018 - 1:44pm
I don't mean to be rude, but it was thought growing old with that person that made me want to leave. You're a real trooper.
That being said, I would suggest being more in touch with your feelings. You said you loved him, but your whole post seems aimed at putting him in the worst possible light. So my guess is that you don't really love him all that much, you just don't want to be the one who pulls the plug, thereby being "the bitch."
Be true to yourself. It's scary to fall out of love, but it happens. The beginning of my end was when I realized that I didn't really love my wife, I stayed because I felt obligated to. If you are worried about losing the material, think about it. You can't take the house, the car, the bank account with you when you give up the ghost. Move on, be happy and leave him to his own miserable self.
Moment of clarity
Submitted by Tony on October 4, 2015 - 8:43am
You put things in such great perspective! Diary dedicated to my wife of 16 years last December nothing was off the table I would change everything that she wanted to change but nothing was good enough. Time and time again she was caught looking for friends on Craigslist unfortunately all of these friends were guys does she was sending near naked pictures to. She did not see a problem with this and said I was controlling. She would go around and tell all of our friends everything that I was doing wrong but conveniently omit that little detail of what she was doing behind my back. I swallowed my pride for gave her time and time again even asking for divorce several times if it would make her happier her answer was always the same. I don't know. She is walking away from me and the kids. She said she wanted some time alone because she is an introvert. Yes she used her time alone to talk to and meet other guys. We did a one week separation last December and now entering our fourth week of separation since Labor Day. The results are the same she chats with and meet other guys yet does not want to get divorced. Matter fact that I want to commit to anything. I think I know the answer but is there any way the situation is salvageable? She's also starting a new job in a week because you used to work with me in a family business where she was in charge of the finances.
Reply to tony
Submitted by Fran on October 22, 2015 - 1:06am
I don't understand she is acting this way now. She was probably this way since you met her. There are so many men that drop decent women for tramps. When I was a young girl, though I was very pretty I was not good enough for many men possibly because I wasn't showing my tits, or didn't want to put out. My daughter now has the same problem as I used to have, she's 25 and single. Men love bitches but sometimes it can backfire on them, well serves them right.
reply to tony
Submitted by John H on October 24, 2015 - 1:48am
Fran, much of the behavior we see from women is directly traceable to changes brought about over the last 40 years by the feminist movement. You wanted it, you got it. Lord knows any man who voiced objections would be destroyed. It seems a little obtuse to blame men for women's behavior.
Reply to John H
Submitted by Fran on October 24, 2015 - 8:03am
I think you are talking about fanatic feminists, no I am not one of them. I believe there should be equalilty between men and women but I understand there are some differences that's what makes me a non feminist. Feminism was brought about because men in the past were oppressing women and not treating them fairly but unfortunately like everything else there are always the fanatics but we are not all feminist fanatics so you should not generalise. And if a women has loose morals that's got nothing to do with feminism it has to do with her integrity and character
fanatic feminists
Submitted by John H on November 14, 2015 - 6:30am
I disagree that women were ever "oppressed" in the past, certainly not in the history of the US. Women have been in the protected class, bestowed with privileges than men have to earn, since the founding of the US and even before that in western European countries.
WAW
Submitted by John H on November 14, 2015 - 6:43am
So, we get it. You're unjustly hurt by YOUR walk away wife because YOU were a great husband and father, but other men shouldn't feel hurt because they weren't attentive to their walk away wives. You must be a very special snowflake.
This is correct.
Submitted by YRM on February 10, 2015 - 6:09pm
Anonymous wrote:There are a HUGE number of women out there that DON'T want to go through the WORK required to fix the marriage & only see the positives of shedding themselves of their spouses, getting a nice financial settlement, & being single again. Kind of "hitting the reset button" so to speak.
This happens constantly. One thing this article does not ask is whether or not "the husband they always wanted" is even realistic. Some women only notice their contributions, and don't notice the positives that their husbands contribute.
If a woman moves from guy to guy, constantly not getting the partner she wanted, is it even possible that it's not all the guy's fault?
Consider how many women hate working with many of their female co-workers. Most of those females are, or were, married.
Is it at least worth considering that women expect and want too much, without giving as much as they think they do? At least, in some cases.
Also, if with many men, if you make your feelings known in a non-controlling, non-confrontational way... the guy wants to make you happy. He'll try to find a way to succeed together if he's not bullied and badgered. (not all, but many guys)
WAW
Submitted by Olivia Beresford on April 27, 2015 - 1:12pm
I suppose you would qualify me as one of these women. Yet I don't think from your judgmental writing that you have an inkling of what some women have gone through in their marriages. I kept working for 16 years + 4 living together before that but was married to what I now discover was a Disordered Character with Antisocial behaviour personality disorder - a man who liked to live on the edge, paid no tax, drove drunk, loved money but kept me short, loved his family but only when I was at heel. He abused me verbally when drunk and the next day told me how much he loved me and what a wonderful wife and Mother I was. When I saw the stable door ajar, I got out. It was something I never dreamed I would do, and the repercussions have been unbelievable as he tried to use our kids to get me back. But it was worth getting out as I would not have survived within his world or lies, deceit and although things have been awful for ten years, our kids are nearly 20 now and although they don't live with me, we have forged a good relationship. It took all my energy and strength to stand up to a bully. Don't invalidate all the women who walked away from bullying, abusive husbands. 50 years ago we couldn't and had to pander to their whims. Now we have the chance to say "Enough is enough". I agree there are some people who should give it another go, but we did that three years in and he reverted to type and is basically a Bent character.
A huge shame for both
Submitted by Drew on October 22, 2015 - 12:34pm
Men aren't particularly difficult to keep happy. Don't overeat, stay relatively fit, and maintain your sex life.
We don't care all that much about housekeeping or meals. It's appreciated, but restaurants and cleaning services exist.
Too many women think they'll find desirable men at age 40 or 50. Perhaps they will. But men they'd like can easily date younger, prettier women without kids or a lot of emotional scars.
There are attractive older women out there, sure, but your competition will have some insurmountable advantages.
You may very well get an
attractive financial settlement - the house, big chunks of his income that hamper tremendously his ability to live, and custody of the children.
That may however take quite a bit of time, as courts may move very slowky.
Or you may get a judge who has been through a tough divorce him or herself and is less than sympathetic.
Older judges may remember a time too when "unhappiness" wasn't grounds for divorce.
Despite "no fault" statutes, if you've been a bit less than loving - withholding sex, being emotionally abusive, letting yourself go physically, refusing to work or do housekeeping - those things might seriously reduce that "attractive" financial settlement.
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