Why Is Being Thankful So Difficult For Some People?

Source: Pexels / Tim Mossholder

'Tis the season when we are supposed to be happy, grateful for one's blessings, and appreciative of friends and family. But holiday blahs are very real. Suffering from them is all too common. And many people feel ashamed that they feel so down during the holidays when they are expected to be festive and joyous.

As we approach Thanksgiving, we are surrounded by "Happy Holiday" greetings, social media messages about the importance of having "an attitude of gratitude," and questions from friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, asking "where will you be spending the holidays?" For those who doesn't have someone with whom to celebrate, Thanksgiving can be one of the most challenging days of the year. Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions in America. So, too, has depression. And for someone suffering from the latter, family gatherings may be particularly difficult, as they trigger unhappy childhood memories or spark family tensions. In fact, "Friendsgiving" celebrataions have become popular, not only for people who live far from relatives but also among those who find it less emotionally taxing to get together with friends than family

Gratitude is a telltale sign

Whatever your plans for Thanksgiving and other holidays, it can be worthwhile to use these occasions to think about your relationship to gratitude. For some, being appreciative comes naturally—what philosopher and psychologist William James in The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature called "healthy mindedness." For others, feeling grateful is almost impossible. These attitudes are usually seen as personality characteristics. Contented, optimistic people are often said to be born "on the sunny side of the street," while those who tend to gripe have a "chip on their shoulders." Relatives, friends, and colleagues assume this is just "who they are." Yet that negativity—that inability to appreciate the blessings in one's life—is often the sign of a condition that must be addressed.

When a patient comes into my office and only speaks negatively about their family, friends, work, relationships, or the world in general, it is usually a sign of depression. When they can't think of anything good to say about their spouse, their work colleagues, even their children, it is a signal that their depression is having a toxic effect on their lives. The good news is that there are many ways to treat depression successfully, including a range of psychotherapies, psychopharmacology, mind-body practices, and, often, a combination of these approaches.

Once someone has begun treatment for depression, there are early signs that the process will be successful. When a patient begins to express appreciation for someone or something in their lives, it's an important turning point. So, too, is when they laugh or make a humorous comment. It shows they are beginning to gain a new perspective.

Recognizing the blessings in one's life is a gift. Pychoanalyst Melanie Klein wrote that envy is a central element of depression that eats away at the capacity for gratitude. It leaves us with deep concerns about what we don’t have, which overwhelms the sense of what we do have. This often has roots that go far back in our lives, sometimes to childhood and family relationships, which can be explored and, one hopes, resolved in psychotherapy. Gratitude can be cultivated, as seen by the proliferation of people who write in gratitude journals. Lovingkindness meditation is a well-known practice among those who meditate. It focuses on directing loving thoughts toward self and others and can be a powerful antidote to envy and help promote a sense of gratitude.

Keep in mind that Thanksgiving occurs deep in the heart of fall and impending winter, when the days are near the shortest of the year. Many people are developing Seasonal Affective Disorder. As a psychiatrist, my phone rings off the hook at the beginning of fall ,with people experiencing an exacerbation of their depressive symptoms. Somethings thinking that you can't stand your family get-togethers is actually your biological depression talking.

If you or someone you know is suffering from the holiday blahs, reach out. We are all stronger when we feel supported by each other. If the holiday blahs are a symptom of an inability to feel gratitude, seek professional help from a mental health professional. That negative perspective is a sign that something more than holiday blues is at work. The broad range of approaches we have today for treating depression are remarkable. With our vast array of tools to target the specific symptoms of depression, there is that every reason to have hope about recovering from depression and the holiday blues. By being attuned to one's own or a loved one's attitude and seeking psychological guidance, you can turn embitterment and disgruntlement into a sunnier and appreciative mindset.