Why Is Being Thankful So Difficult For Some People?

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'Tis the season when we are supposed to be happy, grateful for one's blessings, and appreciative of friends and family. But holiday blahs are very real and quite common. Many people feel ashamed that they feel so down during the holidays when they are expected to be festive and joyous. There is an increasing amount of research pointing to the neuroscientific benefits of gratitude and its effect on the brain. Research speaks to the positive impact that gratitude can have on mental health and one's capacity for resilience.

During the holiday season we are surrounded by festive messages about the importance of having "an attitude of gratitude," and questions from friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, asking where will you or where did you spend the holidays. For those who don't have someone with whom to celebrate, the winter holiday season can be one of the most challenging times of the year.

Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions in America. So, too, has depression. For someone suffering from a sense of alienation and/or depression, family get-togethers may be difficult and spark tensions.

Gratitude is a telltale sign

However you spend your holidays, it can be worthwhile to use these occasions to think about your relationship to gratitude. For some, being appreciative comes naturally. Philosopher and psychologist William James in The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature called this "healthy mindedness." For others, feeling grateful is immensely difficult. These attitudes are usually seen as personality characteristics. Contented, optimistic people are often said to be born "on the sunny side of the street," while those who tend to gripe have a "chip on their shoulders." Relatives, friends, and colleagues assume this is just "who they are."

However, negativity—the inability to appreciate the blessings in one's life—is often the sign of a condition that must be addressed. When a patient comes into my office and only speaks negatively about their family, friends, work, relationships, or the world in general, it is usually a sign of depression. When they can't think of anything good to say about their spouse, their work colleagues, even their children, it is a signal that their depression is having a toxic effect on their lives. The good news is that there are many ways to treat depression successfully, including a range of psychotherapies, psychopharmacology, mind-body practices, and, often, a combination of these approaches.

Once someone has begun treatment for depression, there are early signs that the process will be successful. When a patient begins to express appreciation for someone or something in their lives, it's an important turning point. So, too, is when they laugh or make a humorous comment. It shows they are beginning to gain a new perspective.

Recognizing the blessings in one's life is a gift. Pychoanalyst Melanie Klein wrote that envy is a central element of depression that eats away at the capacity for gratitude. It leaves us with deep concerns about what we don’t have, which overwhelms the sense of what we do have. This often has roots that go far back in our lives, sometimes to childhood and family relationships, which can be explored and, one hopes, resolved in psychotherapy. Gratitude can be cultivated, as seen by the proliferation of people who write in gratitude journals. Lovingkindness meditation is a well-known practice among those who meditate. It focuses on directing loving thoughts toward self and others and can be a powerful antidote to envy and help promote a sense of gratitude.

Keep in mind that winter holidays take place during the season with the shortest days (and least amount of sunlight) of the year. Many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, often without knowing it. As a psychiatrist, my phone rings off the hook at the beginning of fall ,with people experiencing an exacerbation of their depressive symptoms. Somethings thinking that you can't stand your family get-togethers is actually your biological depression talking.

If you or someone you know is suffering from the holiday blahs, speak to a mental health specialist. That negative perspective may very well be a sign that something more than holiday blues is at work.

The broad range of approaches we have today for treating depression are remarkable. With our vast array of tools to target the specific symptoms of depression, there is that every reason to have hope about recovering from depression and the holiday blues. By being attuned to one's own or a loved one's attitude and seeking psychological guidance, you can turn embitterment and disgruntlement into a sunnier and appreciative mindset.